“Aisumasen Renee” is the final poem of my book Seeds And Weeds and is really the beginning of my journey through poetry over the last 27 years. Though not among my finest works, the inspiration for its creation and the events that lead me to writing it are surpassed only by the outcome it provided. JJ
It is fitting “Aisumasen Renee” should be the final poem of my book. The lesson I learned from its inspiration has guided every poem I have written since. It came to life in the early morning hours after John Lennon was killed. It was my Senior year in high school, and I was up all that night after hearing about John’s death. A couple of weeks prior, just before Thanksgiving break, I had done an awful thing. There was a girl named Renee, a very beautiful, sweet, innocent person that I had a huge crush on and wanted to date.
I was in Electrical shop and Renee was in Cosmetology class across the hall. After finishing an exam early in class that day, I went to the back of the room and started writing a love letter to her. It started out very nice, but a few minutes later a couple of other kids in class finished their exams and came over to see what I was up to. As teenagers will do, they started teasing me and making suggestions as to what I should write in the letter. That’s when the trouble started.
I should have put the letter away, but peer pressure got the best of me and I wound up writing a dirty letter instead of a love letter. Whatever possessed me to give it to her after "we" finished writing it is beyond my comprehension. I gave it to a kid that was going to have his hair cut in the Cosmo class and he put it on her desk when she wasn't looking. What happened next hurts to remember. A part of me doesn't want to write about it because it's so embarrassing.
I could hear her crying from across the hall. She walked past the classroom door into the office with tears running down her face. I'm not sure if I was more sorry for hurting her, or more afraid of what was about to happen to me. It's selfish to think I was worried about getting in trouble, but it's the truth. Making her cry hurt me deeply, but the fear of the consequences was overwhelming.
Then came the moment of truth, admitting I wrote the letter. I had not signed it but I knew I would not get away with it, so there was no point in denying the inevitable. I went to the office, confessed and cried my eyes out. Renee came to the door and saw me sitting there, started crying again and ran away. I felt like the lowest scum of the world and wanted to run away myself. Somehow I managed to avoid disciplinary action, but it ate away at me for three weeks like a monster in my stomach. Getting away with it was the worst thing that could've happened. All I could think about was how to apologize to Her. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes.
Then came the night John Lennon was shot. I heard the song "Aisumasen" playing on the radio and wrote the poem shortly after the song finished. I’m sure I heard it many times before, because I had listened to the "Mind Games" album it was on more than once. It seemed like such a beautiful word and I knew immediately that it was the right one for me to let Renee know how sorry I was.
The next day I did not go to school because I was upset and tired from having been up all night. That afternoon I went to the mall to see if I could find a card that was appropriate for the poem to be written in. I found the perfect one with Snoopy saying "I'm Sorry" which was all it had to say. As I was walking to the counter to pay for it, I saw a statue of Snoopy crying and it also said, "I'm Sorry" on the base. I picked it up and got the both of them. I wrote the poem in the card, packaged them together in a box and mailed it to her.
Renee forgave me and we became friends for a time after that. She cut my hair on a few occasions and we often talked on the phone. I have always wondered if I had not written that letter, could we have been more? But it's a double-edged sword, because I would never have started writing poetry that meant anything real to me if I had not. Still, I would rather I had never written any of my poems if it meant I could go back in time and stop myself from writing that one letter. I understand she is now married and has a happy family somewhere in the mid-west.
Soon after she forgave me I came to realize how important that poem had been in the repenting process. I don’t know for sure how much of an impact it had on Renee’s forgiveness of me, but it most definitely affected me very deeply. Knowing that I could express my feelings to someone through a poem, and having my apology accepted, gave me a sincere respect for poetry. It wasn’t just an exercise in class anymore; it was a learning experience in life.
It was then that I decided I would continue to write poetry and only write it when my feelings inspired me to write. Poetry is not a game where practice makes perfect. I will not force poems out just to write something, even though all the books about how to write poetry tell you to write every day, as often as possible. To me, it seems false, like writing to please an audience rather than express what is in my heart. For me, that expression is the only reason to write poetry.
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"Aisumasen Renee"
I can't believe
I trashed our friendship with my pen
Can you believe
Renee, Aisumasen?
How could I not know
You would be hurt, so shaken
How can I show
Renee, Aisumasen?
What now can I do
To hear you say, "You're Forgiven"?
I'm such a fool
Renee, Aisumasen
What else can I do
To make us friends again?
What will we do
To make this loss a gain?
What should I have said?
You would not hear my words then
What I should have said
Renee, Aisumasen
What can I now say?
There is a word I have heard
This word I will say
Renee, Aisumasen
Each person is but a grain of sand resting beside the sea. This thought sets the tone for Jill Eisnaugle’s latest poetry collection, Beside Still Waters.
Perhaps "..Quiet Storm" will help rekindle old flames buried and long forgotten or express the love so deeply locked inside of your soul longing to be released.
Regardless of where you may be found in love this beautiful masterpiece can be
