Here I am, the door opens and several people I don’t know are walking in; in the beginning all I saw was darkness and now all I see is a tremendously bright white light shining on me)
I would like this book to begin and end with the following phrase: life begins with an unknown road of, which has no directions or map to follow. My story has taken many years of self-struggling before reaching it’s completion state that you are reading now. I am Pholina; now an adult, I begin my journey/story in and around the time of the year 2000; on the verge of a new millennium though I am certain it will crossover into the 21st century. Some people now know me well, some may have passed me traveling around the world, and others don't know me at all. Those people who really know me need to understand that this was not written to hurt or embarrass anyone. I have been humbled; I consider myself modest and I am just like everyone else in our physical world trying to make the best of out life for themselves and those around me. However, the truth about who I really am is a far different perception than those who think they do know me, which in some ways is both ironic to me and hypocritical because most people have not taken the time to know me personally. Alternatively, in some cases, I think that they may not really like the other part of me that has taken over another part of my soul or just don’t understand. My life has been and will continue to be a risk for the sake of trying to save all others, usually one's thoughts are meant to be kept a secret. However, a few special people told me that mine are meant to be told no matter what the risk involves. I believe that we all seek ultimate answers throughout our lives. This book is for everyone who wants an unbiased direction for dealing with their life and an empathetic, unjudgmental, absent ear. I wrote this book as a way to deal with my life and to pass on the complete vision of what my mother wanted to do herself but couldn’t and what she wanted to teach and for me to achieve in life.
Life is sacred, of which many figure this out when they are dying, which by then is to late. I was fortunate to find out in enough time to deal with my inner struggles as a person and to talk about them and to find the other side that has led me blindly on my journey.
(Breaking down the first wall)
Life's will
A Broken heart
A broken a mind
A broken spirits
Seems to be things not difficult to find
A will to live
A will to survive a will
A will to love unconditionally
A will to give freely
A will to listen and understand
A will to have endless strength
A will to not judge
A will to stand proud and strong
A will to show courage and bravery
A will to die for someone else
A will to make the most of any day or situation
A will to just believe
These are the things that are hard to find.
Pholina writes:
Well, here I am not even one day old, but I have been officially born into my own little hell. All these people are standing around me poking me, moving me, and making me freeze to death; all before I can even walk or talk. No, wonder why God warned me about humans in their natural state of mind. I haven't even begun my life yet, and I am in hell. No one ever looks at it this way; they think it is a beautiful thing, to be “born”. I believe that somehow in a minuet way we are born into our own little hell and many of us don't realize it or if they do, it is not until much later in their life. This is an ironic point: we think, we feel, and we experience everything we associate hell to be throughout our lives from the very first hour we are born. When we actually don't pay any attention to the motions around us; we begin to accept this hell as a way of life and move on thinking that bigger and better things will come along. For some people this kind of thinking works, for others it lasts for a moment and others don't by any of that philosophy at all. (Pholina knew she was like this in many ways); I was born in to a hell that I hoped would not escalate into something worse (if there was such a thing); I was wrong.
My biggest dream is to solve the world’s problems through writing and it is a gift given to me specifically by God, though I now realize that this dream is not humanly possible for one person to achieve. Instead, my hopes are that my gift will become evident and through this gift of writing, at least, I could possibly have an impact on our world’s lives or problems. I decided that the next best thing would be to tell my story, which for some may seem trivial, others may cry, and many might be able to relate to my experiences, thus helping themselves. I hope that who ever reads my story will be able to take with them a new found quality whether it be about themselves, someone else, or in trying to live life. I discovered many years ago that I had something to offer people but did not know what it actually was, until I started writing this story. Many people who write books don’t write to have a direct impact on their readers, often it is for entertainment whereas other writers like Emerson, Tolstoy to name a few, have been very profound in their task.
Every person we meet throughout our lives is just another puzzle piece to a giant jigsaw puzzle, which we may or may not find to fit perfectly.
I am survivor (just barely), of a fully lived life, which has taught me lessons everyday beyond our imaginations and realities, leaving me with a trail of infinite questions and searching for impossible answers along the way. From the time, I was two; the memories are very faded as I sit in my study trying to grasp all my thoughts onto paper to write my story. I was born in Texas to a military family. However, I remember it was when I was around the age of two, that the realization of a possible hell became reality. (Narrator: I realize now as an adult that I tried in so many different ways to be a victim and found that this was not an answer I needed nor was looking for long after playing out the role to the end. This is something I know many people will or can relate to based on one or more experiences in their life.)
I (Pholina and Anastasia) want everyone to know that there is life after pain; pain is only as large as we make it out to be. All the things we spend our lives searching for as either right in front of us or inside buried in our souls and minds. Writing was and is my only coping mechanism for living in my mind, for all the anger, pain, confusion, frustration, and addictive thoughts I have experienced and continue to experience in life. Narrator: So you see even at a young age a part of me chose to go inside myself to find the answers, all the while the physical self (Pholina) began searching in everything else in the world except inside. This is a horrid lesson to learn, especially, when a person learns it in the most difficult of ways, self-destruction.)
As Pholina, I am extremely grateful for being alive, healthy, and not homeless and I do not want to give anyone to have the wrong impression. Narrator: I will try my best to be as unbiased as possible in telling my story, otherwise it would not be completely true if I were not unbiased in my words. I know my parents did the best they knew how considering all of our circumstances, Parents are not taught ahead of time, they are self-taught with no manual or directions to follow; kids do not fall into a easily put together structure that we can just buy at the store and take home. Narrator: I realize that I need to accept many things about my past before I would be able to completely write about everything, though I know I won’t be able to remember everything. For many years, Pholina (I) didn't even want to think about the past, now it seems like I just blocked it out. I remember once my real mother said it was time for me to release all these emotions when I was about sixteen. I decided that writing was my only way. I hope that my faith gives others comfort when they need it most. Thinking aloud to myself, how weird it is for people to remember mostly bad experiences and few good. I wish I could remember everything about being a little girl, now it seems impossible; when it is so important to me.
For myself, the road was a much wider, longer, harder and more intensified road. One that I thought about, questioned, prayed, and did not think it was worth finding out how to survive. I am not a religious person, but I believe that there has to be a God or a superior being who created us all. Man created religion to persuade people to go with a specific point of view and/or to establish belief systems that could try to justify our existence just because God could not be seen or heard. In addition, I realize that religion does provide some good to the common physical world. However, religion can bring evil in many shapes and forms. When I speak of God, it is a generalization, for the above reason and I believe there is only one; which is universal to all of us, and my view is not about bias of anyone’s religion. Since, I believe in him strongly, I feel like God is the only one who listens to me. God has blessed me with the ability to see deep from within and use this as a key through life on the mapless road. I was born into a world that appeared normal at first, full of love, hope, laughter, and happiness. I was too young to know that my road was a completely different one. Narrator: Later on you will discover that I do not believe in the theory of normalcy, this theory just is a man made tool to offer a way to categorize people. By categorizing people as normal, we are saying that everyone is vastly different and not recognizing the traits that are the same. Alternatively, there is not another word in its place, which is why I am forced to use it sparingly in telling my story. I began an inner struggle with myself because I knew I was and would be different from the people around me. I was never taught how to deal with this part of myself. I realized as I started to get older that my road was only to get more intertwined and unknown than many people do experience. My everyday struggle became a nightmare for what was to be my whole lifetime. I began to discover that the road I was traveling was and continued to be utterly alone. My subconscious mind continuously everyday asked why and wanted answers, sometimes Pholina thought she could beg God for these answers. Each time a twist was thrown in my direction, I hit it head on, realizing the risks; and held on for my life. I began to develop an unusual personality after having to deal with traumatizing experiences from birth. Some people would probably classified me as insane, others a genius, or just plain normal. I knew that I was never normal, and now in some ways, consider myself highly intelligent with a deviant mind. My parents loved me in their own ways, but they did not love me the way I needed. I knew from a young child that because I could not feel their love, the amount of love in my mind, would never change because knowing whether a child feels loved and their parents loving them are two different things. I spent most of my growing years hoping it would change. I became a worrier and a thinker that formed the base of my whole personality. I began to analyze anything and everything. I would drive everyone crazy because I had to ask why to everything. I became interested in everything but did not act on any of those impulses, which left me with a constant yearning to be a part of everything. I was always left behind; I realized it was mainly my fault for not being persistent. Worried that no one would like me; and as it turned out few people did. I began to develop a fear that I did not know would affect my whole life and its purpose/direction. I wondered if my life would be the same as my parents; but prayed it would be completely different. I knew that the way I think and thought about everything in the world, along with immediate my surroundings are and was uniquely different. I did not want to grow up continuing the cycle of abuse to the family I might have one day. People I meet think I am crazy, some said, I am a dreamer, and others do not care about me at all. I realize more or less that the outside world around me is growing more cynical and narrow-minded (within its own right). However, I think that might be a destructive thing to happen for the good of all of us. I was raised to have an overly caring, trusting, loyal attitude despite my life experiences. I maintained a facade in front of everyone because no one believed the signs or me when I needed help. My family said that my desperation was my imagination, even though I positively knew otherwise. I began to live part of my life in my head, since I felt like no one cared to listen. I knew I would never be able to change that part of my life. I also knew that stopping my journey on the road was not an option given to me; despite countless times, I thought about and wanted to end my life. I hoped that one day God would tell or show me why he gave me this particular road.
Timeless wisdom and advice on the art of living for today’s young and old: The art of thinking, the art of loving, the art of working, the art of leadership, the art of growing old.
A new translation by Sergio E. Serrano of this inspirationa
