Louise woke up early, showered and hurried out the door to attend seven o’clock mass at Saint Gregory’s Church, just as she did most mornings shortly after Carl’s death.  Attending daily mass was her feeble attempt at trying to ease the guilt for the hatred she sometimes felt deep down within her.

Louise married Carl at the age of forty-eight, but their marriage ended unexpectedly after a brief five years.  It was a first marriage for the both of them, and although Louise had been involved in previous relationships, none of them had ever been serious.  Carl, on the other hand, had confessed to one serious relationship, but added it had taken place several years prior to meeting Louise.  When she had asked him about it, he simply said it was something that he didn’t care to talk about, and left it at that.  Although Louise had tried to broach the subject on several occasions, Carl had always stayed firm, telling her that what had happened in the past was exactly that, and there was no reason to discuss it any further.  Carl’s reaction always made her feel as though he had something to hide, but in time, she learned to accept it.

            Although Louise had been head over heels in love with Carl in the beginning, she was never able to say that he had felt the same way toward her.  She was certain he had cared for her, but not in the way she had hoped.  Initially, their intimate life had been fairly normal, but shortly after their marriage, it became almost nonexistent.  Even though Carl had always treated Louise with respect, she often felt a distance between them, and this distance could never be breached, no matter how hard she had tried.  In the evenings, Carl would often spend much of his time at the computer, finishing up work he had taken home from the office, closing the door to the study so as not to be disturbed.  As time passed, Louise accepted Carl’s behavior, spending her evenings reading, watching television or occasionally going out with a friend.

It was a gray November afternoon, shortly after they had celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary, that Carl had entered the hospital, never again to return home.  He had been going for coffee with a colleague from work, and suddenly collapsed.  After being rushed to the hospital, the doctors discovered Carl had a large brain aneurism which had ruptured.  As fast as they pumped the blood into his body, it flowed back out, and within hours, he passed away.

            Initially, Louise had been shocked, but as much as it saddened her to live her life without Carl, she was embarrassed to admit that she also felt a sense of relief.  There had always been a heaviness at home whenever Carl was about, but she was never quite able to put her finger on what it was.  They had never spoken much during the course of their marriage, whether for chitchat or more important matters, as Carl was not much of a talker.  Perhaps that had been it…the constant lack of conversation had put her on edge.  As much as she missed his presence, she quickly adjusted to being once again on her own.  But two months after her husband’s death, Louise discovered Carl’s secret. 

            She had kept Carl’s things exactly as he had left them for several weeks, but one morning she woke up and decided it was time to move forward.  She had emptied his closet and chest of drawers in the bedroom, and from there decided to clean out the study.  After sorting through a file cabinet, she moved on to his desk, but when she reached the bottom drawer, she discovered it was locked.  She took a paper clip from the top drawer of the desk and proceeded to pick the lock, thinking she would find old company files. Instead, she found what appeared to be a book, along with several letters held together with an elastic band.

            Almost two hours later, Louise sat with tears streaming down her face as she read the last of the letters.  They were love letters from his love long ago…the love he had never wanted to discuss. Questions began to pour into her mind...questions that would forever remain unanswered.

        She took the book from the drawer, and upon opening it, discovered that it was not a book, but a photo album.  As she turned the pages, she noticed that many of the photographs appeared to be old, some of them dating back to Carl’s college days.  She saw several pictures of the same redhead again and again, flashing a beautiful smile…sometimes alone, occasionally in a group, and often with Carl.  The last photo was from a newspaper clipping which had been posted along with a death notice, dated some fourteen years before.  This redhead had been the love from Carl’s past, as the name on the back of the photographs and the newspaper clipping matched the name of that signed on the letters.  Suddenly, it became clear to Louise why she had never felt a real closeness to Carl.
         

       As Louise entered the pew at Saint Gregory’s Church that morning, she knelt down to pray.  A few minutes later, Father O’Brien appeared on the altar, and as the few people inside stood to take part in the mass, Louise stayed on her knees, asking God to forgive her, yet again, for the animosity she felt toward Carl and his lover, Timothy McAllister.