This piece was for a writing challenge where I was to write myself into my favorite TV program. For those who are not in America, I hope that "Frasier" has reached you by syndication.
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The scene opens with Daphne dashing about Frasier's apartment, dusting and putting the room in order. Eddie, the dog, is sitting in Martin's chair, watching her.
"Oh, Eddie! I can't wait for Jo Ann to get here! I haven't seen her in five years. She's my American cousin, and she's coming for me wedding this weekend."
She pauses, glances at Eddie, and laughs. "Oh, would you look at me now! Talking to a dog! This wedding will make me crazy yet, it will!"
"What will make you crazy, Daphne?" Frasier asks as he enters the room, straightening his tie.
"Oh, waiting for me cousin, Jo Ann, to get here! I'm so excited!"
"Yes, I know. You have already explained you want me to get to know her. I must say, though, Daphne--she doesn't sound like someone I would normally call my close friend. I mean, she's from Pittsburgh, of all places!"
"Who's from Pittsburgh?" Niles walks in from the kitchen, a glass of red wine in hand. "Hello, Pinky Toes," he says, smooching Daphne on the cheek.
"Me American cousin, Jo Ann," Daphne replies. There is a knock at the door. "That must be her now!"
Daphne runs to open the door. A short woman is standing outside. She is older than Daphne with reddish brown hair and an Irish look in her fair skin and high cheekbones. A battered looking suitcase is on the floor beside her, and she has a small black and white dog on a leash. She is wearing a black sweatshirt with blue jeans and navy canvas tennis shoes.
"Daphne! How are you!"
"Jo!" The girls hug and Jo steps back to survey Daphne. "Oh my! You are so grown-up! I can remember when you were just a kid."
"Oooooh Jo! Oh! You must meet Niles!" She waves Niles over. "Niles, this is my American cousin, Jo Ann from Pittsburgh."
"Pleased to meet you, and your...uh...friend there!" He glances down at the pooch.
"Oh! This is my dog, Peepers! I hope you don't mind. Daphne said I could bring her."
"Is that right?" Frasier interjects, one eyebrow raised. Suddenly, he sneezes, "AAACCCCHOOOO! Oh, (sniff) pardon me, I am somewhat allergic to...animals. With just one dog, it isn't too bad, but now two... I'm Niles's brother, Frasier, by the way."
"Oh, it's just for a few days, Dr. Crane!" Daphne offers.
"Yes," Frasier murmurs.
"You will feel a lot better when you take Jo Ann out to dinner tonight while Niles and I are at the wedding rehearsal," Daphne declares.
"WHAT?" Frasier's face blanches. At this point, Peepers squats in the middle of the living room and relieves herself, leaving a large, dark puddle mark on the carpet. Frasier looks ready to scream as the scene ends.
Later, after the girls go out shopping, Frasier and Niles talk in the living room over glasses of sherry.
"Nice weather we are having," Frasier states absently.
"What?"
"Huh?"
"Frasier, is something wrong? ...Oh! I know! You're REPRESSING, aren't you?"
"NO! NO! ...Well, yes."
"What is it?"
Frasier studies Niles for a moment and sets his wine glass on the table. He stands taller and speaks, "I don't want to take Jo Ann out. Really, I don't understand why I have to. The woman wears KEDS, for Gawd's sake!"
Niles purses his lips in thought and replies, "I know. She probably likes bowling, too. But Frasier, I want to make Daphne happy. Couldn't you do it, please!"
"NO!"
"What do you mean, 'NO?' This is just like tenth grade when you wouldn't go out with Cindy Fitzgerald so we could double date and I could meet her friend, Bambi."
"I DIDN'T LIKE CINDY FITZGERALD!"
"Oh, you did, too! You just didn't want me to be happy!"
"Hey! What's all the noise in here?" Martin has come home with two dogs in tow--Peepers and Eddie.
"Frasier doesn't want to take out Jo Ann!"
"You don't have to put it so bluntly. She's just not someone I'm comfortable with."
"What do you mean?" Martin says. "She's a photographer and a writer, a real creative type. Isn't she flaky enough for you? I thought you boys liked flaky women!"
"Yes, but she isn't very sophisticated. I'm not certain she even owns a dress," Frasier states. "She might want to go to dinner at... BURGER KING."
"What's wrong with Burger King?" Martin asks. "You know, you boys are just too damned snobbish! I like Jo Ann, but then again, I usually look at what is inside of people, rather than what's on the outside. Your mother taught me that, I guess."
At the mention of their mother, Niles and Frasier look sheepish and embarrassed.
"WE'RE BACK!!" Jo and Daphne have arrived home.
"We had such a marvelous time shopping," Daphne says. "Have a seat, Jo! I'll go fix a nice pot of tea."
"I'll help you, Honey Buns!" Niles says, following her to the kitchen.
"Here's Peepers! I couldn't get her to do her business outside, though!" Martin unleashes Peepers. "I'll talk to you kids later." He heads to his room. Frasier gives the dog a dirty look.
"Thanks for dog-sitting, Martin!" Jo says. She glances over and realized it is just she and Frasier in the room.
"Oh, Frasier! I hope you don't mind. Since I'm staying at your place, I bought you a little gift...to say thanks."
She rummages in her shopping bag and hands him a neatly wrapped package in plain brown paper.
"Oh....why thank you! This is so unexpected. Really, you didn't have to..." He slowly pulls the paper off. It is a book. "'The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius' ...Oh my!" He studies it for a moment as he seats himself on the couch beside Jo. "I think this is the nicest gift anyone has ever given me. Do you know, I am pleased to have your friendship." He reaches out his hand enthusiastically to clasp hers. "Yes, I am very pleased, indeed."
"Woof! Woof!" Peepers barks, and the story ends.
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Copyright 2002 Jo Ann English Janoski.
You are a great scriptwriter. This is right in line with the tone of the show. I agree that you should finish this episode (24 minutes) and send it to the show on spec. It is interesting and entertaining.
The Wholly Book of Doo-Doo-Rot-on-Me is adult satirical humor featuring adult language and adult content, and the work is a parody of the Old Testament Book of Deuteronomy.
