Twas the night before Christmas and all through the barn not a creature was farting, it was perfectly calm! The horses were munching on freshly spread hay, while the cow was keeping the old bull at bay! The chickens were nestled all snug in a row, while the horny old rooster paced to and fro! And the ass in his stall, and the goat in his too, were munching on hay not much else to do. When out in the field there arose such a din, it frightened the shit out of all those within! They flew to the door with a bang and a bump; the goat’s face stuck in the cow’s chubby rump! Cow patties splattered on new fallen snow, gave off a bad stink in the moon’s soft blue glow! When what to the barn dwellers’ eyes should appear, but a rickety old sleigh and some beer-drinking deer! With a fat little driver stretched out in the rig, as if the old bastard didn’t give a sweet frig! Slower than turtles the deer pulled the guy, while he cursed at them all from up in the sky! “Come on you bitches, move it I say! Or you ain’t getting one single mouthful of hay! To the top of the barn, and make it real quick; my bladder is full and I gotta pis!” As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, and sometimes get stuck in cow patty pie, up to the barn roof the drunken deer flew, with a sleigh full of puke and the fat guy too. And the cow started sprinkling when she heard a big poof cause the fat man had farted on top of the roof! As they drew in their heads and went back to their stalls, down through the rafters the drunken crew falls! The fat man was dressed in a heavy wool knit, and his shoes were all covered with puke and deer shit! A twelve-pack of beer he had flung on his back as he stood there scratching his arse and his sack! His eyes – they were crossed! His dimples were hairy! His cheeks were all stained with dry puke and cheap cherry! His foul smelling mouth was pale and thin; and his breath smelled like shit and stale vodka and gin! The stump of a joint he held tight in this teeth as if it might get ripped off by a thief! He had a weird grin and grossly fat belly that shook when he farted at the old horse called Nelly! He was fat and disgusting – what a mess he was in, but in the old stinky barn he oddly fit in! He blinked his eye – piece of shit stuck in it, but none of the animals gave a sweet shit! He didn’t say much, as he sucked back his beer, drinking and farting with his mangy old deer! Then laying his finger inside of his nose and giving a burp got more beer on his clothes. He got in his sleigh, gave his deer some white crystals, and they all took off when he shot off his pistol! But the barn dwellers heard him curse into the night, “You foolish bastards I said to turn right!”