Publisher: I have a busy day ahead. I can give you two minutes. Go ahead.
Writer: Good Morning, Sir. For me, two seconds are enough. Thank you. Thank you, Sir. So, how are you Sir? I…
P: Cut it out. Come to the point. You have written something new and you want to publish it. Tell me about it. Quick, quick!
W: Yes, Sir. Yes, Sir. I have written a lot. I want to publish everything. I…
P: I didn’t say I am going to publish it. I just want to hear about it.
W: Oh! Yes Sir Yes, Sir. I…
P: Stop Sirring me. You are giving me a headache.
W: No problem, Sir. I have written an article on Headache. Just for you. Please read it.
P: OK. Let me read it. Oh my God! Reading it has given me migraine.
W: No problem, Sir. I have another article on Migraine. It will cure you.
P: Reading on migraine has split my head. What am I to do now?
W: Sir, I have another article on just that. I…
P: Rubbish! Pack it all up. I don’t want to read it.
W: Please don’t be upset Sir. This is my golden moment. This is my only chance.
P: OK. Go ahead. I shouldn’t feel like vomiting next.
W: Sir, I have something on Vomiting too. Reading it, you will never vomit again.
P: You, you…Idiot.
W: Yes, Sir. Last time, I went to meet another publisher, he called me by the same name – Idiot. Reading my articles, he fell down. He was so angry. But Idiot sounds very loving and affectionate, Sir. You say it with such force that I feel like kissing your feet.
P: You, you Stu…
W: No sir. No, Sir. Not that fast. Don’t call me Stupid so soon. Hear me out first. Take your time. Let’s progress systematically. There’s time for all the praise later on.
P: Praise…!
W: Yes, Sir. Yes, Sir. You see, Sir. I am a very realistic writer. Last time, I wrote about Explosives. To give it a reality touch, I coated it with light explosive. I took it to a publisher. I named it O-Pen. He wanted to open the book to read it and I am stopping him. He won’t listen to me. He opened and it went BOOM! His face went all black. I could only see his eyes. He chased me till my home.
P: Very interesting.
W: Sir, this is nothing. At another occasion, I had written a fast paced thriller – a very racy one. I titled it RUN. As I am a realistic writer, I took my dogs with me to the publisher. As soon as he started reading, I set my dogs on him. He ran, faster than any Olympian. My dogs chased him. That was ten years back. I have neither seen him nor my dogs. Sir, why do people run so fast?
P: For Pete’s sake! At this rate, all publishing houses will close.
W: Yes Sir. But before that, I have come to you. Give me a chance Sir. I am a good mix of Shakespeare, Stephanie Meyers, JK Rowling and many others. I must meet my readers. Please publish me and see how my works sell like hot cakes. I will be a bestseller. I…
P: All fools dream but not all dreams come true . Before this publishing house is locked for good, I want you to go.
W: Sir, not before you hear me out totally. You know, Sir. Because no publisher will give me a chance, I went door to door to my neighbours, telling them of the virtues of BROTHERHOOD. I have the gift of gab. The next thing I know – they all are chasing me with shoes and sandals. Now, they are camping outside my front door. I am using the back door.
P: This is the heights…
W: So sad, no Sir! People don’t appreciate talent. Such a great personality in their neighbourhood and they…! It is for this reason Sir, you must publish me. They will then realise my value. They will vacate my front door.
P: I am not your agent. Do you know that or…
W: Sir, I know you very well. You will make big bucks out of me. You will become billionaire. You will…
P: But I won’t remain a publisher. Please go. Leave me alone.
W: No, Sir. No, Sir. How can I leave you alone in this miserable mood? I will make it good. You know, Sir. The last time I posted my work on one Internet site, it closed down for good.
P: Why was that?
W: The readers said it was either them or me. I didn’t want to quit as I had written a research paper on QUIT. They didn’t want to budge. The site administrator had no choice but to shut the site. Readers can be very cruel, Sir.
P: What!
W: Readers have no real reading taste. They don’t read golden works like mine but other vague authors occupy book shop shelves. Why is that, Sir? When will readers become intelligent and look at me.
P: Oh, my God. Failure, everywhere.
W: That is why Sir, I have come to you. I will be a winner here. You have a winner on your hands.
P: I can do without you. Even if you are the last author on earth, I don’t wish to see you again. Even if I have to shut shop, I won’t publish your bestsellers.
W: Sir, sir. Please tell me, when will you publish me.
P: NEVER!
W: Sir, I know, you have good sense of humour. You are joking, no Sir. You mean EVER, forever, no Sir.
P: Today is an unfortunate day that I gave you an appointment. But, no more. Get lost…immediately!
W: Sir, don’t be so cruel Sir. You are my last hope. You can’t deny me the pleasure of seeing my name in print.
P: Get out. Get out. I say, get out!
W: Don’t be so upset, Sir. Think about it. You will become the number one publishing house in the world. You can then credit me with your success. You…
P: If I give you a chance, even God won’t forgive me. Then, who will give me a chance?
W: I am always there with you, Sir. Now, you help me. When God is not with you, I will be with you.
P: Before that I must send you away. Go, go, go…
W: Sir, you can’t deny me my rights. I have a right to be published. I have to contact Human Rights Commission. You cannot trample on me like this. I have wasted an hour with you and you…
P: What you have wasted… Good Lord! Security! Guards! Take him away and dump him out. He should never be seen near this premise again. Is that strictly understood? Or you will lose your jobs.
W: Sir, sir. Don’t be so pathetic. Please publish me before this publishing house closes down for good or before you die. Sir, sir… Give me a chance, one last chance. Sir…
