LAWYER: You have come to the right place. I can get you the cheapest divorce available. The rates are just amazing.
MAN: How soon can that be?
L: Well, it all depends on how much are you willing to spend.
M: You said the cheapest.
L: In today’s times and at the asking rate, mine is the cheapest. Marriage days are over Sir. It is the season of divorces. Couples are happy to part and even throw divorce parties. So, this is not a heavy price to pay for your happiness.
M: Hmm. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late.
L: Last week I got a 90-year-old couple divorced. They decided to get a divorce. They came to me and said, "We want a divorce." I said, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?" They said, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."
M: In my experience, love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
L: There was another case of a man, who came here for divorce. He wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behaviour of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
M: I must admit my wife brought religion to my life. I never believed in Hell until I married her.
L: After getting married, the couples used to put behind their cars, JUST MARRIED. Now the trend is JUST DIVORCED!
M: My two greatest assets were my closed mouth and an open wallet. Unfortunately, now the situation is reversed.
L: There was another case of a woman wanting divorce. Her husband walked in and saw her packing a suitcase. He asked, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm moving to Mumbai. I heard ladies-of-the-night there get paid Rs. 10,000 for doing what I do for you for free." Later she saw him packing his suitcase. She asked him where he's going, he replied, "I'm going to Mumbai, too. I want to see you live on Rs. 20,000 a year."
M: I guess divorce is expensive because it is worth it!
L: I saw a grieving man throw himself across the grave and cry bitterly. "My life, how senseless it is! How worthless is everything about me because you are gone. If only you hadn't died, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how different everything would have been." I soothed the man and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you." "Importance! Indeed he was," moaned the man. "He's my wife's first husband!"
M: There are two times a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
L: This is a fact. Now-a-days, 90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife. This is my personal experience.
M: Are you too divorced?
L: By God’s Grace, I am. I paid my lawyer everything I had to gain the golden divorce. Now I have become a divorce lawyer and reaping the benefits. Life is cool, man.
M: On our last anniversary, I was away on a business trip. She sent me a card. Front of card said: "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...” Then I opened the card and it said: "That you're not here to ruin it for me."
L: If you don’t mind, could you tell me your reason for seeking divorce.
M: I came home from a long business trip to find my young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" I asked. "It must have cost over Rs 12,000!" "I earned it hiking," he replied. "Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?" "It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Sunny from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a Rs 200 and tell me to take a hike"!
L: Something like my case. My wife and I had the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we went to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She went Tuesdays, I went Fridays. We also slept in separate locations. Hers is in Mumbai and mine is in Delhi. Then we mutually decided, DIVORCE was more peaceful than marriage. Now, we both are happy. She goes around telling her friends, "Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole."
M: Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
L: There was a woman here seeking divorce. She said, “My husband and I want divorce over religious differences. He thinks he is God, and I don't.” I got her immediate divorce albeit at a hefty price.
M: I met a woman last week. She asked me, "You know... you look like my third husband. I said, "Oh yeah?", and then asked her how many times she's been married. "Twice," she replied. After my divorce, I will give it a try.
L: You re an optimist. Marriage is actually an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.
M: A man is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.
L: Marriage is the leading cause of divorce. When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to. Marriage is not a word – it is a SENTENCE for life!
M: I had been to my brother-in-law’s golden anniversary. I had asked them the secret of their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time -- did you ever consider divorce?" I had asked. "Oh, no, not divorce," he said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce."
L: You won’t believe, now the divorce toys are coming with a hefty price tag. The new Barbie doll going to gym, ball or shopping is Rs. 800. But divorced Barbie is Rs. 25,000. She comes with her ex-husband’s car, house, boat, dog, cat and furniture.
M: I had been to my bank manager. A woman was there asking for a divorce loan. The manager said the bank doesn’t provide divorce loans except appliances, automobiles, business, and home improvement loans. She said this was certainly home improvement loan.
L: A woman had come to me for divorce. "How old are you?" I asked. "Thirty-five," she said. I noted her greying hair and wrinkled cheeks. "May I see your birth certificate?"
She handed me her birth certificate. "Madam," I said severely, "According to this certificate you are not 35 but 50." She replied, "The last 15 years I spent with my husband I'm not counting. You call that a life?"
M: After 30 years of marriage, my friend said he wanted a divorce. His wife was stunned. "But Bobby," she pleaded, "How could you want to divorce me after all we've been through together? Remember how just after we met, you caught malaria and nearly died, but I looked after you. Then when your family was wiped out in a hurricane, I was there for you. Then when you were falsely accused of armed robbery, I stood by you. Then when you gambled Rs 5 lakh, I sympathized. And when that fire destroyed your office, I comforted you. How could you leave me? We've been through so much." "That's the problem, Bulbul. Face it, you're just bad luck for me."
L: Another woman had come to me asking for divorce. "What grounds do you have, madam?" "About six acres." "No, I don't think you quite understand. Let me rephrase the question. Do you have a grudge?" "No, just a parking space." "I'll try again. Does your husband beat you?" "No, I always get up at least an hour before he does." I could see I was fighting a losing battle. "Madam, are you sure you want a divorce?" "I'm not the one who wants a divorce," she said. "My husband does. He claims we don't communicate."
M: In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
L: Yes, this is the same everywhere. I used to say, In India, a man comes to know his wife only after getting married. My father said it is the same everywhere. So, sir, are you ready for divorce.
M: Of course, I am. That is why I am here.
L: So, for beginners, this one hour session has cost you Rs 10,000. Any further sessions of half hour each are Rs 7,500 unless you want more and get a discount. Phone counselling is Rs 4000 each. Court appearance is Rs 15,000 each. Easy and immediate divorce is Rs 5 lakh. Slow and dragging one is Rs 15,000 per session. And other charges are as and when they arise. No credit card or debit card payments. Only cash and direct payment. No middlemen involved.
M: And you call this cheap!
L: It is better then remaining wedded with your wife. Between the two, this is the least costly.
M: I think, I will remain wedded to her. I can tolerate her promiscuity but not an empty bank account.
L: Think about it Sir. This is a choice between the Devil and the Dead Sea.
M: I prefer the Devil. Thanks for giving me the idea. I will soon emerge as your competition. I will become a Divorce Lawyer and you will be the Dead Sea. I will be reaping the benefits. It is a win-win situation both ways. You are my lucky mascot.
