Part I
Dial Tone
1-8-0-0-5-5-5-0-9-0-0
Ring-----Ring----
You have reached the United States Credit Bureau, please hold--------
For Latin, Press 9
For Spanish Press 8
For French Press 7
For Bangladash Press 6
Silence-------------
For English Call 1 – 8-0-0-I –D-O-N-T- NO
Hesitation.
You have reached the English speaking line of the United States Credit Bureau, Please hold for an interpreter.
Music for China
“Hello, this is Moona Boova, I will be your interpreter. What language would you like?
“I’m just trying to get a little information about my credit. Is this still the U.S.?
“You will have to speak louder, we are having a tribal council dance”
“I would like to get some information about my credit. I am trying to buy a house.”.
“We only give out information to the owner of the credit report. Do you have a credit report information number?”
“Of course not. I’m not a member of anything but I do have the credit report here in my hand.”
“I’m sorry sir. You will have to verify that you are the owner of that credit report.”
“How am I going to do that over the phone?”
“Simply answer the following questions please.”
“Okay”
“That was not the correct answer, you will have to call back tomorrow.”
“Wait a minute, I didn’t answer any question, I just agreed with you.”
“Sir, you will have to call back tomorrow. Government regulations only allow us to speak to a person once a day and they must have the correct answer.”
Click. Phone Dead.
Part II
Next Day
Dial Tone
1-8-0-0-I-D- O- N- T- N- O
You have reached the English speaking line of the United States Credit Bureau, Please hold for an interpreter.
Music for China
“Hello, this is Moona Boova, I will be your interpreter. What language would you like?
“Hello. This is Clylde Crotchcricket. Didn’t I just speak to you yesterday?”
“Very sorry. I speak to so many I don’t know who is what. How can I assist you?”
“Well, like yesterday, I said I need some information about my credit?”
“Very well. Do you have the proper information number please?”
“No, I don’t. But I am ready to answer your questions.”
“I only have answers sir. You are the one with the questions.You must be working with yesterday’s guidelines.”
“Okay, forget it. Let’s get on with my questions then.”
Irritatedly:
“Do not get fresh with me or I will have to turn you over to my supervisor in Bangladash.”
“I’m sorry. Got carried away I guess.”
“How can I assist you?”
“I have four credit reports in front of me. Two for my wife, one for me and one for both of us.”
“You are only allowed to have one.”
“Well, I received all three in the mail.”
“So?”
“Two of them say we have a credit rating of 8.13 and 8.31. One says 8.11. The last one for both of us says 7.92. We don’t understand what that is all about.”
“It is simple sir. There were four people doing it, we are trying to fill the workforce.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!”
“Please sir, do not get fresh with me or I must—“
“Yes I know, turn me over to the Bangladash office.”
“Sir, I don’t know how I can help you.”
“My question is simply why are these all different and why does the last one lose all those points and just says it is because we have had too many inquiries?
“Every time we have an inquiry we have to take off five points.”
“Why?”
“Because we are told to.”
“I thought this was about credit, not inquiries.”
“You are wrong. We give points to people who don’t bother us and take away from those who actually want us to work.”
“That is absurd. I thought you were there to tell people that we pay our bills or we don’t pay our bills.”
“That was before new math. Now we have to use qualified qualifiers that relate to your every movement. You see if people are inquiring about you that means they want to sell you something and if they get you to buy something that could ruin your credit if you didn’t pay for one inquires about you.”
“If I understand you correctly you are telling me that even if I pay everything monthly, have no bills, have a lot of assets, own property without mortgages you can disqualify me because people actual have the nerve to ask if my credit is good?”
“I am sorry Mr. Crutchcradle or whatever you said your name was, your time is up and we are going to take off five extra points for calling us. Have a good day.
Click………..silence.
