A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Coronation...
As Hillary Clinton stepped outside her mansion on that cold January morning in 2016 she was smiling. The air was brisk and clean. She and Bill had just dined on waffles, black eyed peas, and grits. The sun was sparkling like a thousand diamonds had been sprinkled atop the new fallen snow. Muffled sounds of humanity drifted in from the distance and washed over her contented face. She breathed in a deep satisfying gulp of air. The latest polls showed that she had such a commanding lead for the Democratic nomination for President that she could not be caught. Visions of fulfillment wafted through her mind. She slapped her belly, and it slapped back. Life was good.
Suddenly, out on the far horizon, a black cloud began to form. She didn't notice at first as it drifted slowly toward her residence. Then, as it drew nearer, a low rumble accompanied it. The rumblings increased in intensity and the cloud began to churn. It tossed and turned, then trumpets began to blare. Beams of light shot out from the cloud in all directions. The sounds increased again and windows near and far began to shake. A choir of heavenly voices rang out “Hallelujah, hallelujah.”
Hillary's eyes were bulging with delight. “This must be a revelation,” she thought. “Surely heaven has smiled upon me and my candidacy. It is preordained. I am to become the first woman to ever rise up to the Presidency. Hallelujah and amen.”
The music and the choir softened. The cloud turned to a brilliant white, almost blinding her. It began to part as if a pair of divine hands were pulling back beautiful curtains in the sky. And then there was silence. Tears of joy were streaming down her face.
A voice began to speak. It was authoritative and mellifluous at the same time. “Hillary Clinton,” the voice said. “To honor your good and loyal service to mankind—and to womankind—I bring you great tidings. The saints and martyrs in heaven, and a multitude of spiritual advisors, have reached a unanimous accord. It is with great pleasure to tell you that you have been chosen to hear these words.”
“Well, shucks, this is so sudden,” Hillary interjected. “I really wasn't expecting this big of a deal.”
“Oh yes,” replied the magnificent voice. “Do not be so modest. For you see, Hillary, we usually only bring announcements of this kind to one person.” She quickly thought it was so nice of heaven to include Bill in this glorious announcement.
"Yes, Hillary, our council of wise persons has reviewed the qualifications of all nominees to the high office of President of the United States. And for the first time in several million years they are in unanimous agreement. They considered wisdom, honesty, concern for her fellow man—and women—intelligence, compassion, an indomitable spirit, humbleness, and having her heart in the right place.”
“Well, thanks, heavenly guys—and gals. I am flattered,” Hillary muttered.
“Don't be flattered,” the voice replied. “You know her well. She speaks so graciously of you.”
“Hold on there,” said Hillary. “She speaks well of me? I do talk to myself on occasion. But not every day. Now I'm confused.”
“Hillary, our choice is Elizabeth Warren. Who did you think I was referring to?”
“Elizabeth Warren? How can that be? You said you had two people to tell this to. I'm gonna call her and tell her to get her ass out of town.”
“You're too late, Hillary. You are the second person. We've already been to Elizabeth's house. She's measuring the windows in the White House for new curtains.”
“Well, shit. OK, I'll take the second spot. Tell Elizabeth I will accept the Vice Presidency.”
“We asked her, Hillary, and she doesn't want you. In fact, the whole gang up here said they've had it up to their wing connections with you.”
The choir finished with a final “amen,” and the cloud disappeared.
And so it was, on that cold January day, in 2016. Another day in the life of someone we just grew too tired of.
A clever write that reveals, to me at least, a twinkle in your eye and a tongue lodged firmly in your cheek. Politics in this country is ripe for satire. You have touched on a sensitive subject but with great style.
coronation and Hillary Clinton? add the Almighty to her side? something's deeply wrong about this. then i read on, oh wait- ahaha that fixes everything to its place.
Who was it that said you couldn't write fiction? This was a hoot! And I totally agree. Except, my pick would be Wendy Davis, but she will have to be governor of Texas first, like all the other presidents except, what's his name,"I'll get those gasoline trucks out to you right away" Ricky Perry?
Homer's Ill Iliad & Odd Sea Odyssey (420 pages) is an adult satire/parody rewrite of the classic stories of the 10 year Trojan War and of the 10 year adventure of Odysseus trying to return home to his native Ithaca.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Coronation...
