My friend Robin Neri had been living in Maryland where I live as well. Robin was receiving Social Security benefits and the administration cut her benefits off when they found out that she was an absconder. An absconder is a person that lives in one state but is wanted in another state.
A lot of times the state they are wanted in will make no effort to expedite said individual but will list them as an absconder. This listing in most cases will deny said absconder any state or federal benefits. This is what happened to Robin. Robin is a 45 year old female that for the most part spent her entire life getting high.
Robin had served 5 years in prison in Broward County Florida for armed robbery, car jacking and assault on a police officer. When she was released she was put on probation with a restriction not to leave the state. Robin then got word that her father was dying and had to make a choice. Robin left Florida illegally to see her father one last time before he died. When she got to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania where her father lived she was heartbroken to find out that her father had already died.
Not interested in returning to Florida she went back to Maryland’s eastern shore where her family had once lived. The drugs proved to be too much and she ended up on my doorstep penniless with no where else to turn.
Her parents had died years before and a car accident that was her fault had left her with a debilitating injury that forced her to walk with a cane. Robin’s addiction to opiate drugs had never ceased. The drugs ruled her life either by prescription or illegal street drugs, mainly heroin. Robin showed up in my life 25 years after the fact. I had not seen Robin for over 25 years and the last time I saw her she was spending all her time and money on drugs. I quickly disassociated with her. The drugs had taken there toll on her and she looked physically awful. Robin was severally obese and her teeth were discolored with a receding gum line. I admit she wasn’t much to look at but I knew there was a real person inside of her screaming for help.
With the help of my wife Vickie, we would help Robin find a reason to live again but she had to give no less than 100% effort. The next two years proved to be a trial for everyone especially Vickie and myself. We helped find Robin a place to live that she could afford on her Social Security benefit. Robin seemed to be on the road to recovery, then the truth started coming out. She started selling drugs from her apt. and when she would drop by she was always high as a kite.
My wife and I put our foot down and would not allow her in our home. I did not want to expose my children to that element. Robin eventually lost her apt. because of all the traffic coming and going to buy drugs and she fled to Baltimore Maryland which is about 100 miles from where I live in western Maryland.
Finally she had reached the end of the line in Baltimore and was looking to return to Hagerstown Maryland. The plan was for her to return to Hagerstown, scrounge up enough money for bus fair to Broward County Florida. Once she got to Florida she would turn herself into the local authorities and face the music. Florida was the state Robin had absconded from. The deal was once she cleared her name in Florida she would return to Maryland and get her benefits restarted.
Robin got the money for bus fair to Florida through the United Way. I was there for morale support. Armed with a bottle of methadone to get her off the opiates and 50.00 dollars cash that I gave her for food and cab fair she left on a Greyhound one early Saturday morning. I spent an hour with Robin before she left. Painstakingly I had labored for a friend that had fallen and was trapped with no way out. We spent most the time praying and asking God for mercy and grace through his beloved son Jesus Christ uncertain what the future would bring her.
Robin’s last wish was for me to contact her sister Deanna that was possibly living in Rehoboth Beach Delaware. After exhausting all effort’s to contact Deanna. I finally went into my work room and built a device that would find her. Using two old microwave ovens, some remote sensors and an old computer.
My friend Luis helped me and provided an active L.E.D. board and a micro processor. Luis is the friend of the family only 21 years old. He kind of hangs around and does odd jobs and helps out a lot. Luis’s father is from Puerto Rico his mother is African American. Luis is a total computer geek and is still searching for his place in life.The rest came courtesy of the local Radio Shack. My device was finally complete it was now the hour of definition. I took a long sip of coffee coupled with an overwhelming effort to find Robin’s sister for her.
I then took my device to help find extra large peoples into the back yard and pointed in a southernly direction. I had previously fined tuned the device for an excessive cellulite compound. Bless them Ramen noodles in the wintertime! This thing was gonna work. Soon it would be hummin and singin and back porch swingin and your extra large sister would be found, you couldn’t have wiped the grin off my face when I turned the switch on.
All the diods lit up and started beeping and flashing and as soon as it warmed up big neon rings started coming out of the front of the device. The device looks kinda like a bazooka. As the neon rings left the front of the barrel they got wider and larger and all I could see was these huge neon rings decorating the countryside and soon the horizon. By goodness Gee this thang was gonna work!
My neighbor Roger was out waxing his car and when he glanced over he gave me that look like What the hell is that thing? He turned and craned his head to watch the neon rings get bigger and bigger and disappear down the countryside. Roger is about five foot ten with lots of grey curly hair, somewhere between 45 and50 years old. I have never seen the top of Roger’s head every time I see Roger he has a hat on.Roger is a motor head in every word of the definition. He eats sleeps drinks fast cars.
He has customized his garage with a heater , a television and of course a Lazy Boy recliner, he might even have a bathroom in the garage. The garage has become his world when he is in the garage he is close to the true love of his life, a 1972, candy apple red supercharged Nova. Roger had a small fortune wrapped up in his Nova in customs. A small block 350 motor with a supercharger, leather seats and a suspension that can handle the torque to name a few.
Roger is married but all his kids are grown and moved out of the house. Now it’s just him and his wife Shelia and the Nova along with a pair of Jack Russell Terriers, one named “Flip” and the other named “Chester.” “Chester was the older dog and spent most of his time in the heat of the garage, “Flip” was the younger dog and spent most of his time patrolling the yard for squirrels.The device started shaking in my hands, fortunately I had rigged it with a shoulder harness and quickly slipped the harness over my head. I was looking at the dial the whole time waiting for the light to turn red. Finally it locked onto a target and everything got brighter and louder and all at once the red light came on!
Sweet apple pie and country biscuits we had possibly located Deanna. This was the defining moment of truth. All the technology I had poured into this device was getting ready to pay off. The device indicated the subject it had found was at a distance greater than 100 miles from where I was standing and the size of the subject was anatomically correct. Consider this, I knew Deanna was in the Rehobath beach region and Delaware was due South East from my backyard where I was standing. I also knew Deanna was a big boned woman that lived with her boyfriend Oscar.
Now the distance was right and the region was right as well. I turned the audible dial up to get an accurate sound reading from the subject and listened carefully. All of a sudden a noise came from the device, the questions started swimming in my mind, the biggest question quickly came to the forefront. Could this possibly be Deanna talking to Oscar?
I turned the audible up louder and much to my shagrin a very loud Mooooooooooo! Came out of the device. The sound was deafening. Rogers dog heard the noise and bolted under the red car Roger was waxing. I could see the dog shaking like a leaf wondering when the owner of that sound was gonna pay him a visit. I turned down the audible and realized the device had picked up a cow somewhere in Delaware. I got upset the device was suppose to differentiate between an animal and a human although the anatomical dimensions were the same.
Would I ever see all my hard work payin off? I started tweeking the device until I was sure it would only identify humans and keep those of the bovine species totally out of the picture. I adjusted the L.E.D. board to give me an active silhouette of the subject in question. This way I could see the subject as well as hear the subject. Beam me up Scotty I’m ready!
I turned the switch on again and watched endless neon rings disappear off in the distance. Roger’s dog came out from under the car and started barking at the neon rings rolling out of the back yard, Roger let out a big sigh and shouted “Shut up Flip!” and then continued waxing his car. All systems go and we were waiting for the red light again.
Just then the sky opened up and poured down rain. I watched as Roger ran for cover of the garage, I refused to budge. The man hours I have in the device left me stubborn to quit now. A little rain was not going to send me running inside so easily. The device actually has a name it’s called System, Ovaric, Undisclosed, Emitting, Yagel. Yagel is a fancy name for finder. In short it’s called S.O.U.E.Y. Think about it, a device to find extra large peoples named souey.
Standing in the rain and the device started smoking. I then noticed the rings turned from a neon green color to a neon blue color and quickly deduced that something was about to go a rye. Smoke started pouring off the souey device and quickly it became hot to the touch.
In my ambagious attempt not to be so apprehensive I quickly slipped the shoulder harness off to separate myself from the intense heat the device was emitting. The device rubbed up against my stomach and burned me. I flung it through the yard by the shoulder harness and grabbed my belly like a woman in a waiting room seconds after the water breaks. The device was no longer pointed into an empty horizon. It was pointed at Roger’s yard. At this time Roger had gone into his garage to watch T.V.
One of the blue neon rings made contact with Roger’s dog because the device was lying on the ground and a Jack Russell Terrier is real close to the ground. There I was holding my belly. I could only watch as I heard Roger’s dog “Flip” yelp as the blue neon ring struck him in his hind section. It shot that dog across the yard and into the flower bead. Thank heaven it was raining and the mud helped to make Flip’s landing a soft one. Finally I exhaled when I saw Flip’s confused head pop up in the flower garden. It must have scared the hell out of him his little tail nub was tucked under his legs as he went running for the garage.
I tried to grab the device in an effort to turn it off but it was still hot and I dropped it again. Roger had heard “Flip” yelp and came out of the garage to see what was going on. I looked over at Roger who had a very confused look on his face. He had a big white and red bag of potato chips in his hand and chewing on a mouthful.
I tried grabbing the device by the strap this time, when I pulled it up I watched the projection of another blue neon ring hit Roger right in the potato chips. The bag of potato chips instantly vaporized and left Roger staring down at the lingering potato dust in the air. The power of the evil blue neon rings was getting stronger and I had to act fast before someone got hurt or even worse one of those rings could hit Roger’s baby, the true love of his life, his red hot rod he spends hours waxing with a cloth diaper. Roger collected his thoughts quickly and realized what was going on. Roger snatched up flip and ran into the garage and slammed the door behind him.
In the mayhem of watching the potato chips get vaporized I had dropped the device again and found myself reaching in the rain again.
The ground was muddy and I lost my footing and slipped forward and accidently kicked the device out of reach. Thank goodness the projection was no where near the car. I followed the projection of blue neon rings and watched helplessly as a huge neon blue ring hit one of my 35 foot Maple tree’s dead center. It cut right through the tree like a hot knife through butter.
In my horror I watched as the tree fell. It was surreal.
There are times when we are face to face with our biggest fears and we have that split second to react and in the end we will have held back the tide or tasted the salt from a tidal wave. In this case that split second came and went right before I kicked the souey device half way across the yard. Iwas now tasting the salt. Standing in a down pour I glared to follow the projection and the final resting place of the neon blue rings. When the ring cut through the tree there wasn’t even saw dust. The dust on the other side of the tree was so fine it hung in the air even in the pouring rain. Then the tree began to fall.
I looked over at Roger’s red hot rod and could see the rain beading off the red paint from the wax job. All was well. In the tree’s journey to the ground it got caught in the power lines. I was impressed that the power lines held that tree in suspension like a huge spider web made of rubber. The tree bounced back and forth and finally cut through one of the wires. My luck was about to go from bad to worse.
The power line the tree cut through was live and like a rattle snake out of control started whipping in every direction with sparks flying every time it made contact with something. And then the second power line broke and there was two live power lines whipping in every direction sending a massive amount of voltage into everything it came in contact with.
Although the power lines and the tree were way out of reach of me I recoiled backwards in fear. The sparks reminded me of the summer fireworks I could see from the baseball stadium as I stood on my back porch. The sparks were continuous because the power lines were in constant contact with the rain.
I then watched as every house around me lost electrical power, one by one a second apart they went dark like someone was hitting a light switch. I quickly focused back to the tree which was teetering on one lone wire bouncing up and down. One hard bounce and the tree slid under the power line and all of a sudden was standing straight up and down. I gasped while the tree finished it’s decent towards the ground.
It slid along the power line until it cleared the power line and smashed through Roger’s 10 foot high wooden picket fence. I swear I didn’t hear a thing the whole time because the only sound I could hear was the sizzle and snap of the power lines reeking havoc on the earth below. Finally the tree had fallen and no longer posed an eminent danger. With my eyes I followed the trunk of the tree through the fence all the way up Roger’s driveway where it was resting firmly on top of a red 1972 recently restored Super Nova hot rod.
My mouth had to be wide open in horror. The tree hit the car with such impact the roof of the car was resting on the car’s seats and all the windows had been blasted out by the impact. The little pieces of glass were everywhere. The front and rear axel of the car had snapped like a pretzel and the wheels popped off and were lying on the ground, all but one wheel which was rolling down Roger’s driveway.
The tree had cut right through the car it was a total loss. I looked around for Roger, he was no where in sight. Then there was a huge bang like one car plowing into another coming from the front of my house. The bang was followed by a car horn that was involved in the accident. The horn was stuck on and was very loud and showed no sign of stopping.
Apparently the wheel that went rolling down Roger’s driveway went right out onto Summit Ave. A car tried to avoid hitting the wheel and ended up plowing into my other neighbor’s car that was parked on the street at the time.
I ran around to the front of the house to help the driver in the car that was stuck in my neighbor’s car. The driver of the car was a middle aged balding man that was well dressed with nice slacks and a camel hair jacket apparently heading towards town. An air bag saved his impact and he was fine. The hood of the car the middle age man was driving had popped up off the engine and the engine of the car was exposed to the rain. The sound of the horn was drawing too much attention and in a panic I yanked the battery cables off of the battery. The sound of the horn finally stopped. The driver of the car reached in his back seat and pulled out an umbrella as soon as the umbrella was open out popped his cell phone I couldn’t here what he was saying but he was standing over Roger’s one lone tire which was now lying on it’s side. .
My neighbor John, the owner of the car that had been parked and subsequently plowed into was now standing on his front porch. He too was talking on a phone and looking out at the carnage of the wreck. John had on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and some bedroom slippers and was looking over the rim of his glasses. John was about 5 foot 7 and was from England him and his wife Debbie moved in the neighborhood about a year ago. Debbie is a school teacher at a local public school while John works at a local lab as a technician. My hair was soaking wet from the rain and I tasted the salt from my body as a trickle of water slid down my cheek and ended up on my lips.
I then realized that the souey device was still on and I needed to disable it as soon as possible. I ran around to the back yard and grabbed the heaviest and biggest thing I could find on my porch, my 6foot aluminum ladder. I took the ladder and proceeded beating the hell out of the device until it was a smoldering pile of twisted broken metal mass. I collected the broken pieces in an empty milk crate and gently placed the crate on my back porch.
I went into the house and retrieved my smokes and went back to the porch. My clothes were soaked clear through to the skin I trembled from the cold as I reached in my pocket for my bic lighter. It was no surprise to find out that my lighter didn’t work, it was too wet. I suddenly heard this sobbing at first I thought it was the rain.
I looked over to the direction of the noise and witnessed the saddest sight I ever laid eyes on. There was Roger sitting on the wet ground next to his red hot rod with his hand on what was left of the drivers side door sobbing loudly.
Flip was trying his hardest to console Roger by dancing on his lap and licking his face. That dog was doing everything he could to get Roger to quit sobbing but nothing was working. I went back into the house and pressed the handle on the toaster down. I waited for the orange glow and eased my cigarette into the opening and started puffing hard. I took my lit cigarette back out onto the porch and looked down into the milk crate and listened to the rain.
Just then I heard a loud pop and nearly jumped out of my skin until I realized the loud pop was the sound of the toaster popping up. What at this point could I possibly tell Roger to make him feel better? And the big question, who was going to pay for this mess and who would clean this mess up? So many questions were running through my mind.
The only grace I had was that Vickie and the kids had gone to Frederick for the day to visit her mother. I would have a hard time “Splainin this” as Ricky Ricardo would say. A loud banging was coming from the front door and woke me out of my daydream.
I was almost afraid to open the door at this point but I knew this was my destiny and my choices were slim to none that there was any good on the other side of the door. I crushed out my cigarette and closed the back door behind me. The walk across the wood floors to the front door felt like the last mile or better yet I now knew that feeling an inmate had when walking that last walk on the way to execution. The knock came again and it seemed twice as loud as I slowly turned the door knob and pulled the door towards me.
Standing in front of me was a huge cop. Standing behind the cop was the middle aged man who plowed into my neighbor’s car, he was still talking on his cell phone. It was a woman police officer and she was massive. The badge that was pinned to her chest was lost in a sea of blue and seemed so small. She had a butch dirty blonde haircut and reeked heavily of dike. I looked down at her boots and noticed she was missing one sock.
I knew what this meant, only one thing, this dike was on her period. Just then I thought the last thing I need right now is a temperamental homosexual looking to prove she was a stronger man than me. I started getting agitated at the glare this he she was giving me and almost blurted out “Your only half the man your mother was!” I quilled my temper and said nothing. I didn’t want to dig my hole any deeper. Words would follow and they would not be good.
I think we need to speak to you Mr.?” There was a lingering pause and the last thing I wanted to do was talk but I finally mustered the words, “Flaherty!” “The name is Flaherty” I responded loud and clear. I had to get a grip on things and take charge of this conversation. This dike was not taking big daddy down. The very large cop stepped into my home but did keep her distance, leaving the middle aged man standing on the front porch alone.
The woman had a little microphone attached to her shoulder that came from a radio strapped to her side somewhere under the sea of midnight blue. She was whispering into the mic. And whoever was on the other end was speaking in numbers and code. It was all Greek to me. It made me nervous like someone speaking in a foreign language in your presence one you could not understand. You know they are sizing you up. That was the flavor of the moment.
If I was a drinking man I would be halfway to drunk by now. I put the sauce away years ago but right then and there a vodka and tonic with a lime twist sounded real good. “What can I help you with Mr. I mean Ms.?” “ The name is officer Landry!” Ms. Landry was not too pleased with my pun.
“Aren’t you suppose to have a name tag on the opposite side of that badge?” The game of chess had begun. Wit would not go too far here, the way I looked at it I had two options, the first was to tell the truth from the beginning and sleep uncomfortably in the land of barbed wire and orange jump suits for a long time.
The other option was simple, play stupid and see where the crap landed after hitting the fan. You know I was playin dumb! “Mr. Flagherty I am not here to discuss my name tag that was lost in the laundry, I am here to discuss all the strange events that seem to be coming from your home!” Flagherty, how many times have I heard that through the years this openly pisses me off .
“There is no G in my last name it is pronounced Flaherty!” If you are here to get the facts right then lets start with this one, and as far as your laundry Landry that issue is entirely yours and I am not interested in any other details concerning your name tag.” Officer Landry walked through my house to the back door and opened it and stepped onto the back porch.
I followed totally scared shitless and waited. She looked up and noticed the live wires dancing in the rain. Her eyes then returned to the porch and focused on the milk crate and the contents there with in. She started mumbling into her mic. I could make out power company and my address. Alright she called the power company to turn the juice off. Cool. Landry then kicked the milk crate which was still smoking and said “What is this!”
I had to think fast. I stepped off of the porch and looked up into the rain and pointed. “I think it’s part of my satellite dish that fell off in the storm.” She looked up at the dish mounted on the roof and then started fixing her eyes on the tree stump which by the way was smoking also. Landry went out into the yard and the rain for a closer look at the tree stump on the way she spotted a huge hole in my chain link fence and stopped dead in her tracks.
Officer Landry stood peering through the hole in the chain link fence, I stood behind her peering too. The hole was perfectly round as if someone took a B. F.C.(BIG FRIGGEN COOKIE CUTTER) and cut a hole in my fence. The hole continued through Roger’s fence and Roger’s neighbor’s fence. A clear path had been cut at least two blocks away because I could see the traffic through the hole out on Wilson Blvd. Which was at least two blocks away.
I began to wonder of what became of any inanimate object that may have been lying in the path of the evil neon blue rings. There was literally nothing but rain and grass in the hole as far as the eye could see until the traffic on Wilson Blvd. came into view. I could see the tops of the cars coming and going in both directions, I gasped under my breath.
To the left of the hole was Roger still sitting on the ground in the rain sobbing with his hand on the car. I could see the rain beading off of what was left of his hood and thought to myself, that was a hell of a wax job. Officer Landry didn’t give Roger a second glance, she stepped through the hole in my fence and proceeded down the path that the evil neon blue rings had cut. Every time officer Landry came into another yard she stopped and turned around looking back to my yard. When officer Landry finally made it to the sidewalk out on Wilson Blvd. She started heading back through the holes. I had to think fast, what words could possibly fit this picture?
My mind ran a blank, all my neighbor’s started gathering in their perspective back yards to view the carnage. Would I need officer Landry to temper these possibly angry on lookers?
I went back to the porch and dug my hand deep in my wet pocket for my lighter, I then realized that would not work. I found myself in the kitchen again waiting for the orange glow of the toaster. After I lit the cigarette I returned to the porch. There was officer Landry consoling Roger. She managed to get him off the ground and was telling him “Everything will be all right.” Roger sobbed louder and kept pointing at the tree that was lying on his car. Officer Landry kept repeating to Roger, “I know,I know, everything will be all right in a calming voice.” Officer Landry managed to talk Roger into going into the house and warming up.
Just then two big utility trucks with yellow lights flashing pulled up in Roger’s driveway and came to a stop at the point where Roger’s smashed car was, they could go no further because of the tree lying in the driveway. A bunch of utility men poured out of the two trucks like cockroaches in a South East D.C. tenement row house kitchen after someone turned on the light. The men opened up big panel doors on the sides of the trucks and pulled out huge chain saws. Officer Landry immediately went over to the men and the argument insued.
“What do you plan on doing with those chain saws?” “Look here lady, we gotta cut this tree out of our way so we can get that bucket truck back there to turn them lines off and fix them, this mess has knocked out the power in one whole city block.” “I understand that gentleman but I have to take pictures of this before you touch that tree.” The utility supervisor sighed and said “O.K. lady how long is this gonna take?” Officer Landry responded quickly “Give me ten minutes.” “O.K. lady we will sit tight but make it quick, it’s raining hard and we cant spend all day at one job.”
Officer Landry disappeared down the driveway towards her cruiser parked on Summit Avenue. I then wondered what happened to dude that was left standing alone on my front porch with the umbrella and the cell phone. I walked through the house and opened the front door. I was aghast at what I saw. There was another police officer talking to the middle aged man with the cell phone and umbrella as well as my other neighbor John who lived directly across street from me, by the way John owned the car that dude plowed into.
To the left of me was another group of people holding dog leashes and calling out various names, shrouded in a sea of umbrellas. The one name I recognized that was shouted out was “Barney.” That name was coming from my neighbor that lived on the other side of Roger’s house, Regan. Regan made eye contact with me and started down the sidewalk towards my house. His wife Marty was in tow behind him holding firmly onto a big black umbrella. Regan and Marty moved to Hagerstown about 5 years ago from Montgomery County Maryland. The couple had no children they both seemed to be in their mid forties. Regan worked in real estate in Montgomery County, Marty was a nurse at a local hospital. They had a beautiful house and Regan and I were good friends and spoke often. Regan had recently grew a beard and it came out all grey. I joked with Marty the last time I saw her. I asked her where Ernest Hemingway was. She got a huge laugh out of that one.
Regan looked up at me standing on the front porch, “Hey Tim have you seen Barney?” “Somehow someone blew a big hole in both sides of my fence in the back yard and Barney escaped out of the hole.” “The same with all these other people and their dogs.” Barney was a 2year old tri-colored beagle and was just a handsome devil for a dog. Barney was just as sociable. I thought before I responded, Damn them evil neon blue rings!
“No Regan I haven’t seen Barney today but if I do I’ll give you a call.” “Thanks Tim.” I looked around to see if officer Landry could hear what I was saying. I looked up Roger’s driveway and could see officer Landry taking pictures of the fallen tree and the smashed car with what appeared to be a small digital camera.
Regan and Marty joined the other pet owners in the sea of umbrellas and headed up Summit Avenue towards Wilson Blvd. Continuing to call out the names of their pets until the rain finally drowned out the sound of their voices in the distance. Like a bolt a pack of dogs rounded Brown Avenue and proceeded to cross Summit Avenue. The all dog caravan was yappin and barkin all the way with Barney in the lead. The dogs continued on Brown Avenue after crossing Summit Avenue and headed up the hill towards city park. There had to be six or seven dogs altogether.
The police officer that was taking the information from the accident looked up momentarily and watched the dogs cross and then looked back down at his paper work as not to be a witness. The fire police had closed off Summit Avenue because of the accident and were redirecting traffic on both ends. When was this mayhem going to end!?
I had enough of the view of the front of the house and made my way through the house into the kitchen and finally the bathroom. The cold wet rain and my soak and wet clothes left me with the overwhelming urge to pee. After I finished my business I found myself once again looking down for the orange glow of the toaster. I rubbed my hands together over the toaster to try and generate some heat, I was freezing.
I stepped out on the back porch and was met with what sounded like the sound of 100 chainsaws filling the air. Sawdust was flying all over Roger’s car as the utility workers methodically cut the tree into sections and then moved them out of the way. I went back into the kitchen and closed the door behind me to muffle out the sound of the chain saws. I set the coffee pot up to brew some coffee, I needed something to warm my wet, frozen carcass.
I stood in the kitchen and watched the coffee pot drip the magical elixir when officer Landry opened the back door and stepped in. The sound of the chain saws roared through the kitchen. I went behind her and closed the door. Officer Landry was staring at the coffee pot with what appeared to be my lit cigarette I had left in the ashtray on the back porch, it was now dangling from her mouth.
“You know my wife doesn’t allow smoking in the house Ms. Landry.” She bellowed out a loud laugh, “Believe me Mr. Flagherty my smoking is the least of your worries today.” I watched as the ash from her cigarette dropped on the kitchen floor. “I take lots of cream and lots of sugar in my coffee Mr. Flagherty by the way.” I made the two cups of coffee and put them on the dining room table.
I was scared and was the least bit interested in spending any time in the county hooscow, if it’s coffee she wants it’s coffee she gets. “That’s what I like Mr. Flagherty cooperation, we can all get along better with a little cooperation.” And with that she winked at me. This totally repulsed me.
“So Mr. Flagherty where are the wife and kids?” “Kids?” “I didn’t say I had kids?” Officer Landry pointed to the toys on the back porch. “They wont be back for a few hours they went to Frederick for the day to visit her mother.” “ See co-op-er-at-ion goes a long way.” “Now the big question Mr. Flagherty, do you have home owners insurance?” “Well, yes I do as a matter of fact.” “Good, that’s real good your gonna need to use it today.” “Can I see your policy?”
I left the dining room table and went to my living room and then to my desk and opened a file drawer. I thumbed through the files until I found my homeowners policy and carefully slid it out of the file. I returned to the dining room where officer Landry was sitting and handed her the policy.
I went to take a sip of coffee and noticed a cigarette butt floating in my cup. The big burly cop chuckled aloud when she saw me with the coffee cup. “Everything seems to be in order here Mr. Flagherty, your day is looking brighter.”
I suddenly noticed the sound of the chain saws had stopped. “See Mr. Flagherty the neighborhood is already getting quieter.” She stood up and went to the back porch as I followed her and closed the door behind us. I looked in the milk crate and noticed some of the lights were still flashing on the souey device, the big barrel of the device was sticking out of the milk crate still smoking.
“You see Mr. Flagherty, I can believe that a bolt of lightening stuck your tree and fell on Mr. Sweigert’s car, even though it looked as though that tree was cut in half with some sort of laser, you see the cut is too clean for lightening, but I can buy the lightening story.” “Bottom line is your tree fell on Mr. Sweigert’s car and that makes you liable.” “Your homeowners will take care of that easily.”
“ The power company already blamed the weather for the damage to the power lines so you get off the hook for that one.” “The one I’m having a hard time with is how your car drove through all those fences without a single witness or tire track around.” “Feel free to enlighten me any time Mr. Flagherty, jump right in?”
This crap was making my brain swim and all I could do was stare down at my shoes during the inquisition. Silence sometimes is the best motto. The truth would truly incriminate me and I had run out of answers.
I took a long sip of coffee and spit it out as soon as it got in my mouth. I dumped the coffee with the cigarette butt in the back yard. I looked up to see a big bucket truck parked under the power lines with a man in the bucket working feverishly in the rain with a bright yellow hard hat. “Well Mr. Flagherty have you come up with a different ending to our fabulous story?”
This was important now. You remember when I told you about that split second to act before catastrophe struck. You know that second when I kicked the souey device across the yard. Grace was smilin on me again and I just got that second back. My words would make me or break me on one hand I had hot coffee, warm good food, a warm woman to curl up to every night, plenty of beautiful children running through the house and last but not least, FREEDOM!
On the other hand there was one style of clothing, orange jump suits, nasty food, an undesirable companionship in whence I had to be careful not to drop the soap in the shower, and last but not least NO FREEDOM!
“I took the car to my brother’s house, the rain must have washed away the tire tracks, it all happened so fast.” “The accelerator got stuck and the rest was history.” “Ha,Ha Mr. Flagherty, how did the car end up in your back yard considering there was no opening in your fence for a car to fit in?” “And then you got the tire track scenario.” “Not to mention the perfect cut holes through all them fences with not a single piece of fence from the holes lying anywhere.” “It”s like the pieces of missing fence vanished or vaporized into thin air.”
Once again I was looking at my shoes, where was the one answer that was going to keep me out of the big house? I noticed the souey device had green smoke rising out of it and the lights were lit up red, it began to crackle and finally let out a loud beep. Part of the broken L.E.D. board was visable from the top of the milk crate and I could make out the words subject confirmed. The top of the barrel to the souey device was pointed directly at officer Landry’s buttocks region. The device then started beeping even louder and all the diods were lit up bright red.
I smiled at officer Landry and said aloud “It works!” “What works Mr. Flagherty!” “The name is Mr. Flaherty lady and you better start saying it right you nasty dike!” Her eyebrows twitched and her face went to total anger. I was waiting for the response but holding my ground with just as much agitation. “Cooperation Mr. Flaherty, cooperation!”
“ A lightening bolt and a car with a stuck accelerator, that’s how it’s going down in my report Mr. Flaherty the one that you will agree to sign.” “I will also give your neighbor’s your insurance information and explain your liability in the matter.” “I will also give your insurance information to the owners of the two cars that were wrecked in the front of your house today.” “You see Mr. Flaherty your tree wrecked three cars today.”
“This sucks Ms. Landry, it’s a lose, lose situation for me all the way around if you ask me.” “Unless you can explain what really happened then I guess Mr. Flaherty this one is ready for the record books.” “Besides who would believe in anything else?” I shrugged my shoulders this conversation was over. After I signed her documents I walked her to the front door and watched her get in her cruiser and drive off up Summit Avenue towards Wilson Blvd.
What have I learned from this? My device proved to be quite costly but in the end the souey device did work. Roger will probably never talk to me again. I looked out the window in my living room and noticed the rain had stopped, and coming bounding down Brown Avenue was Regan, Marty, and Barney in full harness. Barney’s running with the wild pack had come to an end.
I was upstairs watching T.V. when Vickie and the kids came home later. They came rustling in the house like a herd of elephants. Vickie shouted up,”Have you been smoking in my house?” “I can smell it!” “Flaherty you better get down here right now and explain what happened to my maple tree!” Well, here comes the rain again.
The End
All characters and events are fictional and any similarities between actual people,characters and events are purely coincidental.
Fractured Frazzled Folk Fables and Fairy Farces is adult literature that satirizes famous children's stories, fables and fairy tales. The work is Jay Dubya's twenty-first e-book available in Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.
