Not just a nasty, rainy parade but one that involves grown-ups shoving small children down into the mud puddles to obtain the candy that is thrown from the parade floats. But wait, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. Actually, it begins with arriving at the destination 6 1/2 hours before the parade is due to start just so we can get a good parking spot. Me, hubby and children sit in the vehicle bitching and complaining because the parade, which is scheduled to begin at 7 PM still hasn't even started and it's already nearly 2PM.
By the time seven o'clock DOES roll around we expect the parade to be directly in front of us even though it departed 3 miles up the road. Now, this is when the fun really starts. The sixteen billion firetrucks, police cars, rescue units and ambulances blairing there goddam, noisy, mother.....(oh, excuse me)....sirens arrive.
Two hours later our blessed paid and volunteer police and rescue vehicles are gone (thank God!). Next, here comes the..what the hell is she supposed to be anyway? Anyhow, this woman dressed in a cape, which makes her look like she has wings, is prancing down the middle of the street flapping her stupid fake wings. She really does look like a freak! Then, there's the town band (I think that's who they were anyway). They were a group of people playing instruments but they didn't march in any kind of format. Maybe they were just a crowd of people walking by? But they did have instruments and they were playing them. Here I go again getting ahead of myself, I left off the best part! The rain came down in buckets through the entire parade. So now, not only were we deaf from all of the noise, we were also sick from eating all of the candy that we obtained (sorry kids!), and we were soaked to the skin.
Any normal person would have seeked shelter but we needed to see the guy in the red suit (who knows why! We're all old enough to know that this Santa is an impostor).
Oh, for Heaven's Sake! MORE firetrucks. (In my head I'm screaming 'Please make them go away!') Next, there's a fat guy on a motorcycle but I don't think he's even supposed to be in the parade. At this point I'd like to see him fall off, I don't want him to get hurt, I just need a good laugh.
What came next was truly beautiful, a Clydesdale horse pulling a sleigh (what followed the horse wasn't so pretty though!) Those Clydesdale's really shouldn't eat before a parade.
Oh joy! Here comes the happy cheerleaders collecting letters for Santa Clause. Oh, but wait! There hair is ruined from all of the rain, there clothes are soaked and there running mascara makes them look like replica's of Tammy Fae.... what a hideous sight. Here comes Santa......there goes Santa. He didn't even looked our way! He focused on the other side of the street, where the rude people that parked there cars kept there headlights on the entire time making it nearly impossible to see anything.
Oh, the joyous Christmas parade.......I can't wait till next years. :)
Stories Worth Wiping Your A** With
Whether you're making a deposit at the stank bank, dropping a return at the squat shop, or conducting a brown business meeting, these perfectly timed tales provide the literary fragrance your privacy deserves. F
