Yes, when separated in heart due to steeped pain, bewilderment and dismay,
we all withdraw, one and all! In heart or in body, our departure is a reality.

Rodney's Painted Pen Commentary

Reclusive Rodney


In reluctant submission, I attach these personal words to parchment this day, not in order to point to me, but rather to uncover similar patterns and heartbeats that paint us all in common colors differing.

Yes, I remain the deepest type of reclusive indeed this day, venturing out only several times in the past years. What, one might ask causes one into such extreme and eccentric behavior as perceived by most?

I begin by stating that it has been my experience due to considerable observation broadcast over the years, that most folk have a propensity to retreat when suddenly embarking upon stark hardship, failure and pain. Most however suspend their lives only momentarily and for a brief spec in time.

Yes, we all remain quite different in our capabilities and talents, when it comes to battling and waging war on pain, hardship and disappointment. I merely disappeared completely, not to be heard from again, for literally years!

I waged my war upon canvas, for I had no other venue. I painted my deep-seated disappointment and tears upon the faces of many letters to one only I still trusted, for I had not the ear of one in person. I battled daily the acute pain that had so masterfully separated me completely from society, the only way I knew how, by casting letters into words, and words into thoughts, and thoughts into volumes.

Oh yes, I remain peculiar to most indeed, due to the odd heart and person I portray upon canvas, but if by chance we were to bump into one another at the grocery store, which we would not I might add; you would find me as most all others I should think, not revealing the turmoil and fear within, for afterall I had spent years perfecting this cool image of past.

Do I ramble in thought? Often, I am aware, yet the exercise and quest for me, is to paint my heart as it speaks, no, no editing to be sure, for I seek to be portrayed as I stand this day, in all my flaws and foibles. For it remains my personal quest in life to begin to display my true heart, rather than the masquerading man I walked as once.

Hey Rodney that's all great and everything, but what the hell does this have to do with me?
Fair question indeed, perhaps nothing, and perhaps everything! Do we not all sever and separate ourselves from others in a myriad of ways after once tasting the bitter root of hurt, pain and dismay? Does not the separation of heart and mind, invisible to most, constitute and represent severe, acute and dramatic retreat into isolation, just the same as one such as I, withdraws in physical visage, countenance and form?

Are not many, I ask this day, already separated in heart from their mates, children, family and friends, despite the fact that we dwell still under the same roof? Do we not in people pleasing manner often slap the back of one, with wide smile inhaling our face, while inside we have no common bond at all? Yes, revealing our not so honest presentation of our personage, essence and character.

The separation I speak of and address this day in time, is of drastic importance to each and all, for few I fear have attempted to discover the art of truly honest representation of self! Why you ask? Because if we show them our true heart, and fly it proudly as a banner of truth and honesty, folks may not like us! Often as well upon sober, honest and personal disclosure, we are met with ridicule and disdain as well, leaving us not quite so quick to repeat the heart exercise once again!

My life this day remains an open book in many regards, due to the fact that I have painted most of my true self to the inward pages of my book, and yet no, all know not all. Yet I remain not displeased over this fact that all now have access to the once vaulted recesses and corridors of my heart, for indeed that was the exercise and quest for me!
For I found in all my lifelong attempts to be liked by all, that this indeed would never take place, so my chameleon representation of years, bathed in fear based deceit and mask, really bore no fruit whatsoever, other than me losing my best self in the process.

So now I remain committed of mind, and fully persuaded of heart, that the only honorable way to walk as a man, is in daily attempted honesty, insofar as disclosing my true self. The tome of words I have assembled over the years indeed would reach the height of most rooftops in my attempt to reveal myself upon parchment, for I found it the only way to attempt to reconnect to the world and the people in it I had so completely left behind.

I trudge on daily, knowing many indeed care not, but yet I pen on, knowing that many hearts remain such as mine, isolated due to the pain life has raked and inscribed upon their tender hearts. I now smile in my verbosity as I say, I have said all that to say this, the fear that separates us from others is not natural at all in my estimation, and finally renders the heart stilled and stagnate in time!

So indeed, rather than falling victim to this swarthy offensive state of mind and heart, I attempt to live this day by my own quote... "If you show them your heart, all men of value shall embrace it". Yes, all men of value! Not all care for the sound of the heart unfolding and undressing itself in glimmering honesty, for it remains indeed a vexation to the man of vaulted heart and mind. Yet with full knowledge of this fact I press on as I encourage you too, as well in this exercise of undressed honesty of self, for today I do feel persuaded indeed, that when the true whisper of our hearts and souls are etched into the framework and underpinning of time, that the world indeed shall experience a joy, freedom and color, never seen before on the horizon of time.

So in closing my friends, "If you show them your heart, all men of value shall embrace it"
Peace,
Rodney Evan Bohen
www.rodneybohen.com