When my daughters were growing up, I made it a habit of writing them loving messages for just about anything, especially on birthday cards and holiday greetings. They got the hint and reciprocated. Since that time I’ve kept every note as if it were gold. For example, on the Father’s Day she graduated from high school, my youngest daughter, Koren wrote, “Daddy, I honestly hold you in the highest esteem. You are kind, generous, and the most honest man I know. You do things for others never expecting anything in return. For that and much more, I love you.” I keep that one in a special file close to my heart.

Over the years my daughters have sent me many cards and letters telling me how I’ve influenced their lives. I cry every time I get one. I believe other fathers need to realize gifts like a T-shirt or gym shorts are transient, but a gift of words is a gift from the heart that lasts forever.

What must fathers do to earn the gift of words? Dr. Aleksandra Drecun, licensed psychologist and coach indicates various behaviors fathers must show for assertive and effective fathering. These behaviors include fostering a cordial relationship with the children’s mother, spending time with children, being involved with their education, and serving as a positive role model.

Relationship with mother

Dr. Drecun says, “Men can be excellent and adored fathers by treating and interacting with their children’s mother in an affectionate, respectful, caring, and considerate manner. The virtues dad manifests in his relationship with the mother of his children set an important example.”

When my girls were 3 and 8 years old their mother and I filed for divorce. Not wanting our girls to grow up in an atmosphere of hate, we made sure the divorce was amicable. We shared the same lawyer, obtained joint custody, and all business like school or child support was taken care of without child intervention.  We celebrated birthdays, holidays, and special events together. We made sure never to have arguments or exchange negative comments in front of our girls.

Spending time with children

Spending fatherly time with children is essential. Dr. Drecun says, “Children equate love with spending time together.” This special time allows father and child to get to know each other and experience a sense of connection and closeness. I connected with my daughters helping them with their homework during weekdays and going on bike rides, hikes, and schlepping them to soccer games or dance rehearsals on weekends.

Jorge Baptiste, a Carlsbad bank teller says, “My father was not around when I was growing up, but I had a godfather who raised me as his own. He showed me what it meant to be a man and father. He was always patient with me especially during my rebellious teen years.”

Jorge’s godfather was always consistent with his parenting. He would pursue active rather than passive activities with his godson. Dr. Drecun says, “Shared activities promote a sense of responsibility and self-efficacy in children that is associated to greater self-esteem, academic and occupational achievement, psychological well-being, and social engagement late in life.”

Educational Involvement

Spending time with children includes fostering their intellectual growth. When my daughters were young I made sure I read to them every night before they went to sleep. I attended parent-teacher meetings, went to the school when problems occurred, and helped them with their homework.

Emily Bush, a student from University Heights says this about her father, “Dad, you have taught me how to look after my possessions and care for them so they can last a long time. From you I learned how to save money and budget my time. You have taught me the importance of education and loving what you choose to do as a profession. You showed me how important it is to love your partner and the importance of a stable, honest marriage.”

Serving as a Positive Role Model

Stefanie Radasa, the Industry 453 boutique owner and San Diego County resident understands the importance of a positive role model. She wrote this to her dad, “When growing up I remember how hard you worked from early morning until late in the evening. You always made time to pick me up from field hockey practice, and driving me home and cook me dinner. As tired as you were, you always took care of me.”

Stefanie’s father provided his daughter with a very positive role model. According to Dr. Drecun, “Father’s should lead by example. They should display healthy behaviors they would like for their children to manifest” in growing up to become healthy contributing societal members.

A few years ago, when my oldest daughter was pregnant with her first child she wrote on her Father’s Day card, “You’ve been patient, understanding, caring, and loving. You put your children first before anything else including work, love life, and personal needs. Daddy, you’re my teacher, my friend, and my parent.” Now Channie’s the mother of my granddaughter, Arielle, passing on what I taught her. I couldn’t be prouder.

Over the years I have received sports clothes, gift cards, shirts, and slacks from my daughters for Father’s Day. With every gift came a card with loving words that cost them nothing extra, but for me held the highest value. Those words did have a price. To earn them I took time away from work, chose not to nurture alliances to improve career prospects, and deferred social events to spend extra hours with my kids when they needed it the most.

Dads who put their children first produce adults that are society’s glue.  Dr. Drecun’s father was such a man. He taught her by example, he was gentle, and lived his life with the values of commitment, dedication, diligence, and integrity. She says, “I know I can depend on him at any given moment, and he has always had my best interest at heart.”  These are truly the gift of words for any dad.

Note: "The Gift of Words" first appeared in the June 2013 issue of San Diego Family Magazine.            

Michael Thal is the author of the award winning YA novel, Goodbye Tchaikovsky.