Ten years ago, I was an atheist and I sinned like everybody else. I got so much guilty with myself and angry with the world for hurting me so much.
So, I just kept being depressed. I was quite low and thought life would be so much better if I was dead.
I moved from France to live in the United Kingdom. I got there as an au pair at the age of 22. I got sacked from the job after a month. My English was very poor and I didn’t have any family over there. I went through hell. I got myself into a hostel and started looking for work. I was dizzy with worries. In another way, I didn’t want to go back to France because my trip was a complete disaster and I just failed my business administration degree.
Over the weeks, I found work an accommodation and a few friends in London. And one day, I met some Christians who told me that God existed but I got scared that God will come down to meet me.
So, I told them to stop scaring me like this. They even took me to their church but that didn’t change my belief. However, I kept on sinning and kept finding myself into troubles. So, I fell more and more into depression. Moreover I had this kind of weird dream at night where I was fighting with somebody; a sort of spiritual fight. A few days later, I actually felt somebody trying to kill me while I was sleeping.
Then, I went to tell my friends about it. They happened to believe in God, of catholic background, they had a strong faith in God. They said to me that I could talk to God as a friend and that He cares.
A few days later, I was alone in my room and I started talking to God, pouring my heart to Him. I felt His overwhelming love around me like He was holding me in His arms and telling me to share my burdens to Him. I felt so much better afterwards. It was an amazing experience and my bad dreams stopped.
I started reading the bible and have faith in God. I looked for a church and found a chaplain that explained me the bible and I got baptized and, accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour.
Over the years, I learnt to pray and believe in God in good and bad times. I started sharing the Word of God in the street. I worshipped God a lot while I waited to find a job. Then, I couldn’t wait any longer in jobs that I didn’t enjoy so I quitted. However God supplied new ones. Yeah! My life changed for the better, I made peace with my dad with whom I was so angry for being violent as I grew up. Then, I wrote a Christian book which I self-published.
When I got married, I got so many problems like I didn’t get on with my husband, I didn’t have a marketing budget for my book so he didn’t really sell, my husband was out of work, then he got his own business who didn’t do very well. He had to close down; we were struggling to pay our mortgage, a baby on the way. I didn’t have a permanent job, we got ourselves into debts, it was hard.
As a result, I felt depressed, stressed, and angry with God for not making things better. I prayed when I was really depressed, I read my bible but then, I found it very hard to connect with God when I’m down. But I always end up pouring out my troubles to Him. He is a good listener.
I found that as a young Christian. God makes it very easy to answer prayers but as we mature in Christ, we have to walk more by faith and not by sight.
At the end, I separated from my husband, I got the house repossessed and, now, came back to live in France with my family.
God has been absolutely amazing because my dad, who I used to hate, provide me shelter for me and my child, I found a few jobs now and then. God has led me to pray more and read my bible. I bought a lot of Christian’s books to get some help on improving my character and finding my purpose. My son is saying every day that he loves me so much. I’m still working things out as friends with my husband. I just want to try and get back into my writing which I think is a calling from God.
It is not happy, happy, and everyday. Sometimes, I’m very depressed because things can be hard at times. But I keep pouring my heart to God because I believe that Jesus is still on the throne and he is my comforter and my strength in times of needs.
I keep reading the Word, God keeps telling me to meditate and believe his word that I walk by faith and not by sight. Even when we are crushed in pieces, God is never too far to pick us up and put us in the right track.
God bless.
Sana
