My most recent post was about a story I heard from a friend that prompted me to encourage everyone to create a “password” for themselves and put it in place before having sex. To recap: my single mom friend told me that after having sex with a guy she had been seeing, she emailed him to tell him how much he meant to her. He didn't respond, and when they saw each other next time, he told her he wasn't interested in her “theatrics.” My friend knew the problem she had gotten herself into – she had confused chemistry with love and gotten too intimate too quickly.
So what does it mean to have a “password” for your sexual life? Here are some ideas – in varying forms of strength:
Here are some very low-strength passwords:
What’s your number?
You look like my future!
Can I buy you a drink?
You turn me on so much!
I can’t stop thinking about you…
I want you!
Can I come up?
Maybe I’ll call you sometime… (said after first date)
‘Night, darling…He calls you before he goes to bed (but are you the only one he’s calling?)
All of the above one-liners are designed to get you in the sack: for every genuine guy, 99.9% of millions of others want to break your code and see how fast they can do it. Especially a guy who doesn’t want a relationship. Which, by the way, should be your first question (given the statistics, the odds of him telling the truth are slim to none if he thinks you’ll hop in the sack sooner rather than later). Watch his feet and hands, what he does and what he says, and see if they match. Tough to do after the fact! Words like this are empty gestures, and almost always lead to you being dumped—or, at minimum, the relationship fizzles out. Do the math. Look at your history. You don’t respect your sacred self, guess what? Neither will he. If you have been down this road and are tired of the results, feeling bad about yourself…again, time to get some self-esteem going, ladies. Let them look but don’t touch. Plenty of time for that after you collect your facts. You deserve to be with a really great person!
Medium strength
I have never felt this way before!
We’ve been on three dates, come on!
You make me so hot, why would you deny yourself?
My friends all like you.
I am a great guy.
I love you (exclusively when said while naked)
These are common and compelling scenarios, but none of them are real indicators of anything that takes much effort on his part. The three-date rule is ridiculous, and if you fall for it, you lose. For gals, collecting notches on your bedpost isn’t anything to feel good about unless you work at a dude ranch. Have some self-respect and don’t be an idiot. Know who you’re with. Slow down and get some more details and experience with this person. Plenty of time for all-nighters later!
“I love you!” Heck, how many times have you told someone you just met in the ladies room after a few cocktails that you love them? We throw that phrase around like a rag doll these days. Don’t confuse it for the real thing, if that’s what you really want; a genuine reflection of caring and respect. About shacking up: in today’s economy, maybe it will take a load off him emotionally and financially to have a live-in booty call who helps pay rent. I have interviewed many, many men, and let me say this: being a roomie doesn’t mean he will marry you or is committed to you. Likely it’s convenient, and he doesn’t want to be alone either, and NO, more time will not convince him otherwise; he will just become resentful of you (and of himself for not knowing himself better) and then feel guilty when he eventually bails. So what if his friends like you? Is this a personality contest, are they in relationships, are they happy? And FYI, heads up; his friends are almost always a reflection of the kind of guy he is! That he thinks he’s a great guy isn’t the best testimonial—likely a guy who’s tooting that horn is waving a red flag!
Strong
I don’t want to see anyone else but you. (and some time has proven this)
I know who I am and what I want.
I think we make a great team!
Move in with me. (no commitment other than this)
I want to share my life with you.
Spend your life with me.
Marry me.
Okay, Ideally these words would be a precursor for sexual intimacy. Why? Because I have been witness to what happens when we don’t slow down and check out the goods. What I am saying is, slow down. Wait. Take the relationship for a test drive. Gather all your information. History tells us that when we don’t, we are setting ourselves up for trouble. It’s not a theory, it’s a fact!
Look at your relationship history and you will see that hindsight serves you. Take care to learn from those choices and have a plan so you are less inclined to make them again. A man who knows he wants to be with you is different from a man who wants you—take note. A man who wants to shack up is different from a man who wants to share his life with you. Pay attention! A man who puts a ring on your finger is more likely to love, honor and respect you, as he believes in the sacred agreement of marriage (and you know his track record there because you’ve done your other homework), and so on. These distinctions often take time to make—again, you are worth the effort and time, and there is plenty of time for sex!
