So many dreams
I mistook them for balloons
Streaming through life
Sweeping up their long curly strings in my hand
Wrapping them tight around my wrist
Pulling them down from the pale blue sky
Like cotton candy bouquets
Whenever I felt the whim
Just because I wanted to
Just because I could
It was so easy then
So much fun
I popped them
Sat on them
Pretended I was pregnant with them, tied them to chairs
Tables, my wrist and even my little brother
Then watched them magically float away
I wondered how high they could go
I wondered how high I could go.
I wondered.
I wanted to play in the clouds
So I tried
I jumped as high as I could off everything
I did back flips in gym class
Did cartwheels on ice
And sought out every trampoline I could find
Until one day I flew off my mother's bed and cracked my head open.
I wanted to fly
So I tried
I swung from the monkey bars with determination and grace
I dared the balance beam with my arms stretched out to the side
I climbed the highest ladders and slid down every slide
Until one day I ran a race and won but was disqualified
I was so excited I had walked back in someone else’s lane
I wanted to Love
And I did
I talked all night until we fell asleep
Kissed until my lips were raw
Made love my very first time and disappeared
Until one day my heart shattered
I watched him drive by that very day with another girl
I wanted to sing ~ Lisa told me my voice was too low
I wanted to be a model ~ Toni told me my nose was too wide
I wanted to act ~ I was afraid I couldn’t remember my lines
I wanted to play music ~ I broke my finger
I wanted to paint ~ Ms Mattis yelled at me because I painted outside the lines
I wanted, I wanted, I .wanted
I wanted everything!
But they told me I had to stop wanting so much
That I wanted to much
That I couldn’t have what I wanted
That you can’t have it all
That I was spoiled and selfish
To quit acting like a child
That life is hard and then you die
That money doesn’t grow on trees
That nobody gave them a break why should they give me one
There are kids starving in Africa- right now.
That it’s a cruel world out there
That your lucky if you have five true friends
That there is only ONE true love
That only 2% of the population will ever be rich
That there it’s us against them
Me against the world
To get over it
That we are going to die in 2012
Who do you think you are? They scorned as I tried to keep wanting.
I didn’t know
So naturally-
I died.
I watched my self fade into the bleak deserted future
My body hardened
My Spirit abandoned
There was nothing left but… play the game
Say yes when you mean no
Be nice to get what you need
Say anything to get what you want
Do anything to get what you can
Take anything you can get
Hang on
Don’t let go
Never say die
Never give in
Never give up
Take the money and run
Bigger is better
Fuck em if they can’t take a joke
I am laughing all the way to the bank
This is mine
That’s mine
These are yours
Those are mine
He’s mine
You’re mine
Wait…
Someone’s coming
He’s coming
Is anyone coming?
Is anyone out there?
And naturally…
I died again
And then one day I cut off my balloons
Me so tired of dying
Me want to live
Me want to celebrate
Me want to perform anyway
Me want to sing anyway
Me want to paint anyway
Me want to play anyway
Me dance ANY WAY
Me vulnerable anyway
Staying open anyway
Heart open anyway
Open anyway
Everyway
Everyday
This day
Right here
Right Now
Finally
At Last…
For my husband David on 1/30/07, and it's just gotten better since then!
September 4, 2009
