I haven't spoken to my wife in years...I didn't want to interrupt her. 

I was so ugle as a kid, that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. 

I could always tell my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a radio and a toaster. 

My wife wants to have sex in the back seat of a car, and she wants my to drive. 

If it wasn't for pick-pockets, I would never have any sex at all.

I found out that there is only one way to look thin...hang around with fat people.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years and than we met.

My wife is afraid of the dark...and then she saw saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light, too.

My psychiatrist told my I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion...and he told my I was ugly, tool

I saved a girl from being attacked last night...as I controlled myself. 

I looked up the family tree...and I found three dogs using it. 

A girl phoned me and said, "Why don't you come over...there's nobody home."  So, I went over, and there was nobody home. 

I was so poor when I was growing up...that if I were not a boy, I would not have anything to play with.

When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot...but I always managed to find them.

Some dog we've got.  We call him 'Egypt' because he leaves a pyramid in every room. 

I met the Surgeon General, and he offered me a cigarette.

We sleep in separte rooms; we have dinner apart; we have to take separate vacations; and we're doing everything to keep our marriage together.

I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling-shot.

I remember when I was kidnapped, and they cut my finger and sent it to my father, and he wanted to see more proof.

It's tough to stay married.  She kisses the dog on the lips...and she won't drink from my glass.

I come from a real tough neighborhood.  I put my hand in some cement...and felt another hand...

One year, they wanted me to be a poster boy...for birth control. 

When I was born, I was so ugly...that the doctor slapped my mother!

My mother never breast-fed me.  She told me she just wanted me as a friend.

As a kid, I had plenty of pimples.  So, much, so that one day I fell asleep in the library...and when I woke up...some blind guy was reading my face, etc.

My cousin is gay...and he went to London...only to find out the Big Ben is a clock.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.  The other day, she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was. 

I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born. 

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out for trick or treat looking like me.

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Copyright; 2011; Jerry Aragon; The Humor Doctor
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