My first acting gig.

Professor Ambrose Penwose on Cinema

Good Evening,

Last night on the tele I was reminded of my first acting gig.
To unconfuse the easily confused, I was not on the tele, my first acting gig was. Probably an early summer rerun of an overly done run, I should think…THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN.

It was a classic American western done in the Far East style of Japanese Samurai, filmed in Mexico, by Italian producers, French water, and Jewish catering.

My part started things off and set the stage for the events that followed.

American Indians of various denominations came to Mexico having heard a western was being shot and demonstrated in great numbers after realizing they had no mention in the production. I’ve always believed the bagels set them off even further.
I was on location as a symbol of good faith.
To compensate the Indians, I was added to the credits, or would have been had I been able to speak the language. I played an Indian in Mexico looking for wampum. After several takes it was obvious my English accent had no place speaking Indian.
It was determined I should be dead.
Obviously this outraged the outraged Indians.

A rewrite was rewrit and the Indians were sufficed after their lone presence in the production was transformed into a Master Scene Element.

The entire town was up in arms over me! I was dead and nobody wanted me buried on Boot Hill.
I rode inside a pine box in the back of a buckboard, and driven to my grave by the main characters.

This was a very difficult part for me. I had never played an Indian, let alone a dead one, and I was dressed in a buckskin suit, with all the bells and whistles and feathers to look authentic in the event some unforeseen factor factored and the casket opened and I fell out.

Too many takes were taken for the Director’s short fuse. It was a long ride from the town to Boot Hill. I was nervous and kept having to go to the bathroom. I suggested making things closer.
A new town was constructed a stone's throw from Boot Hill.
Production began anew.
It was Mexico. Mexico is hot. My mascara kept running.
The buckboard was discarded and I road in a pine box, INSIDE
a beautiful hearse.

A stuntman was used in my stead for scenes on Boot Hill where pallbearers carried the casket to the grave.
The rest is Motion Picture History.
I had no speaking parts and therefore no credits.

Each time I view the film I am saddened by a bit of trivia known only to myself, and those mostly dead these days.

I suggested that when “The 7” were first confronted with “The Banditos” and in heavy conversation, Eli,
(That’s what I called him, Eli…He said, “Don’t be silly, You can call me Ugly!”)
Eli should say, “So…You guys think you’re pretty good, Eh?”
And Yul, (That’s what I called him, Yul…He said, “Don’t be silly, you can call me Mister Brynner!”)
Yul should answer, “Not just good…MAGNIFICENT!”

They said they liked the line but already way beyond budget and if it was used it they would have to pay me a million dollars.
So the line was rejected.
I often wonder, with a tear in my eye, how my life would have changed had My Line been used in such a popular motion picture.
I really could have used the million dollars.
Penwose Out,
Bye George