Maybe you can be a Human Crash Test Dummy?

This was quite, an enjoyable write.
Professor Ambrose Penwose, Kiwi

As you know I teach at The University.
Presently the campus is abuzz with a new major we are offering entitled, Human Crash Test Dummy Particulars.

I have been asked to tenure the course which may be interesting and conceivably could go on indefinitely should I not participate.

Until now Crash Test Dummies have been virtually uneducated and therefore do not reflect well on most drivers who are educated at some level.

We are offering a doctorate in Human Crash Test Dummy Complexities, and the best part is, no credits are necessary for credit.

The prerequisites require very little. A grade point average of 1. No previous book learning, and no social skills. Essentially no knowledge is required, which also qualifies for a seat on the football team.

The curriculum will consist of one book basically, Test Dummies for Dummies, which is 95% pictures so students don’t even have to know how to read. As a matter of fact they don’t even have to know how to drive.

Students will learn such Test Dummy fundamentals as “Texting While Driving,” “Dialing a phone while driving,” “Drinking While Driving,” “Looking around while driving,” “Not paying attention while driving.” Those who pay attention will be asked to redo the chapter.

Being a Test Drive Dummy is the most exciting job on the planet, and surprisingly the safest. There has never been a single death with a crash dummy.

It is ideal for those with families. You only have to work 5 minutes a day. Everything is set up for you. You just belt yourself in and take off. Actually, you don’t even need to belt yourself in.
Five minutes a day…fool time and part time are the same time.

Due to government regulations which stipulate that no humans be used for testing, all drivers must wear a Crash Test Dummy Mask, which is included with the course, and also serves as an eyeball catcher.
Crash dummies were initially discovered in ancient Egypt by archeologists looking for something else, in the early turn of the century, (Not this one the last one.) They were thought to have been chariot drivers, with most perishing when Moses brought the Red Sea down upon them.

Since that time they have been relativly dormant until used sparingly in the Old West to steer stagecoaches through Indian Country, but tended to wonder off the trail and would not feed the horses.

The automobile industry began using them after the discovery of automobiles.

A Crash Test Dummy is a full-scale anthropomorphic test device (ATD) that simulates the dimensions, weight proportions and articulation of the human body.

Cadaver dummies were first used but tended to fall over. Mannequin Hybrids were generally used but had one flaw, which we have overcome. The Hybrid is a standardized data collection device that looks and weighs similar to a human, but is not.

Only a human will scream at, Time Of Impact, and skyrocket its heart rate for precise monitoring.

We intend to instruct our students on proper screaming techniques.

Human Test Crash Dummies are also of value to The Military as Manned Drone Pilots. No longer will critical attacks and covert operations have to rely on cameras and sensors that tend to become fuzzy. A Human Test Crash Drone Pilot Dummy can actually fly in the Drone and maneuver it to free-up its operator for other non hazardous activities.

Maybe you can be a Human Crash Test Dummy? It’s exciting, but not for everybody. Looks us up at The University.

Penwose Out,
By George
NoPo8