To my Xwife and all other pathetic peoples

Professor Ambrose Penwose, Kiwi

As yet another holiday season rolls around my mind is filled with jolly thoughts of past years and I must say…

To my Xwife, and all other pathetic Porch Pirates who follow delivery trucks to my door and abscond with gifts and “other things,” your efforts are annoying me more than a little bit and I would like to remind you revenge is a dish better served cold and today’s brisk breezes tend to chill the air.

It is bad enough that you dash off with my loved ones gifts meant for me, but must you unwrap them and leave the trash behind to blow all over my estate? At least have the decency to clean up after yourselves.

Please note that this year’s agendum will be different. I’ve contacted a contact on The Dark Web that sends bombs in unmarked packages similar to the adult diapers I receive on a regular basis, that nobody knows but me, and now everyone who reads this.

You will either blow yourself up or get a load of diapers, either way I’m sure is not what you bargained for.

It just occurred to me that I myself will not be able to identify the bomb and if you do not open it and blow yourself up, I may in fact do so and obliterate myself…Nevermind!

To my Xwife and all other pathetic peoples who ring my doorbell and runoff. This year I’ve connected my doorbell to 50,000 volts of direct current that will melt Jack Frost nipping at your nose.

To my Xwife and all other pathetic peoples who leave burning bags of doodoo at my door, this year I have a “gift” for you.

To my Xwife and all other pathetic peoples who toilet-paper my house, I hope you run out when you need it most.

To all others Happy Holidays!

Penwose Out,
By George
NoPo8