First Man in the New World.

Professor Penwose, Kiwi

Have you heard the story of Abu Padoo, First Man in the New World.

As a young man Abu left his beloved India and ventured to Europe to study in London, Paris, and Madrid. As luck would have it, just as his studies were finishing up he heard of an adventurer named Columbus who was sailing to his cherished homeland. He rushed to the docks and booked passage, just in the nick of time. His heart was all aflutter as he sailed off and watched Europe disappear in the distance, and dreamed of reuniting with his family.

The first few days were pleasant and uneventful and the sailor’s toying with him were no more than a minor irritation.
As he walked around the deck they would say, “Marco…Marco.”
“You’re supposed to say, Polo.”
“That’s China, you morons, I’m from India!”
Well, excuse us, Your High Ass!”

As time went by he became a bit of a nuisance, always asking for more towels, “When is somebody going to change my sheets?”

Eventually he became aware of an alarming fact he had been unaware of before, and declared it openly, “We are going the wrong way!”

He ran around the deck ranting and raving, “We are going the wrong way! We are going West…India is East!”

The sailor’s tried to ease his mind, “Columbus wants to prove the world ain’t flat.”

“Of course it’s flat, look at it!”

He became a constant pest, “We are going the wrong way! What’s for dinner? I can’t eat that! We are going the wrong way!”

It was during those days that Columbus and his crew invented the phrase, “Frank is the Mother of Invention.”

The first mate noticed the error, “No No Columbus…Not Frank, Necessity!”

“Ah, (mumble mumble,) I believe you’re right Mate…Necessity is the Mother of Invention and Necessity has mothered us to invent the first Rope and Basket Ship to Ship Nautical Transfer.

There were three ships with Columbus, and no ports to pull into, and Abu was driving his crew crazy, so Columbus had his men shoot an arrow, with a line attached, to one of the other ships and transferred Abu in a hanging basket.

Abu arrived white as ghost and was a model passenger thereafter, or so they thought. However the voyage was a long one and Abu soon became fidgety and reverted to his old self and had to be transferred to the third ship. He became the only fellow during the expedition to travel on all three vessels.

Columbus’s men were about to mutiny and he considered throwing Abu to the fishes when land was sighted, “Land Ahoy!”

“INDIA!” Yelled Abu, as he ran across the water with outstretched arms, becoming the first person to land in the New World, “I’m home!”

When the lifeboats arrived they found him sitting sadly on a rock drawing in the sand with a stick, “This does not look like India. This does not smell like India. THIS IS NOT INDIA!”

It was then that Columbus invented another phrase, “Turnabout is fair play!…Back to the ships men!”

They spun around and left him marooned. As they sailed off they could hear him yelling…
“This is not India! These are not Indians!”

And that’s the way it could have been.

Penwose out,
By George
NoPo8