What if pioneers had cellphones?

Professor Ambrose Penwose, Kiwi

Good Evening

Every now and then a notion pops into my head that I feel will be fun to write. This is such a notion.

Today we must wonder how we ever survived without cell phones. I don’t think we could anymore if they were taken away.

I am always amazed by the diehard endurance of the pioneers who withstood unbearable hardships as they came west in covered wagons.
I wonder how they might have behaved with personal transmitting and receiving devices?

Cellphones of the West

A Lady ten wagons back from the first, picks up her cellphone and tells her husband, “I’m gonna call our daughter,”…
Ringtone, ringtone, ringtone…
Hello!
Hello Pituna Honey, this is your Mother.
Mama, Where are you?
We’re halfway across Missouri
Missouri?
Yeah, I think that’s short for misery cause we’ve had a lot of it.
You’re making good time.
I know, we’ll oughta be in Californee by next year…or not?
Sorry to hear about the misery.
Well, its all because of Maggie Hoover, she stole my seat cushion and I got splinters.
Did you say Maggie Hoover?
Yes, she says she was out hunting buffalo when it was stolen.
There’s no buffalo in Missouri?
She didn’t say she found any.
Well tell her some guy with the same last name just invented a machine that sucks up dirt.
Who the hell would want to suck up dirt?
I don’t know?
Just come out here. We got dirt all over the place.
Well they say he’s gonna be rich and she might be a relative.
Tough noogies for her! I ain’t telling her.
How’s the weather?
Terrible.
How’s the food?
Terrible.
Don’t you cook?
Cook what? We rode out of squirrel country two days ago. All we have is beans and you know how they effect the atmosphere.
We were in Fort Quagmire a few days ago.
Did you see any of those little red Indians?
Yeah, they were living at the fort.
Did they scalp ya?
No, they were tame.
Tame?
Yeah, I don’t know how they tame them, but they were nice as can be, well mannered and polite. We traded for trinkets. I got you a cute little necklace. I’ll give it to you if I ever see you again, but I probably never will.
Wait a minute, there’s a fire up on a hill ahead of us, I can see smoke.
Wait a minute, the scout says its smoke signals, an Injun sign,.
Injuns?
Yeah, that’s short for Indians.
OMG! There’s a bunch of them on a butte.
A butte?
Yeah, that’s a good lookin hill.
OMG! They’re screaming and riding toward us.
You mean they’re attacking?
Ah, Yeah, I think that’s the idea. The wagon master said we have to make a circle with the wagons. I was never good at geometry. I hope we don’t stick out.
They’re riding around us.
Clockwise?
What difference does that make.
I don’t know, its all I could think of.
One of them got dizzy and fell off his horse.
OMG! Your Father has an arrow through his neck.
OMG!
I told him to keep his head down but you know how he listens. I’ll put him on speaker so you can say good bye to him.
Goodbye father
Gurgle gurgle
He doesn’t sound very good?
What part of ‘he has an arrow through his neck’ don’t you understand?
Put him on camera so I can see him.
This thing has a camera?
Yeah, it…click…(Goes to Black)
Damn! I gotta find a place to charge this thing.

That was fun!

Penwose Out,
By George
Rosebud
NoPo8