I bought a new frying pan.

I bought a new frying pan. It’s very pretty. They say it’s infused with diamonds. I doubt if there’s enough to make a small ring, but it’s nice to know if I’m ever in a pinch I can throw it in the ol wood chipper and get a few quid. It’s also nice for frying things.

I’m leery of its quality. My xwife by marriage had a diamond necklace that turned her neck green. I don’t think it was the diamonds. I think she never washed her neck?
I hope this doesn’t turn my food green. I eat eggs mostly and that would be noticeable.

I used to find it hard to be humble but this frying pan makes it unattainable
It looks delightful in the kitchen but I think I’ll hang it from a nail on the porch so everyone passing can see how classy I am to have a diamond frying pan. Maybe I’ll get a pot too?
I probably should get a better nail?

YOU HAVE MAIL!
This just in…
Got an email from Acme Self Storage…
“We have a place to store your extra stuff.”
They should have sent me that while I was married. I wouldn’t have had to put her in a nut house.

I’m thinking I should cancel the nail thing. Porch proliferaters are liable to pilfer my pan. The garbage lady will be hanging down from the roof.

I’ll just sit around and contemplate the diamonds in my frying pan,
the gold crowns on my teeth, and the titanium in my hip.

I tried to find out if titanium is worth more than gold. The Swami said, No, gold's about $24 a gram, titanium is only about $5 a gram,
and crackers are about 7cents a gram…but you have to buy a whole box, which still comes to only $3.99 at Trader Joe’s.

My Uncle Clyde came over. He’s a bit of an eccentric. He thought he was invisible until somebody saw him. Then he thought he was bulletproof until somebody shot him…

Just a moment, I got a text…
It’s Uncle Clyde. He said he just got a heart attack. He fell down and he can’t get up. He called 911. When they came to get him they couldn’t find him…proving he’s invisible after all. He’s such a kidder. Now he thinks he’s dead.

Anyway, while he was here I asked him how many frying pans I‘d have to buy to be worth something? He said that diamonds do no lose their value no matter how many times you fry them, but I should be careful…although diamonds are a girl’s best friend, a frying pan given as a gift is more likely to be used as a weapon. He suggested I get it appraised.

You’d think people never saw someone walking down the street with a frying pan before. They are so weird.

I soon found myself at The Mall. Just down the hallway was ZALES, The Diamond Store! They would know what it’s worth.

I walked in and told them I wanted to get my frying pan appraised. They called security.
The mall cop acted like I stole it. I showed him my Walmart receipt and he backed off.
“You can’t get a frying pan like this at The Mall.”

They released me on my own recognizance. I need to start carrying a dictionary.

Penwose Out,
By George
NoPo8