I won a free DNA test

Ancestors
I won a free diagnosis at one of those ancestor sites. They said the free DNA test was a basic scan and not as good as the premier package. I told them I was Quid Pro Quo and they’d only get what I paid for. I’m just a basic fellow at heart.

They sent me a kit. It contained a cotton swab. I peed on the end of it and the cotton turned yellow. I do not know what that meant, other than maybe my ancestors were Chinese. I sent it to “The Lab” for free diagnosis.

They sent it back in an envelope with another one, and a nasty note saying, “READ THE INSTRUCTIONS!”

I read the instructions.
I was supposed to put the swab in my mouth and gather some saliva.

I wasn’t sticking that dirty stick in my mouth!
I tried to spit on it. After several tries I found out I do not spit with controlled accuracy. I am not a good spitter. It was disgusting. The floor was getting wet and my mouth was getting dry.
I held my nose and put the swab in my mouth.
It did not turn colors. I had No Idea what that meant.
I sent it off to The Laboratory.

The results came back when they did.

They told me one of my ancestors lived in the Wild Wild West and was famous, but unknown.
They said he was the man who caught, the man who shot, Liberty Valance.
I was impressed until I rented the movie and found out he caught the wrong guy. I was going to inform the sheriff, but he was dead. In fact everybody from the movie is dead, except my ancestor, but nobody knows who he is, so what’s the point?

Another ancestor they discovered is known as, The Man Who Met Davy Crockett. He was selling bean burritoes, and doggie doors, at an abandoned fruit stand at Possum Belly Lake in East West Texas, just short of Waterhole #3. He was the only person that Crockett and his men met on their long ride from Tennessee to Texas. They had no idea what a doggie door was but bought up all the burritoes and were spitting bean bones all over the place when my ancestor uttered these infamous words, “Don’t Mess With Texas.”
I’m thinking he invented that phrase and I should get something for it.

The Tennessians loved it. That became their Battle Cry until someone forgot the Alamo. Actually they ate so many burritos they almost didn’t get in the Alamo, but Davy promised they’d all stand in the back.

That’s all the note said. I guess its true you can’t get something for nothing. I’ll always wonder who my ancestors might have been if I’d have sent them some money?

Penwose Out,
By George
NoPo8