In love with love...I know that feeling...

I've been accused of that lately and it has bothered me a great deal.
First of all...I'll admit to being a romantic. I can remember, very well, how being in love used to feel. I recall walking on air and being aglow with this inner warmth that compelled my mind to wonder when I should have been more focused on my job, or driving...or just whatever the hell I was supposed to be focused upon.
I've missed that feeling a great deal.
Could it be that I just miss the feeling...the sense of 'being in love with love'?
NO!!!
I've been without that side of love for many, many years and have conditioned myself to be happy being without. I have survived with the love of my children and my friends. This kind of love is a dedicated love that brings security without the desires and passions that are aroused with the true r love.
The emotion that one has for friends and family is one of quality while the one of true r passions and desire is for the one I love. You are committed to the family unit and if you are a good person then you are just as committed to your friends.
Then what of the past love that isn't here and never quite made the bed..so to speak...but stays under your skin and crawls out now and then to let you know, had it gone further; you wouldn't be here with the scar tissue as proof that it existed. Like the fine scalpel that carved wonderful initials into your heart, lacked the closure and for some reason if they returned you wonder. You just wonder if you could maintain. Then you push up the reason why you left with the horrow and the terror they put you through. Then your compassion attempts to justify the passion that explodes to make you want to get back in touch...but you won't. Something tells you that isn't what love is supposed to be. I mean the one-sided kind.
Isn't this love ... true r love, the sort that is sad...is never quite requited and the sort that goes on to inspire the great romance novels ...the kind that makes you tear-up at movies and, now and then, tugs at your heart strings with that gut-wrenching ache that stays with you forever...then peeks out whenever the heart strings are tweaked?
Now it's my turn to feel this particular 'ache' for someone I can't have...won't allow myself to have.
I suppose love can turn on you...perhaps 'get even' for being neglected...who knows!
I feel an ache...deep inside...for a great loss... a sadness of never a positive closure of any kind.
Is this a symptom of 'being in love with love'?
My God..what a wonderful man, well...sometimes. I have been alone so long that I asked myself if that's the problem. Is this why I care so deeply?
It's a proven fact that the mind tends to remember the good things and builds up that dream even more.
No!! I have seen so many men with a lack of true desires of honesty and forthrightness. Most will lie or embellish their attributes, then bend over backwards to 'seem' to want to give you the world, when all they truly desire is to get you in bed, conquer the hard to get, then move on. It's an adventure for most and they haven't an ounce of compassion for you afterwards. I have not been the victim here but have been a witness and was there for woman that have suffered to listen.
Augh!!! The power of true love...makes some hearts sing and others weep.
Isn't this being 'in love with love'?
Isn't love supposed to be based upon happiness and harmony?
I'll surely give it my best shot...but I rather doubt it.
Is it love to feel jealousy when I don't?
Is it love not to be selfish and just think of one's self?
...And isn't the history books full of these loves or the sort that fought wars over love and made it through while others die on the battlefield, with the last dying whisper being greater with the heart?
Now, granted, this is a bit dramatic, but...well, you get the point.
My true love is the one I will always wonder about. The one that will stay with me on those lonely and cold nights...but most of all...he will be the one all the others will have to be judged against.
For right now,I want to dream the way he is...in my mind and hope he'll find me one of these days.
Is this being 'in love with love or is this a true r sense, the unconditional love.
Love is the kind that freezes his image in your mind and beats that extra beat in your heart
Isn't this love...passion?
Honest love allows you to walk out the door , make adjustments to your life so everything measures equally.
I find it hard to close the door to my heart.
Is it love to be blessed with a friendship that is one with my soul and given so easily without the hard feelings of merely being a challenge to be conquered?
Now how do I live without?
I know that love is to give of yourself freely and to put your faith and desires into the others hands for safe-keeping.
I realize that love is to be understanding and compassionate for the others' feelings and needs.
I recall that love is the desire to please another over one's self and having the ability to laugh as well as cry with the other.
I have missed all this.
There just isn't a happy medium here. Someone will win and someone will lose.
I've never pictured myself as a loser but perhaps this is one of life's humbling lessons in self-esteem.
I'm not settling for secomds again.
I walked out th door from the love I thought was true . In my heart it was. With my wisdom it wasn't.
If this is being In love with love...then why can't I control this emptiness...now that he's gone?

© 2006 Susan Kathryn de Vegter