I know this is an issue that really plagues our society, so I thought I would share my knowledge.

 

**HOW TO ATTRACT WILD ANIMALS** I know this is an issue that really plagues our society, so I thought I would share my knowledge. When trying to get a wild animal to come up to you, remember that it's scared of you. Even if it has the capacity to chew your limbs off and leave you in a spurting heap, it doesn't instinctively want to get close to a human. So...you need a lure. In my vast experience, I've discovered that all mammals like cream-filled cookies. The sugar and cream combo make them go wild. I've used cfcs successfully on raccoons, lungur apes, those monkeys in India with the red butts and hideous faces, quatamundi, mongeese (gooses?), skunks, possums, wolves, coyotes, and the cute marmot-type things in Tibet. I'm telling you, it works, it works, it works. You go out in the jungle with cream-filled cookies, and you get mobbed like a rock star. I should warn you that some of the aforementioned furry friends bite. If you feed 10 raccoons, nine will be nice, but one of them will be a biter. The biters generally growl first, so you can spot them and throw them their cookies a few feet away. When I was in cost rica, I fed 27 quatamundi at once, and only one of them was a biter. I have never been bitten by a wolf, coyote, possum or squirrel, but mongeese (gooses?) bite like a *î$er!! It's a shame, because they're so cuuuute! If you find it necessary to feed a mongoose, make sure you bring a bandaid. Lungur apes are huge, but they're so gentle you can feed them right in their mouth like a baby. But the red-butt monkeys are mean. They seem to like me (cookie chick), but I've seen them take a chunk of flesh out of a couple of people, and it wasn't pretty. One other small warning: If you take a box of cookies into the jungle, ants will be on you like fiends before you even get the bag open. I've found a brilliant solution: salt. Just bring a carton of salt, and pour a circle of it on the ground big enough for you to sit inside. Leave a small opening in the circle, and put a cookie outside the opening about a foot. All the ants inside the circle will run to the cookie, and when they do, you close up the circle with more salt. You can now sit in the circle and be totally protected. Ants won't cross the salt line. Then just sit there with you cookies, and wait for furry friends to arrive. Another insect hint. If you're in India or Tibet and you've got bedbugs, don't fret. Just take your pallet outside and sprinkle sugar on top. Then walk several feet away. All the bedbugs will come out of the bed to eat the sugar. Then birds will show up to eat the bugs. In twenty minutes, you've got a fresh, clean bed (unless the birds pooped on it, but hey, you can wipe that off and stick a sheet over it.) I learned that trick from a Saint. Saints are so smart.  That's all for now. Tune in for the next episode the to find out how to deal with scorpion bites...