I walked the dusty roads and byways, I travelled round the world and back again. Did I once dream eternity yet here I am centuries on walking dusty roads and byways?

The Eternity Angel
It mattered little in the end; my fate, I realised to my dismay, was preordained more than three thousand years ago and for every century I plod through I age but one year more. Oddly or not depending on your view, it wasn’t anything I had done or otherwise failed to do, it was simply something I had said that inexorably led to an end I had not foreseen. Though in all fairness we all know, not even eternity is set in stone; we know that, we just don’t talk about it.
What I said, what actually singled me out and brought me tumbling down was an abstraction expressed in words, foolish of me to even think, let alone say out loud. I realise that now, but then we are all wise in hindsight are we not. Not that it will do me any good, hardly a defence you might say and of course you would be right and annoyingly justified to say that. So what exactly did I say, what crime did I commit. Bear with me and I will tell you, besides there is little point in hiding it. Once you set words free, once you let them fly, no one knows where they go and of course you can never, never call them back. You can’t say oops sorry about that, not when you’re in the angel game not when you only age a year for every century you live, not when in the beginning you give your oath sworn word, your unbreakable promise. Elevation to the angel game is a hard won thing, it’s not a matter of birth it’s far more profound, but I expect you already know that.
My crime was a crime of words; something I said convinced others that I had broken my promise. I could say it isn’t fair but we all know when you get right down to it there’s precious little fairness to be found in this world or the next. Sad but true and there’s an end to it. Not that I’m complaining you understand, well not exactly. Truth is it all happened so fast, a spur of the moment thing and I was done and dusted in the blink of an eye. Sometimes eternity is a road too far and you just know you’re not going to make it. I’m not usually this verbose, mostly I’m more your intense tunnel visioned get the job done. Leastways I was these past three thousand years or so. Truth is I obeyed every whim every command without question, and yet for all there were times when I doubted the wisdom behind more than just a few of the more bizarre commands, I went on to complete every task with verve and diligence because that’s what I do and I’ve been doing it for more than three thousand years. Sometimes stray thoughts skitter around inside my head but I never take much notice and eventually they just fade away. Sometimes though I get odd thoughts that are like questions, I never posited the question so of course I gave no answer, though I did wonder now and again where the question came from and who exactly was asking it because it certainly wasn’t I. Anyway I served diligently for three thousand years or so and the first time I spoke out, that is to say the first time I verbalised an odd thought or two that jumped inside my head and had me opening my mouth before I realised what I was doing, I’m cast off like a foul garment, chained like a dog and thrown down. I broke the chains without too much trouble but there was no way back, I just kept on falling.
I never thought it would be this way maybe I never thought much at all, but that’s about how it was. I fell for a long time. I thought maybe I will fall forever. Sometimes I was hot sometimes I was cold. I could smell burning and the smelt of iron. I fell through old forgotten words and questions and tattered dreams I couldn’t recall dreaming. Not that It matters, maybe it never did. Maybe it was all just some kind of horrible mistake a maybe this or maybe that kind of thing. I don’t know I doubt I ever will. As for what I said, as for the words that condemned me, well it wasn’t much, leastways I didn’t think so but as it turned out it was enough and more than enough a million times over. Like I said sometimes eternity is a far road we travel, sometimes up sometimes down, with a now and then bit of peace and maybe a glow in between.
What I said before I realised I was actually saying anything other than just contemplating an odd thought was --- what is my soul if it be not I --- what bones do I throw what truth do I hide --- what light do I carry to the other side. When I greet death, I exclaimed loudly, how might I die --- with a groaning tear in a breathy sigh or I almost shouted --- might I not muster splendid grace and dignity and like an ancient banner streaming in the wind carry my soul to the other side and when I return, I thundered, and then said in a soft whispery voice --- and when I return what is my soul if it be not I, can you tell me that now I asked --- what is my soul if it be not I.
No one answered, no one said a word, and in all that awful silence I stood slack jawed and trembling. Did I just say that I asked myself? Did those words come out of my mouth?
Now here I am wandering the very world where once upon a long time ago I went about my tasks.
I walked the dusty roads and byways, I travelled round the world and back again. Did I once dream eternity yet here I am centuries on walking dusty roads and byways? For a while I tried to be a shadow in darkness sowing discord, fermenting wars between short lived men who claimed to speak for and lead nations. They died in their millions of millions. Pestilence and hunger, drought and flood but it did no good. In time they grew strong and killed each other all over again in the name of somebody I never met in eternity. Centuries passed and I was no good at it don’t you know. A shadow in darkness, it just wasn’t me. So I stood by the side of the road like an old worn out ghost watching people go by. Mostly No one can see me standing in the sun in rain and wind and winter snow, but every now and again a traveller would pass by and glance in my direction with a puzzled look in their eye. Now you see me now you don’t, and I’m just going to stand here and watch people pass by until eternity is done and it sweeps me away like stardust and starts all over again.
Time drifted by. Around me the world changed and changed again. Humankind reached the stars and all the killing in the name of somebody I never met in eternity along with power, greed, hate and envy pretty much withered away. Humankind touched eternity and wondered how their ancestors could ever have been that way. Nothing much changed for me. I had nowhere to go and forever to get there.
And then one day an old man walked out of a passing crowd. He walked right up to me like he could see me, a crooked old man with bright blue eyes and a smile on his face you just wouldn’t believe. He beamed like the sun, like a solitary star in a black sky, like the moon when it’s full. A crooked old man of grace and dignity of compassion and — was that love I sensed in his heart. He said in a soft warm voice that none the less held a command in it, “Move,” he said. “Go find a crossroad, choose a direction and keep on going and maybe one day you’ll find you way home.” He stepped back looked up at me and said, “If you give up, if you don’t look, if you don’t try, if all you do is make excuses for reason why you just stand by the side of the road like an old worn out ghost watching the world go by. Better to fail,” he said, “than never try.” And then he winked out damned if he didn’t like he’d never been. “Touch eternity,” a voice belled inside my head, “reach out and try,” the fading voice said.
When I fell I lost something, a sort of shiningness I’d gotten so used to I didn’t even know it was there until it was gone.
I can’t return to eternity. I’m not sure I want to I said to myself as I moved along. Only; I’m not sure anymore. I walk dusty roads and byways. Now you see me now you don’t. But if you try, if you look I’ll reach out and help as best I can. Maybe there’s a kind of redemption waiting for me somewhere. Maybe no one is lost forever. Maybe I just have to try and start over again because if I don’t I’m jus an old worn out ghost standing by the side of the road watching people pass by. Only a soul can know where a soul might go; only a soul can find its way home. I heard that in eternity. Is it true ? I don’t know but I’m going to find out. Maybe I’ll never get there. It’s a long road don’t you know. Maybe I’ll never find my way home. But I’ve got eternity to go and that might just be a bridge too far. A forlorn hope you might say but now I’m on the move again hope shines like a glowing lamp as I realised what you need to know is never written down, it is found within because what is my soul if it be not I.