Read everything you write aloud before sending it off to an editor. Listen carefully. Very often, what we write and what we hear have completely different connotations.
Read the following sentences.
Michael’s lips drooped and pouted with disappointment when his team lost.
Angela threw up her hands in defeat when the results were announced.
Bob’s surprise was evident! His eyes darted from face-to-face to see just who was at his surprise birthday party.
The bride wept, tears splattering the reception hall with the joy she felt.
Her eyes swept the room as she stepped through the door.
The detective scanned everything in the room before moving down the hall to the next room.
Now read the same sentences out loud.
Michael’s lips drooped and pouted with disappointment when his team lost. ( Michael’s lips can droop, but they can’t pout.) Better: Michael’s lips drooped as he pouted with disappointment when his team lost.
Angela threw up her hands in defeat when the results were announced. ( Aloud, you hear that Angela threw up her hands. Makes one wonder why she consumed her hands in the first place.) Better: Angela lifted her hands in a gesture of defeat when the results were announced.
His eyes darted from face-to-face to see just who was at his surprise birthday party. (Can you just picture a pair of eyes bouncing off people’s faces?) Better: His gaze shifted from face-to-face to see who was at his surprise birthday party.
The Bride wept, tears splattering the reception hall with the joy she felt. (Wow! This bride could shed tears with the power of a fire hose.) Better: At the reception, the bride wept from the joy she felt.
Her eyes swept the room as she walked through the door. (Makes you wonder what her hands and ears were doing while her eyes were busy sweeping and she passed through the door.) Better: She looked around the room as she walked in the door.
The detective scanned everything in the room before leaving. (While this sentence might pass an editor’s scrutiny, the newer double meaning of this word comes into play. It does offer a picture of the detective using a computer scanner as well as looking at everything.) Better: The detective observed everything in the room before leaving.
Here are a few more examples.
Bill’s chin dropped to the floor in utter shock when his long lost war buddy walked in the door. (Self-explanatory. If his chin dropped…so did the rest of him.)
The teacher gave ‘A’s to everyone in the class. (‘A’ grades)
The congregation fell on their knees. (The congregation knelt.) (It’s hard to believe that many people could fall and land on their knees.)
Martha hissed and spewed poison every time she opened her mouth. (You would assume that Martha is a python instead of a mean-spirited woman.) Better: Like a python, Martha hissed and spewed poison every time she opened her mouth. Using metaphors or similes allows more leeway with exaggerated descriptive sentences since comparisons are being made to other things.
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Reviewed by Pam Crompton (Reader)
Reviewed on August 30, 2002
Easily missed during a hasty proofread, and grammar check wouldn't be of any use. Thank you for the examples.
Reviewed by Masarat Daud (Reader)
Reviewed on August 10, 2002
Good write Carol. I often end up writing sentences and later reading them to just tell myself "Gosh this doesn't make sense!". We all need to proof-read everything and read it aloud coz that's when the words hit us. Using metaphors is definitely a wise choice.
hmmm. makes me wonder about my own writing! now i will have to go back and maybe do a little adjusting because some of my sentences may sound flawed or look weird!! LOL still, i enjoyed this thought-provoking article. thanks for opening my eyes!! love, your friend from texas, karen lynn. (((HUGS)))
Great examples! It's easy to miscommunicate, especially in print where we often take license to try and spruce up a sentence. // Fine writing and great advice!
