BY

 

PASSION FLOWER, PhD

 

&

 

COUNTESS BETTINA HOTTOTROT

 

     As we write this, we are comfortably ensconced on the terrace of the Countess’ castle overlooking the Bavarian Alps. Hans the butler has just served us rich hot chocolate laced with aged brandy. Being the generous persons we are, not to mention that one of us is an aristocrat, we have decided to share our publishing secrets with you, our dear fellow writers.

 

     Between us, we’ve written 1001 books, one of which has been published. Below is our foolproof system, which we’ve dubbed THE PROCESS, for getting your books published:

 

PROCESS #1: Toss all shame and pride. You want to get published, not make friends.

 

PROCESS #2: Print 2,000 copies of your synopsis. Go to conferences. Stalk editors and agents. Follow them into the bathroom if you have to. Force copies of your synopsis on them. Once they read your flowing prose, they’ll thank you for your forcefulness and clamor to publish you and represent you. If one or two get restraining orders out on you, ignore them. They don’t recognize genius when they see it.

 

PROCESS #3: Invite an editor to your critique group. Tell her a New York Times bestselling romance author (whatever author you want) is part of your critique group. Ply the editor with wine so she won’t notice said author is not there.

 

PROCESS #4: Purchase all books written by the top two New York Times bestselling romance authors. This is your biggest monetary investment. For each six or seven line paragraph you write, insert the third or fourth line of each of the bestselling author’s books, running consecutively through their bodies of work. Before you know it, you will have written a 300-page book. A guaranteed best seller!

 

PROCESS #5: When submitting your manuscripts electronically, copy all editors you want to submit to in one email. This will save you lots of time. Why wait for a rejection before submitting to another publisher? Such a waste of your valuable writing time. Don’t bother to blind copy the email. Let those editors know that they’d better sign you before one of the other editors on the list grabs your magnificent work.

 

PROCESS #6: If you submit by snail mail, send an interoffice memo with your submission. Instruct the editors to pass your manuscript to the next editor on the list. This will save you hundreds of dollars in postage and ensure that your manuscript is read by as many editors a possible. Do this with agents also.

 

PROCESS #7: Two months after submitting your manuscript, call the editor of your choice. Advise her that your computer had a virus and all your emails were lost. Also, the Post Office advised you that your mail was stolen. You need her to resend your contract ASAP as Oprah has scheduled you for an interview. The editor will be so impressed by the Oprah interview and so discombobulated to think she may have forgotten to mail your contract that she’ll send it right away.

 

Follow THE PROCESS and you will be published.

 

Dr. Flower is the author of the definitive tome on human sexuality: “You Want It-He Wants It-So What’s the Problem?”

 

Countess Hottotrot, the author of over 1,000 romance novels, is the great-granddaughter of romance doyenne, Lady Muffy St. Muffin.