In my poems I use my knowledge and experience as a doctor, psychiatrist, mother, grandmother and ‘being me’.

I wrote this poem on behalf of very young children who cannot speak for themselves.

Why was I born?

Why was I born when no one has love for me all day?

What purpose? What decision? What game does someone play?

I am not an adult. My day, another chooses

But when I do not feel love

I am the one who loses

I shall learn not to care. I shall not even cry

I shall look quite happy, and never have to try

But, I am not an adult. I have no rights. I cannot talk

No one will ever know

The path I have to walk

I will ask a question. Were you alone and sad?

Left with strangers when very young?

Yet had done nothing bad?

Though I am not an adult, I know just what I need

It seems that no one cares enough

And neither do you heed

What will I do I wonder? I cannot my anguish say

Maybe to love is hard work, but there is no other way

I have heard life is expensive, but love cannot be bought

How shall I learn how to live?

When I came here with naught?

Would it be different if I had brought jewels, money, wealth?

Would you love me then or still offer only ‘food for health’?

Do I ask for too much when no answers I can gain?

I want to feel love, but instead I have

A deep and nagging pain?

Poem is Copyright©ACoatesworth 2009 from the book 'Daily Life' by Audrey Coatesworth

I was a psychiatrist for over 35 yrs. I worked in the psychotherapy field with traumatised individuals. I write from knowledge and experience. I am becoming increasingly bemused and concerned.

What has happened that the smallest, most vulnerable members of our society can be placed, by those who love them, in a potentially damaging environment and no one seems to bat an eye-lid? Everyone seems to believe that ‘being fed and kept clean’ in a clean environment with pleasant people, equals adequate child care. These are essential physical needs, but I am writing about the potential emotional damage that can result from isolation from loved ones and feeling lost when very tiny.

(I am fully aware that some children are served better by society by being removed from cruel parents and being fostered or adopted.)

I increasingly wonder, ‘Why do so many women/couples bother to have children when they do not want to care for them and would rather pay someone else to fulfil that role?’

The reality is that contraception is better and more effective now that ever before. The fact that the poorest developing nations are denied access to this facility en masse or that some religions deny its use is a different matter altogether and indicates a totally different agenda which has nothing to do with humanity. Women should not be bodies to be used by men nor their children the result of lust with no caring, means of support or nourishment.

But, no longer do sensible and responsible couples or single young people in developed countries need to restrict their sexual activities if they do not want to have a child nor  do they need to have a child if that child is going to be too big a burden on their emotional or financial resources or affect their career prospects.  In countries with the use of contraception there should be both responsibility and choice.

A child is not ‘for Christmas, but for life’! A child is not a status symbol. A child is not a pet or ‘someone who will look after them in old age.’ A child is a gift, a privilege and a responsibility.

Why do women/couples go down this route when, to my mind, the most important task of their lives, i.e. caring for their own child, is blatantly not what they want to do?

I have heard all the arguments about career, finances, mortgage payments etc, who hasn’t? But, life is about prioritising. About deciding what is most important during the earliest years of a child’s life – e.g. for many the choice is being with the child or having a bigger house, the child or holidays abroad, the child or furthering of a career?

I am against all-day nursery care for all children, large nurseries, and in particular nursery care for the under two and a half year olds. Adults have restricted work hours, yet there are NO restrictions on the hours that ‘a child can be cared for away from home’ per week. Some go, as tiny tots, from 7 am to 7 pm, five days per week. Children are ‘alert’, in a state of watchfulness when they are away from a familiar home - it’s their equivalence of going to work, but added to this is their lack of awareness of their situation, who people are, or to know where they are in relation to their home.

But it is not the poorest who are choosing the ‘all-day nursery’ or ‘care for the under two years of age’ option.

Many couples are looking for nursery placement for their baby before he/she is even born. Why, or how, can, a woman hand over a very young baby, as young as 4-6 weeks, to a nursery? Not all feel anguish but a sense of relief. It is slowly becoming the expected and accepted route through ‘motherhood’, a previously cherished state that is being gradually and irrevocably eroded. There are more ‘rules’ for puppies than for babies.

The ‘first’ duty of a mother, with a career or not, is to make sure that care for their baby is as near a ‘one-to-one’ relationship as is possible in the first two - three years, either by herself, the father, or by one or two others  e.g. grandparents, who do or can love the child. This is now being discarded by many and that task is being given to someone else ‘trained’ to do this work – someone who has no emotional connection or attachment to the child.

By all means, let a grandma look after a grandchild if that grandma wishes to do so. Let a father be the main carer if that is agreed between both parents, let a trusted friend or nanny look after the baby at home, or in a very small ‘nursery’ environment if one/or other parent cannot possibly, for any reason at all, stay at home. Situations may dictate and this may have to be the choice. The child only ‘asks’ for 2-3 years of ‘dedicated’ time.

Nursery placement, in small, cosy, nurseries after the age of two and a half years or three years for a few hours per day is beneficial for learning, and emotional and social development.  Nurseries for the very young can be beneficial if the mother goes to the nursery for support or education regarding childcare and stays with the child.

Handing over babies– often as young as 4-6 weeks, and toddlers - under two years of age, for full time day-care in large nurseries, is happening to a lot of children. This is not just because of money problems or paying mortgages, but in many cases for careers and even ‘out of boredom’ with the daily caring of the child etc.

It is time that mothers/parents stop thinking ‘what can I do for me’, and revert back to when former generations of women asked themselves, ‘what does my baby need?’ The first answer is ‘a baby needs to feel love,’ How? By being frequently cuddled and gently talked to. Besides receiving the physical needs, a baby needs someone who cares enough to recognise what a cry ‘means’ -  e.g. hunger or ‘wind’ or ‘I feel lonely’ or ‘I just want my mum’, or ‘I want to sleep’, and respond accordingly. He/she needs care by one or two people who he/she learns to know, trust and eventually love. He/she needs to learn where ‘home’ is – in the full sense of the word.

The baby ‘knows’ the mother from the time in the womb – she is or should be the natural ‘giver’ of love for her baby and no amount of emancipation/women’s lib/ important career prospects/or government providing nurseries can alter that fact.

The time for creating a strong, inner core feeling is during those first few years. That feeling will govern the rest of the child’s life.  That is the importance of the ‘hidden’ emotional development of a child.

Governments could organise longer maternity breaks, and part time or flexible work for women with children could be the rule rather than the exception. They could make sure careers can be continued, ensure mortgage extensions or reduced payments for a few years and such like quite easily. This would not be a waste of money and the benefits for children and on the future society would be immense. A society will be strong if its core is love for its children but not if its core is the love of money.

However, it is called ‘having priorities’- individual and governmental.

It is time that the ‘role of motherhood’ is not only accepted again by women who want/have children but also time for that role to be given back the value and respect which it deserves. If motherhood is chosen, then the responsibility of motherhood should be accepted as part of that choice and its full meaning understood.

Copyright - Audrey Coatesworth