When our children reach age 10, they begin to realize that we aren't invincible. How do we keep their respect and teach them all they need to know for the future?

     Respect starts in the cradle.  Parents are the big, powerful people and the infants are in awe of us.  Preschoolers think Dad knows everything.  They are convinced that Mom has eyes in the back of her head.  We begin with a size advantage that lasts only a few short years.  I've seen many wee children whose parents are in terror of being embarrassed.  These kids have diminished the advantage of size psychologically. Get some guts, adults!  At the very least, tell yourself, "I'm bigger and smarter.  I can figure out the right thing to do in this situation.  No four year old is the boss of me."

If we are firm with the 3-year-old tantrums, in charge of the 5-year old sibling conflicts, we have a good start on maintaining respectful relationships with our children for life.  On the other hand, if you say, "I can't make him behave in church/ restaurants/ grocery stores"  you have sadly missed the best equipment in parental toolboxes. Your approval!  Your child should desire your approval.  You must not yearn for hers.   You have waved the white flag too early in the game.  And you've forgotten that teaching your child self-control is the first step in teaching her to achieve anything.

     Why is respect so important? Without respect, there are no firm lines.  Everything is open to debate.  In constructing a safe atmosphere for families, schools, and community, mutual respect keeps us from violating each other.  It stops us from harming ourselves.  It opens the way for love and responsibility.  
 

Ask yourself these questions: 

     Do I respect myself?  My spouse?  My child? Have I taught my children to respect authority?  Do I have a respectful relationship with an awesome God?  You will need to have these ducks in a row as you begin the pre-teen years if you want to maintain respect between you and your offspring.  This is no time for a mid-life crisis!  This is no time to fool around with a new main squeeze.  Age 10-15 is crunch time for kids.  If you're divorced, align with your ex as much as possible at this moment and spend the time raising your kids.  If you're married, keep the romance strong and don't let the children divide and conquer. 

     Younger children naturally adore parents.  Older teens age 16 and up begin to connect consequences and respond to reasoning.  At the unstable, wet-cement ages of 10-15, children struggle with their own identity and values. Hormones run amuck, peers are ruthless.  Our children need firm, loving, well-adjusted parents demonstrating the fulfilled life.  If that's not you, get there!  Fake it!  Read some books, attend a seminar, put your career or love life on auto-pilot, and tend those children. Their whole future depends on it.  And while the mantra of our generation is, "All You Need is Love," respect may be even more important.  Give and get respect from your kids, and love will be the finished product.

     My own kids, age 24, 19, and 17, are great about pin-pointing the weaknesses in me.  At age 15 for each of them, we experienced the crucible of family relationships.  (Do the math--that means my life is just now getting back to pleasant and calm after 9 years of crazy!)  They each wanted to know:

"Do you really practice what you preach?"

"Why should I listen to you?  Are you all that happy, anyway?"

"Do you and Dad genuinely love each other?"

"Can you make me get in on time?  What happens if I don't?"

"Is someone in control besides me?  Because I feel like I'm in control, and it makes me really insecure."  

     There are several important things to remember when our children are in this stage.  One is that they are forming a distinct idea about who they are versus who you are. I remember taking my homeschooled daughter with me to my workplace for several months.  At first, she told everyone, "I'm nothing like my mom.  Do you think we even look alike?"

Eventually, she was asking, "Can you tell that my mom's eyes and hands and fingernails are just like mine?"  By that time, we had worked out a lot of issues just by proximity. 

Another notable idea is that your kids may not like any approach you take, so just go ahead and base decisions on your own principles.  Don't ever make family choices just to "make her happy."  Happiness is as fleeting as the latest hit movie.  The more timeless your principles, the more lasting the fruit of them. 
The older your children are, the more time you should spend articulating your policies and reasoning.  But when they are young, you must speak to their hearts.  Model love for God by reading the Bible and praying with reverence and joy.  Speak kindly to one another. But don't debate with them, at any age.  They must never think that there is a power contest, and if they befuddle you with words, they win.  Stick to issues.  Is 12:00 AM too late to stay out?  Then it doesn't matter if your child emotionally cries, "You don't trust me!" Flexibility may be in order, but only in response to circumstance.  Not pleading or emotional blackmail. 

Do you want them to say, "Yes, ma'am,"  and "no, sir"?  Then Mom and Dad must address each other this way.  You surely don't expect them to pick this up from peers, although Granma will harp when they show no manners. Manners during daily life are so crucial. 

Here are some of my patent parent answers.  Feel free to use them liberally.  I do not guarantee that they work all the time for any child, but I'm sure you can improvise! 

"Don't you trust me?"
"Of course not, you're a teenager."

"C'mon, Mom, I'm your son."
"It's the situation I really don't trust--the late time, the other drivers on the road."

 "Everyone else has more freedom than me."
"Can you give me the telephone numbers of all your friends' parents?  I would like to take a poll."

"When am I going to be allowed to make my own decisions?"
The answer to this one depends on the issue.  If you're discussing whether to get a permanent tattoo, they should be old enough--and self-supporting--to deal with the consequences.  Some people frown on tattooed employees.
If they prefer pizza every meal, that's okay if they have vegetables on weekends.  (My husband adamantly disagrees with me on this.)


"It's just hair.  Why should I cut/ groom/ clean it?"
Because we may love you regardless of how you look and smell, but I would like strangers to regard you with respect. 
(We let our kids choose style unless it gets too long for them to read homework.)
"I really disagree with Dad, and I know you do, too, on this issue."
That may be true , but the Bible puts me under his authority and you under me.  Therefore, we've discussed this, and I agreed to go his way this time. He feels very strongly, and it's more important to be in harmony that for one of us to get our way. 

Conflict feels all-bad at the time it occurs.  Just remember that you are teaching your children the skills of negotiation and compromise and pleasing other people.  In other words, how to hold a job or keep a family of their own.

I know so many people who allow their murky past to cloud their parenting skills.  They feel ambiguous about their qualification to parent.  Nonsense!  Use your common sense, and don't let your kids go through the same school of hard knocks that bruised you up so badly.  Offer them some knee pads.