My dad was a guy. My son is a guy. My husband is an alpha male, not one bit of feminity in his makeup. This book gave illumination into them as well as my coworkers. This is helpful, because I frequently feel I could cope better if I understood the rules of this alien species.
And you know what's so baffling? I like men. I've had positive experiences with men, studied and contemplated them, and yet don't know why they get ticked off or unresponsive, especially at work. Well, I found some of the answers here.
You will too, even if you're a male wondering why women at work feel rejected...or take offense...or go off on a tangent when they should focus in and elucidate.
Did you know...
When women offer emotional support, men hear criticism?
When men here a gentle "no," they interpret it as a sign to try again?
Specific examples are given about the way each gender communicates, and what the listener hears. This was really a revelation to me. And yet the insights connected well with my experiences, so I have to concur that Gray is onto something.
For instance, a woman wants to talk to a man about a negative behavior. She says, "How could you do that?" He hears, "You are incompetent." What she really should have said is, "I don't like...."
Her attempt to ask in that format throws him off.
Also, Gray says that anytime a woman lets anger, fustration, worry, or urgency come into her voice, it totally messes guys up. So if we are trying to accomplish something work-oriented, I conclude, it would be better to shut off our emotions and think which actions will get us where we want to go.
On the other hand, if a guy is having to deal with a lot of women and he doesn't get all the nuances, he needs to know that women work through frustration by talking through those emotions. He will be further ahead if he lets them speak, listening without judging or trying to fix things.
Another miscommunication occurs when females try to get males to take on a project or responsibility.
If you want a man to take on a project, you have to use specific teminology. If you ask, "Could you do such and such?," their answer indicates their capability, not their willingless to do it. If you want a guy to do something, the author recommend asking, "Would you commit to doing this?" and then waiting for a response. If he says, "Yes, I will," he has made a committment. He is not merely stating his skill level, but is choosing an act of will.
I learned a lot from reading this book. I'm remembering a discussion at my job last summer that disintergrated as we talked about appropriate clothes in the workplace. Within minutes, the women were mad and offended and ready to revolt. I understand guyspeak enough to know that the males involved never meant it to get messy and personal. In fact, to this day, they still think it was a little funny while the females grit their teeth and fume.
Does all that sound familiar, with your own workplace variations?
Get the book. Better yet, buy it for your boss.
