The Backyard Gourmet grills breakfast.

Welcome to Unintentional Farm. No, it isn't really a farm and it's located just two miles from City Hall. This is where I live in Central Florida in a log cabin made of 41 cabbage palm logs cut down from the banks of the Hillsborough River back in 1942. There's a brick chimney leading from a coral fireplace, the floor is concrete, the ceiling corrugated tin. It's a one-room affair with the bathroom divided from the rest of the place by a wooden privacy fence and a kitchen area sporting bamboo poles holding up the dried palm fronds which make up the tiki bar. The place is full of antiques--the oldest thing being the carved fossilized mastodon rib I found in the backyard, but most of the stuff is from the late American eighteen hundreds up through the late 1940's.

As I mentioned, the kitchen area is a tiki bar containing a small refrigerator, cabinet space beneath an 8'x4' countertop, a water cooler, and a cast iron safe made around the time William Bonny was keepin' an eye out for 'em. No stove. Oh, there's a large microwave atop the 'fridge with a 2' poseable statue of Frankenstein behind it wearing a beaded necklace with a small wooden surfboard pendant, but other than that no range, no oven, no toaster oven, no George Foreman grill.

There was a small gas stove at one time I referred to as the "decorative stove" because it only got used twice ever to make scrambled eggs. It had been converted to propane so we could switch off the tank we use on the gas grill outside, and that was such a hassle it was just easier to cook out there instead. Behind the cabin is a tiki hut with dual sinks with hot and cold running water, a nice CD stereo system and small color TV, lighted ceiling fan, two charcoal water smokers and our rather impressive gas grill.

"No fair, Eddie!" you might be saying. "How am I supposed to become a backyard gourmet when all I have is a grocery store hibachi or home improvement center kettle grill or anything besides a high-dollar gas grill big enough to shove an entire boar in?" Let me tell ya how we got the grill. Somebody goes to Sears and lays down $1500 for a high-tech gas grill. The next day they return it claiming it was damaged when they bought it--there's a dent in one of the metal doors beneath the grill, there's a knob missing from one of the burner controls. Minor stuff. I'm guessing this guy needed a big grill for a party, then damaged it himself afterward just so he could get his money back. Sears takes it back and gets ready to throw it away. It's gonna sit in the Dumpster until the trash guys come pick it up. We say, "Whoa! Hold on there! You're gonna throw that entire $1500 grill away?" They say yup like they do it all the time (and probably do). We ask if we can buy it. They say they're not supposed to do that, but also mention they'd better not see us rummaging through their garbage later on. We insist we want it. They point out it's damaged and there's no warranty, no guarantees of any kind, no instruction manual...nothin'. We say okay. They ask us for $15. That's not a typo. We got a monster sized gourmet gas grill for fifteen dollars at Sears. Now go find a friend that works at a similar place and have 'em keep an eye out on a similar deal for you.

While gas is commonly recognized as the cooking medium of choice for nearly all famous cooks and chefs, I don't like it. I grew up with electric burners, so that's what I'm most familiar with. Despite the fact they claim natural gas and propane is odorless and flavorless, I can taste the difference between foods cooked in a gas oven and foods cooked via electricity. I can't stand the smell when someone's using a gas oven indoors. But since we no longer have an electric stove, I've become rather proficient at making my way around charcoal and propane.

Another point I'd like to make out before we begin is that a wonderful woman by the name of Fannie Farmer got fed up with the old-time measuring style of knobs of this and pinches of that and created the measuring standards of cooking we all recognize today. Suddenly, a housewife in Minnesota could exactly replicate a recipe for lemon curd she'd tried in a restaurant in Philadelphia because the ingredients were laid out before her in precise measurements. How nice. I'm pretty sure Fannie would enjoy my cooking if she was alive today, but if she saw how I cook, she'd probably kick my butt right out of the tiki hut. I'm a strong believer in experimentation in the kitchen and precise measurements mean absolutely nothing to me. They're just general guidelines for how to make something somebody else thinks is delicious, but I might prefer myself with a tad more garlic, less pepper and the addition of a nice imported water buffalo mozzarella. When I make dishes I don't like for other people, I follow the recipe exactly. When I cook for myself, it's anything goes, and I'm well known for making bizarre but delicious substitutions when I don't have a particular ingredient on hand. Okay...ready go?

The majority of people in America under the age of thirty don't care to cook and only know about ten recipes by heart (including spaghetti, meatloaf, hard boiled eggs, salad and toast). While restaurant food and pre-packaged and instant foods are great time savers, food cooked at home is healthier, cheaper, and most dishes I make take less than half an hour from prep time to on my plate--about the same amount of time it takes you to wait for a pizza to arrive, or for you to drive to a restaurant, get seated, enjoy water before you order, then finally get your food. Because cooking is a dying art, it has risen to elevated levels of artistry with more emphasis than ever before on presentation, aromatics, and ease of preparation. It is being fine tuned for the finest palettes. Lucky is the guy or girl who nowadays finds a potential mate who is also a bit of a true gourmet.

For our first backyard meal, you will need the following items or their equivalent. A gas grill with burner (no gas grill? Just use the indoor range--I won't tell), several containers to hold raw foods, a sharp knife, clean cutting board, butter knife, fork, spatula, large tray (if you're toting stuff outdoors), oven mitt, a number 8 cast iron skillet and a number 5 cast iron skillet (or a large album-sized oven-proof frying pan and a small 45-sized one...yes, I know this reference is from the days before CDs). What are we making anyhow? A simple sausage, mushroom, asparagus frittata with fried potatoes and grilled toast. Simple? Extremely. Follow me...

The ingredients:
FRITTATA...8 large brown eggs (brown eggs have naturally less cholesterol than white ones--don't know why), .5 lb. sliced white mushrooms, .5 lb. asparagus tips, .5 lb. bulk style sage sausage, 1 T butter, salt and pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, celery seed, chili powder, parsley flakes, 1 c milk, .5 lb. pepper jack cheese, .25 lb. sharp New York cheddar, chipotle and jalapeno flavored Tabasco sauces.

Cut the semi-frozen sausage into smallish chunks easy to brown and break apart in the large skillet. Place in the skillet with the butter and set aside. Trim the ends of the asparagus, then cut into 2" pieces and set aside with the mushrooms. I shouldn't have to tell you to wash your veggies or fungi. Pre slice your block cheeses into bite-sized bits. Blend your eggs with your milk with your fork.

Preheat gas grill (or oven) low (about 200 degrees F)Set the skillet over medium heat and break up the sausage to brown it, making sure to smear some of the cooking meat and butter around the high edges of your skillet to grease it. When very little red or pink remains, throw in your asparagus and mushrooms and stir-fry about 2 minutes until the mushrooms begin to look glossy and slightly darker and the asparagus becomes tender-crisp with a vivid green color. Give your eggs one more whisking with the fork, then dump over everything in the skillet. Season the top with the dry spices--no measurements here, just use caution with hotter spices and salt because too much is worse than not enough. Keep watch on the frittata, using the spatula to keep scraping around the outermost edges as it cooks and begins to set. Do not stir like scrambled eggs. When the outer edges seem fairly firm but the center is still pretty liquidy, place entire skillet on grill and cover. If you're using a fying pan, oven-proof means there's nothing on it that will melt in an oven like a nylon handle--this happens. Be wary. Check the frittata every few minutes, still loosening the edges from the sides with the spatula until the center begins to appear firm and drier. Arrange cheese on top and keep baking. When frittata begins to bubble on top, it is done. You're welcome to enjoy it runnier of course. Set aside several minutes, dot with Tabascos, then cut in wedges for serving. It's easier to cut as it cools. This recipe makes enough for four hearty portions, but leftovers can be refrigerated and warmed later as they are or served on toast like a sandwich.

FRIED POTATOES...4 small potatoes (don't peel them--the bulk of a potato's vitamins are in the skin!),2 eggs, 2 T butter, all the same spices listed for the frittata above (seasoning side dishes similarly to the main course helps harmonize the meal).

Slice potatoes thin, then stack and slice down through them to make crude julienne-style or shoestring cuts. Cut as thick or thin as you like. Smaller, thinner cuts of vegetables cook faster than thicker, chunkier cuts. Set in microwave safe container with enough water to cover and nuke high 5 minutes. Any time you fry potatoes for hash browns or French fries, partial boiling will make them tender. Drain off water. Add two eggs. Heat butter in smaller skillet over medium. Add potatoes. I cooked mine right after I set my frittata on the grill to bake. Stir occasionally. Season with the dry spices. Make sure you lift all the potatoes from the center of the pan and turn them each time you stir to keep them from burning. Cook to desired doneness--some like soft white potatoes, and others like crispy brown edged ones. The egg will help bind the potatoes a little and also compliments the frittata. This is not a potato cake recipe--these spuds are loose. Be sure to serve with salt and pepper on the side to suit anyone else's tastes. This recipe makes two nice-sized portions.

GRILLED TOAST...for each person, take two slices of a nice Italian loaf and butter both sides. While frittata is baking, set bread on raised "bun-rack" on grill. Turn occasionally, and if it starts getting too brown, move toward the cooler end of the grill or remove and keep covered with a towel or linen cloth to hold in heat.

All recipes are flexible. The frittata idea came from me scouring websites for a basic recipe, mixing the ideas several people had for it, then adding whatever toppings I liked. The basic frittata I like to make consists of sauteing the ingredients beforehand, dumping the eggs on top, then baking. Wow. Easy. The hash browns were an experiment since I didn't feel like making potato cakes and don't own a grater or shredder, and toast is...well, toast.

Our cast iron came from an antique shop. Fewer people than ever use it regularly because they're afraid of ruining it because they don't understand how to "season" it properly. I know the proper seasoning technique with a brand new piece of cast iron or a hand-hammered wok is to throroughly clean and scour the cooking surface, then add cooking oil and heat it. You don't have to do that much if you don't want to. Oil mainly just keeps rust at bay. I have a number of oddball knives I've collected over the years which require oiling after use, too. Because they don't need to be heated, I know the cast iron and woks don't either. Use a sturdy spatula or coarse steel or mesh plastic wool to get the burnt texture off the cooking surface after use. Use water if you like, but not soap! I know...it's kinda yucky. No soap to clean with. And me a germaphobe! You don't have to make the metal shiny--just loosen all the burnt-on particles. Dry the metal very carefully with a paper towel, then drizzle cooking oil in the pan. Wipe with paper towels until fairly dry and the paper looks pretty clean when you're done wiping. A brown towel means you didn't scour it very well. Because we keep our cast iron outdoors, I oil the entire surface, and I also rinse it out before use.

With woks, the idea is to eventually end up with a gorgeous black patina. I prefer a clean-looking wok, so I occasionally make dead Chinese chefs roll over in their graves by making a nice tomato sauce or big pot of chili in mine. The acid from the tomatoes eats all the blackness away. Cooking in cast iron or a hand-hammered wok can increase the iron content of your food four times over! Be sure to smear the cooking surface with oil again after every use.

You could easily create this meal indoors with a toaster and a regular oven and stove, but when entertaining, guests will find your expertise with the grill fascinating, so be sure to have seats around so they can watch and chatter. When I entertain, my guests always arrive early enough to see how everything's made. It becomes a performance, and I enjoy answering questions as I go.

Try to use the freshest food available and clean it first--I even rinse all my meats briefly. Prepare all raw foods ahead of time so by the time you're cooking, that's all you're doing and not trying to chop something up or hunt something down while dinner's burning. Keep all utensils and your work station clean. Take proper care of your tools. Season lightly when cooking, then add more when you're finished or near finished to suit your taste. Never let raw or cooked foods sit around at room temperature more than an hour or so if they're susceptible to spoilage or bacterial growth. Clean up immediately and freeze or refrigerate any unused portions in tightly sealed containers.

For me, cooking food is equally as enjoyable as eating it. I control portions and flavors and ingredients so I know how healthy for me and fresh things are. I love eating out, but I've had more gastric problems with restaurant chow than I ever had with home-cooked goodness. I wish you fun and success with your backyard or standard indoor kitchen cookin'. 'til I write Part Two, good appetite, and remember to share everything good you do.

Ciao!