Are you putting it off? Do you need a colonoscopy? Let me help you end your fears. Ask your Doctor about a Cologuard test.

Many people are afraid to have a colonoscopy; it's unpleasant to say the least. No one wants to deal with shit so I thought I'd talk about my recent experience. Here it is in a nutshell: The first thing you have to do is see a doctor that deals with your asshole; if he's a guy, check out his finger to make sure it's professional. If it's good-looking woman, who gives a shit. Next, go to the drugstore. They give you(well, you buy it) a 1 gallon plastic bottle with a powdered mixture in it. You add a flavor packet that has no real flavor and fill it with water to the fill line. Then you refrigerate it overnight so that the drink, if you can call it that, is cold. At the exact designated time to begin your evacuation procedure, and I don't mean fire drill, you will consume, whether you like it or not, and you won't, an 8 ounce glass of said liquid every 15 minutes until that huge bottle is empty. Expect this to put you through hell for four hours. You will be shitting often and you will be feeling a bit sissified since you will be pissing out of your ass until there's nothing left. The day before the procedure, you will only be allowed to consume the "drink"along with clear liquids like water, weak tea, weak coffee, apple juice and Jell-O, only lemon or lime or orange. After 12 midnight the day of the procedure, you will drink and eat absolutely nothing until after the procedure is complete. Expect to shit once more before the procedure, preferably in the bathroom and not on the floor of the operating room. Hold on, relax, the procedure is painless, I assure you. I slept through whole thing. The worst thing is that gallon of stuff, and stuff is being kind. May I suggest that you drink each glass like you were chugging a great beer, you should never chug a great beer. And you do have to wear one of those pink or blue gowns that open in the back. Before I forget, they will give you anesthesia and if you're lucky, it will be administered by beautiful girl(mine was). Whatever you do, don't let her rub the hair on your arm too long because she thinks it's soft and curly, you know, anything can happen when you have that gown on since you're not sedated yet. I had to tell the girl to stop rubbing my arm hair, even though I didn't want her to stop. The needle she held in her other hand was about 6 inches long but I didn't give a shit. After the procedure- 1) You cannot drive after this operation, make sure there is someone there to take you home. 2) Expect to feel rather lethargic or as though you weigh 600 pounds. 3) You will experience abnormally loud forceful farting (that was fun) afterward. 4) Be careful you don't shit yourself during # (3). I did, just a little. 5) Eat like a horse when you're done. You deserve it. You'll shit like a racehorse later. Shitting-You will shit out about 2 pounds before the procedure. It's a tough way to lose 2 pounds but... Shit happens. Be sure to thank the staff and the doctor when it's all over. Why? Because it's a shitty job, but someone has to do it. I hope this description of a colonoscopy has allayed your fears. And if you're lucky, you won't have to undergo another one for the next five or 10 years. Who knows, maybe by then you won't have to drink any shitty liquid or even go to the doctor's office. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ All kidding aside, ask your Doctor about Cologuard.Colon cancer is a treatable form of cancer when detected early, but many at-risk adults fail to get screened. A new study looked at a highly accurate new test (a Cologuard) that may change that.