Tine continues to pass. Each day turns into a week, weeks turn into a month, and now more than five months have passed since I lost my sweetheart.  I thought I might miss him less as time passes, but that isn’t true because with each passing day, I miss him more.   Every day I experience something alone that I am accustomed to doing with him beside me.

This morning I went to breakfast, alone again, but with determination to learn to do all these things alone.   But when I sat down at my place at the table, he isn’t there in the chair next to me.  I miss his smile, his gentle ways and I miss watching him eat, slowly and carefully, one fork at a time, never gulping it down as I do.    He could always keep an interesting conversation going with our tablemates and me.  He was a special person who sat at the table with me, but I’m sad to say I didn’t appreciate him enough.  But I can truthfully say, I always loved having him with me, and I than k God for this man who has lived with me 66 years.  I loved him so very much, and I know he love me the same way.  I believe with all my heart it was meant for us to spend our lives together.

Yesterday I went down to the foyer to listen to the organ music we have here at the retirement center every two weeks.  We enjoyed this beautiful music together but now with each song played, I miss him sitting here beside me, humming along together, and wishing we could get up and dance.  As each tune played, I miss comparing notes with him about some we sand together and a lot we danced together to.  We tapped our toes together and clapped our hands as we sat there together.  Yesterday I sat there alone.

Last week I went to the VA to have my fasting blood check.  Since I had to go without breakfast, after my blood draw, I went over to the canteen to have breakfast.  But I had to go through the cafeteria alone, pay for my own food and then sit down at a table by myself.  These kinds of things I haven’t done alone for so long, and it hits me right in the middle of my heart.  Why didn’t I ever train for this?  I think because we always refused to believe one of us would go before the other.

Everyone tells me time will heal my terrible feelings of loss, but right now I don’t understand how it can unless I can somehow forget just a few of the good times we had together. I don’t want to forget them. I don’t know if I will ever completely heal from this loss of the sweetest man on earth.

So it goes, day after day, we said “Good Morning, honey”, the minute we awoke in the morning.  He isn’t there when I wake up anymore.  When I have to go shopping, he can’t drive me anymore and patiently wait for me while I shop.  He did it so many times. I can’t just walk out

 to our own car and go home when I’m ready.  The worst part is I can’t have him with me.

As everyone tells me, it will get better as time passes, and I hope this desolate feeling will leave me soon.  If you have a partner in your life you love, appreciate him or her with everything you can do to show him you do.   It’s later than you think.

The End