I just wasn’t suitable, according to her father. I struggled to prove myself worthy and get some respect.  That’s why I joined the police force and then the Army. I was constantly trying to improve myself. I volunteered for anything and everything. I took risks to prove myself. The problem was those risks took me farther away from the young man she knew. I worked primarily undercover mixing with all strata of society, but I was just acting; I never belonged. I rubbed elbows with entertainers and politicians, crooks and cops in almost 50 different countries.
I learned about the seamier side of life both that in the gutter and that on Mount Olympus. I got to see behind the curtain. I was proud that I was in a small way protecting those at home, even though sometimes they wouldn’t understand or condone the actions I had to take. It took its toll on me both physically and mentally.
After a forced retirement the real me is still developing, I have become a paranoid lazy slob. I enjoy a slower almost sedentary pace. I have eclectic tastes in music. I read dictionaries for enjoyment. I talk to my dogs more than people. Over the years I have become more introverted, more judgmental and more of a procrastinator.
When we were dating I was more of a county boy, today I still have no idea what I am. In striving to prove myself as worthy I seem to have lost myself. I have been in multiple situations where I should have died and yet I survived but each time I lost more of myself. My dreams now or I should say my nightmares remind me of my stupidity and my recklessness.
As for the girl, after a couple of false starts it seems as if she has found happiness. She has traveled some, she has struggled and overcome.  She has raised a family. It appears she made the right choice all those years ago, but that doesn’t stop the “what if’s”.