The Tested Leadership Model – When Scripture Says That Love Covers Sins, Does This Mean That a Believer Should Mind Their Own Business?

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The Tested Leadership Model – When Scripture Says That Love Covers Sins, Does This Mean That a Believer Should Mind Their Own Business?

Forgiveness as to how we, as believers, should address the sins of others is often simplified.

Matthew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

I think for some of us, we’d translate this verse as pertaining to forgiveness. If I was to sin against someone, I’d like them to treat me in the same way if the shoe was on the other foot. In what way? Simply forgive me for what I’ve done and forget about it. This sound right, right? Whatever wrong they’ve done; God will deal with them concerning it. This would even include those in leadership.

Well, as we’ve learned if we want to know more about any topic, we need to search the Scriptures and find out what they have to say. Let’s begin by going to the book of 1 Peter.



1 Peter 4:8

And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.

We, believers, are to have fervent charity among ourselves, which means we’re to have an intense and eager love that gives itself to one another. This love, which is God’s love produced in the saint’s heart through the Holy Spirit, will cover a multitude of sins.

What does the word cover mean? One definition in Koine Greek, which seems to be prevalent in many churches today, is this one, i.e., to hide the sin of others and not spread it abroad. This rending would seem to be appropriate in this sense, i.e., to excuse and lessen, as far as [it’s] consistent with truth, the transgressions of men.18



Does this suggest that the offended believer should disregard what happened to them and leave the matter to God?

The key to understanding this definition are the words, as far as it’s consistent with the truth. The truth of what? Could it be the truth of context as it pertains to the transgressions of men? The meaning of the covering of sins would be based on what the verse in question along with those going before or coming after it are about.

With that said, let’s find out more about this topic by turning in your Bibles to the book of James.



James 5:19-20

19 Brethren, if any of you do err from the truth, and one convert him;

On occasion, when a fellow believer or someone in leadership do err (strays away) from expressing the form of truth in their habits of thoughts and modes of living, someone in the assembly who’s aware of their sinful behavior will hopefully approach them to provide help so that they might turn from their wrong direction.

20 Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins.

If the erring believer can move ahead on the path toward spiritual maturity when they’re converteth (caused to turn) from the error of his way (their inappropriate manner of life), then the result would be that their soul would be saved (delivered) from the death (misery) arising from sin, and the multitude of sins they were engaged in shall be hidden (forgiven) by God the Father.

In this instance, a fellow believer has become aware of sin in another believer’s life. The focus is on helping them turn from their inappropriate manner of life.

Another aspect of love covering sin can be found in the book of Galatians.



Galatians 6:1

Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

If a fellow believer or someone in leadership has been overtaken (caught firsthand) sinning, then the idea being expressed is to restore them. This word can have two meanings. It could be used for someone, who may be brought back into the right way by correction, or to equip someone to live the Christian life the right way.19 What should be communicated to them is that their behavior is ungodly and unbecoming of a Christian. However, if they admit guilt, hopefully, they’ll be instructed to be equipped so they won’t repeat this sinful behavior over and over again. The idea of equipping means that they’re provided with pertinent Scriptures that proclaim God’s mindset for them to appropriate and apply when this weakness rears its ugly head.

We have one more section of Scriptures to look at. Please go to the book of 1 Corinthians.



Suggested Reading; 1 Corinthians 5:1-13

1-2 It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father's wife. And ye are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he that hath done this deed might be taken away from among you.

7 Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened. For even Christ our passover is sacrificed for us:

A believer has been engaged in a sexual relationship with his stepmother. Apparently, this sinful action is well known throughout the church congregation. To the Apostle Paul’s surprise, no one has stepped up to deal with this. He recommends that he be removed from the fellowship for a period of time. In this instance, the covering or hiding of sins isn’t the protocol.

Now we can formulate another quality of this leadership model.



The Tested Leadership Model Characteristic

Covering a believer’s sin, which could refer to a fellow believer or of someone in leadership, doesn’t mean that a brother or sister in the Lord who has firsthand knowledge of such, should mind their own business. The erring Christian should be approached with the intent to provide correction and spiritual recovery. If they repent, then the matter is closed and it shouldn’t be broadcast to others.(James. 5:19-20: Galatians 6:1)

However, if the sin was widely known by the church assembly, then a different approach would be taken, i.e., it would be addressed immediately before those in the assembly who were appointed to judge the matter. (1 Corinthians 5:1-13)



The Mandated Leadership Model Response - Rebuttal

Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.

When we’re privy to the sins of those in leadership, we should covereth (conceal) them, and not tell anyone else about them. We can pray to God that he’ll help them address this area of infidelity. If we expose them to others, then we’re guilty of judging and will subsequently receive divine discipline. Here’s another verse that is used to support this narrative.



1 Peter 4:15

But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men's matters.

The words busybody in other men’s matters means that believers shouldn’t be meddling with other people’s concerns.20 This would include the sins of fellow believers and leaders in the church.

As I was ready to configure another chapter that would present to us another question that would help us uncover a different aspect of the tested leadership model, I googled a phrase, “confusion about forgiveness.” What came up was an article that was written by a Christian woman about abuse, i.e., spiritual abuse concerning forgiveness.

This has to do with the application of Scripture by church leadership in respect to how they would describe a Christian woman should respond when she’s being abused by her husband. The presentation was quite intense as well as captivating. I could sense a longing for her to tell her story from a biblical perspective that at times isn’t the case from the pulpit in this regard. I’ve left this for you to read and contemplate.



LIES ABOUT FORGIVENESS: UNRAVELING SPIRITUAL ABUSE AND LIES ABUSED CHRISTIAN WOMEN STRUGGLE WITH– PART FOUR

[“You have to forgive him because God forgave you. He said he was sorry. You need to forgive him and put the hurt behind you. You’re just being bitter. It’s a sin to be angry- you need to forgive.]

Over and over, I hear women’s stories of being accused of being unforgiving when they try to get help with covert psychological and emotional abuse. I was accused of [it,] too. It’s a disorienting, scary, confusing, heartbreaking experience to realize that the man [you’re] married to is abusing you. Every woman who faces this goes through tons of normal human emotions - fear, betrayal, anxiety, shock, anger, grief, and more.

And then here comes the spiritual abuse:

When [we’re angry at being abused, which is a healthy reaction, we’re] accused of being unforgiving and bitter. When we know our abuser’s apologies aren’t real, [we’re] accused of being unforgiving and having a hard heart. When we do [what’s right for us, such as separate or divorce, we’re] accused of being unforgiving and unloving.

All too often, rather than supporting us, our advisors and friends create a landmine of [accusations] that adds to our betrayal and heaps condemnation on us. When we hear these accusations, we get incredibly confused and start condemning ourselves. We WANT to be Godly, to be forgiving, and to be loving. Those who accuse us are asking us to give up our own safety and sanity to be a “good Christian” because they don’t understand what forgiveness really means in the [Bible]. Thankfully God doesn’t ask us to do that.

[So, let’s look at what forgiveness means] and the lies we’ve been told about it…



DIFFERENT BIBLICAL MEANINGS OF THE WORD “FORGIVENESS”

What the [Bible] teaches about forgiveness is complex. If you look at forgiveness throughout [all of [Scripture, it looks as if the Bible] contradicts itself. For instance, in Mt 18:15-20, Jesus says those who refuse to repent are to be excommunicated, yet in Mt 18:21-35, he tells his disciples to forgive over and over. In Col 3:13 and Mk 11:25, it seems [we’re] to forgive without qualification, yet in Luke 17:3, forgiveness is contingent on the offender’s repentance.

God differentiates between those who sin in [ignorance] and the wolves whose intention and motive is to harm another. [We’re] to treat these types of people differently. In addition, there are different types of forgiveness. As Steven Tracy explains in his book, [Mending the Soul,] there’s judicial forgiveness, psychological forgiveness, and relational forgiveness.

●Judicial forgiveness is the pardoning of sin by God. It requires true repentance on the sinner’s part. It’s hindered when abusers [aren’t] held accountable and not given consequences that will compel them to repent [(if they choose to)] and when reconciliation is forced.

●Psychological forgiveness is the inner, personal, individual aspect of forgiveness by the person who was harmed. It involves letting go of hatred and revenge, but it doesn’t mean denying the pain. It also can involve extending grace to the offender, but for an abuse victim with an unrepentant husband, this grace can take the form of prayer for his repentance. It requires no relationship.

“Forgiveness is letting go of my right to hurt another person for hurting me.” — Steven [Tracy.]

●Relational forgiveness is synonymous with reconciliation. Most often, an abused wife can’t offer relational forgiveness because her abuser refuses to genuinely repent. “Many abusers [can’t] be given relational forgiveness for they refuse to do the painful work of repentance. We must not soften Jesus’ words in Luke 17:3 ‘If your [brothers’] sins, rebuke him; and IF he repents, forgive him.’” — Steven Tracy



YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE HIM BECAUSE JESUS FORGAVE YOU

I was told to show him grace and forgive him because Jesus forgave me.

[Covert] Abuse Survivor

This sounds so holy. It sounds so right, and how can you argue against being like [Jesus?]

When people tell us we need to forgive, [they’re] usually saying we need to:

●act like nothing happened

●trust him again

●pretend he’s someone he isn’t

●give him [one thousand] more chances



But that’s not what forgiveness is.

[They’re] also saying we need to forgive and forget after every offense. This doesn’t work in an abusive marriage. Nor is it supported in the rest of [Scripture] where, for example, in 1 Cor 5, Paul told the church [not to] associate with an unrepentant sinner. When we’re told to forgive our husbands for ongoing abuse and oppression, [we’re] being told to live a lie, ignore sin, and continue to be harmed.



YOU NEED TO FORGIVE HIM AND PUT THE HURT BEHIND YOU FOR THE SAKE OF THE MARRIAGE

I was told to get over it already and let it go. Covert Abuse Survivor

This is a wonderful way to handle the common offenses that happen in a healthy marriage where both spouses are trying to love another. But it’s dangerous advice for an abused [woman] and keeps her in the abuse for years and years. When there’s an ongoing pattern of abusive behavior, forgiveness is not the appropriate response. Boundaries that protect you from further harm is the healthy response. There can be no relationship where there’s no genuine change of behavior.

If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. (Luke 17:3)

[We’re often pressured to forgive and even reconcile] when we know in our gut that our husband hasn’t changed. [We’re] being forced to not trust in ourselves, to deny what we know to be true , and to give up our ability to care for ourselves and keep ourselves emotionally safe.

When [we’re told to forgive over and over] we not only get harmed over and over, but [we’re] experiencing the moral injury of being forced to do something that goes against our God-given sense of righteousness and justice. It’s not unforgiving to stand against wickedness. In fact, [there’s a biblical] time to withhold forgiveness, as seen in 1 Cor 5:2-5 and Mt 18:17, in order to protect others and to help the offender come to repentance.



HE APOLOGIZED SO YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE HIM

Covert abusers are very skilled at appearing as [nice guys, feigning repentance and sorrow, and pretending to be good Christians]. Unfortunately, pastors and church members are ignorant of these tricks and fall for them. This leads them to blame the victim for holding “unforgiveness” and to pressure her to try again.

“Offenders are [experts] at manipulating people in order to justify their abuse… as well as to maintain control…. Offenders often apologize in order to minimize the abuse, be forgiven… and gain sympathy.” — Hilary Eldridge and Jenny [Still.]

The abuser’s pretense of sorrow causes intense confusion in us because we want to believe he means it. [We’re being wise when we ignore words and apologize entirely] and remember that all abusers fake being sorry as another tactic to retain control over us and to get others to pressure us to stay. “We’ve made it more important to forgive abusers than protect victims.”



HE SAID HE WAS SORRY SO THAT MEANS HE’S REPENTED

God defines repentance for [us,] and it means an entire change of perspective­­– a complete change of heart that leads to a changing of all abusive ways. God doesn’t look at [words] but at the heart. He doesn’t want us to be fooled by fake sorrow and repentance. No one can apologize their way out of being an abuser.

Some abusers offer “heartfelt” apologies with tears. I once got a [fifteen] page letter of apologies that never led to any real change. Many abusers will offer apologies that are just more [blame-shifting] (“I’m sorry if that upset you”). Either way, an apology is completely meaningless. Abusers’ apologies are just one more variation of their ongoing manipulation.

“He [hasn’t] done the hard work of long-term therapy to root out deeper issues …. He now moves from person to person, to any listening ear, sharing about his ‘brokenness’ and ‘sin’ in seemingly a repentant package only to groom his listeners into empathy and trust for the sake of (…wait for it….) the grand finale – a seemingly innocent, reluctant, but calculated swipe at his wife – for her impatience with him, for her raging anger, for her unforgiveness, for not willing to engage him.... I see this happen time and again.” — [Chuck DeGroat.]

True repentance is brokenness and humility, not manipulation. It takes a long time–years–to see if an abuser has actually changed, yet Christians are quick to believe that change can happen in days and weeks. Tragically, when an abuser pretends to change, everybody celebrates, but when the victim changes and sets boundaries, everybody criticizes her and feels sympathy for the abuser.



HE SAID HE WAS SORRY, SO YOU NEED TO FORGIVE HIM AND TRUST HIM AGAIN

People say this when [they’re] pressuring us to make our marriage work (as if we [can’t] do that on our own). They believe that if he says “[sorry],” and we still don’t trust him, it’s our fault. They believe that an apology must be met with forgiveness and trust.

“Biblical forgiveness is never unconditional and one-sided. [It’s not letting others get off scot-free], ‘forgiven,’ and enabled to do harm again without any consequence. Instead, forgiveness is an invitation to reconciliation, not the blind, cheap granting of it.” — Dan [Allender.]

Forgiveness never demands reconciliation and trust. That comes only if the abuser has shown true change and has proven [they’re] trustworthy. This is incredibly rare among abusers.

“In asking for forgiveness, offenders are typically seeking relational forgiveness (reconciliation), but the abuser’s mere request for this is often re-abusive.” — Hilary Eldridge and Jenny [Still.]



YOU ARE JUST BITTER, DON’T LET A ROOT OF BITTERNESS TAKE YOU OVER

I was accused of having a “root of bitterness” when I was stating the facts of the abuse. Covert Abuse Survivor

Telling someone that [you’re being abused isn’t being bitter;] it’s simply speaking the truth. Throughout the Bible, we see people feeling grief and bitterness over loss and pain. God created us with these [emotions,] and it’s healthy to feel them.

When [we realize] that our husband is psychologically and emotionally abusing us, it’s a huge, [life-shattering] loss. We have so much to grieve. When we’re told we’re just bitter, we’re being asked to deny this natural human process. It’s not [a] sin to feel the bitterness of grief.

There’s another point about the “root of bitterness” that I want to bring up because it’s so enlightening and fascinating. I thank Rebecca Davis and her book [Untwisting the Scriptures] for her insights. The root of bitterness in Heb 12:15 [isn’t some deep sin in your heart at all–it’s] a self-exalting, charming person in a congregation that leads others away from Christ. You can read more about this here: The Root of Bitterness in Hebrews Isn’t [Unforgiveness.]



IT’S UNGODLY TO BE ANGRY, SO YOU BETTER FORGIVE

In your anger, do not sin. (Eph 4:26) [NIV]

We’ve been told that it’s ungodly to feel anger, but God got angry at wicked people throughout the Bible, and Jesus got angry at the Pharisees. Just look at Jesus with his whips. After making a whip out of cords, he drove everyone out of the temple with their sheep and oxen. He also poured out the money changers’ coins and overturned the tables. (Jn 2:15)

Anger is an indicator that something is wrong and needs to change, and it can be a righteous, empowering emotion. God created us to get angry when evil is being perpetrated against us or others, just as [He’s] angry about it. It’s ungodly NOT to be righteously angry at the things that make God angry, such as wickedness, injustice, and oppression. Those who accuse abused women of being angry or bitter are silencing the victim and spiritually abusing them. And those who accuse a woman [who’s seeking justice that she’s just out for revenge don’t] understand God’s desire for justice for the oppressed.

Anger is a normal part of the grief process as we face being abused and losing our family, our husband, and our [lives] as we know it. We need to honor it to heal. Obviously, we need to process our anger in appropriate, healing ways rather than taking it out on those around us or, as we more often do, taking it out on ourselves.



DO YOU NEED TO FORGIVE TO HEAL?

Although [we’re] told we need to forgive for our own healing, there doesn’t seem to be any connection in the Bible between forgiving someone and our own emotional healing. What people usually mean is that we need to release bitterness and anger. But in the [Bible, we’re] shown that the grief of bitterness and anger is released, not through forgiveness, but through lamenting (in modern [language,] it’s called feeling and processing our pain.) Lamenting is messy. When people want us to forgive to “heal,” they usually want us to put a lid on our emotions and act as though [we’re] healed without really going through the long process of healing. When we’ve been covertly abused, it can take time to unravel the nuances of the abuse we’ve experienced and to heal.

Does the act of [saying, “I forgive you for abusing me for twenty] years” bring healing? It may bring relief for some, but it won’t bring complete healing in an instant. Does that mean you shouldn’t say that? No, if it will help, then by all [means,] do it. My healing came with months of crying and honoring my anger, being loved in my pain by God, [counseling,] and EMDR, turning my desire for revenge over to God, and many, many other things I did, day after day, for years. Healing is a long, winding, personal road we journey with God. Let Him lead you.



WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

●Forgetting

●Accepting

●Denying

●Justifying

●Minimizing

●Tolerating

●Discounting

●Rationalizing



Remember:

If an abuser says he’s sorry, that’s no reason to trust him. Apologies and repentance are not the same thing. True repentance involves a long process of real change. Trust needs to be earned, not blindly [given] and is unrelated to forgiveness.

We can forgive without being in a relationship with that person. Forgiveness of an abuser is letting go of your desire for revenge. Seeking justice is what God wants for us and [doesn’t] come from a desire for revenge.

Forgiveness is between you and God, led by His Spirit, and [shouldn’t] be forced upon you by anyone. Forgiveness [isn’t] the same as releasing anger and bitterness. These need to be grieved to heal. Healing is not a one-time event arrived at through [“forgiveness”] but an ongoing process.

“There are less [than one hundred fifty] occurrences of the word forgive in the Bible. There are over [five hundred of the word justice. When will we start telling victims, you need to seek justice, instead of you need to forgive?]

[“The] very foundation of God’s throne is justice and righteousness.” — [Jimmy Hinton.]21



Endnotes

18Adam Clarke’s Commentary.

19Weust.

20Adam Clarke’s Commentary.

21Emily Dickenson. “Lies About Forgiveness: Unraveling Spiritual Abuse and Lies Abused Christian Women Struggle With– Part Four,” Confusion to Clarity

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