A Mystic's Journal Entry: November 13-16, 2005 by Laurie Conrad.

The True Sacrament of Confession and Letting Go of Desire: A Mystic’s Journal Entry: November 13 - 16, 2005

Sunday, November 13
2:30 a.m.

Unusually warm today. Walked into town, mid-afternoon, to go to Confession and Mass. Still somewhat sick. Met a few stray squirrels on the way; many leaves, all shapes and sizes and thicknesses and colors, like the stack of letters in a pile in my living room. The Church is further than I am used to walking; a bit of trouble with my left leg. About half way, I decided that I should confess that I do not always remember to pray, that often events and situations and conversations interfere.

The journey took me longer than I had planned. I inwardly prayed, as I usually do, as I walked. Suddenly my thoughts changed to more personal ones, and I saw that my life as an artist was valueless compared to bringing souls to God. This was shown to me quite clearly, in short scenes presented to my mind.

Then I asked, or heard myself ask, that if something should happen to me, if I should be asked to leave this planet, that my prayers for all creatures continue on their own, indefinitely. As I asked this, I saw my prayers stream into infinity, in all directions, swathed in bands of Light, into all realms. I felt this request issue from the depths of my soul, my very being. And then with a grief and intensity I could barely describe, I again asked: "Will you grant me this?"

I was now not far from the Church, less than half a block away. And when I looked up I saw that a being of very great Light was approaching me, in fact was now standing before me - and I asked for forgiveness. This being of great Light accompanied me into the Church.

Once inside, I realized that there were far too many people already waiting in line for me to have a turn in the confessional. Our sole priest, dear Father Leo, would never have time to hear all those Confessions before Mass. I sent some prayers in Father Leo’s direction and left the Church. Once outside I asked God for forgiveness and said more prayers, this time in atonement. It is only now, as I write this, that I realize that I was given Confession on the way to the church - perhaps by a Divine Being directly, or perhaps by Father Leo’s own soul. As often happens, there was so much Light surrounding the Being, I could not make out any form.

I then went into town and did a few small errands before Mass, and returned to the Church. There was much Light during Mass, and I was almost immediately thrown into a deep meditation which lasted until the end of Mass. Because this often happens, I have learned to listen to Mass, respond with the congregation, sing, sit and kneel and stand, open or close my eyes while still in meditation. It has been shown to me that Mass is more important than even the deepest contemplation ...

If the Church were closer to my home, I would try to go every day, as I often did when I lived at 113 ˝ West Buffalo Street. Even though I know one of the tasks given to me after my accident so many years ago was to bring the Church with me always, wherever I am - I very much still miss being able to visit Our Lord and Lady in their Home whenever I wish. This is perhaps silly and weak - but there it is, those are my thoughts and feelings.

As I finish writing those words, I notice that the downstairs has entirely filled with Light.

Wednesday, November 16
Windgarth 11:50 p.m.

Cancelled meditation and class and instead drove out to Windgarth with Larry. If I am to finish the new books, I must do it here. There are too many distractions in town.

The lake is calm tonight; fairly warm, although I wore my winter jacket down to the dock. The moon looks full; many clouds and a quickly moving sky. Hints of small rainbows here and there, mingled with the haze of the moon, between the clouds. The geese were chanting earlier, like Tibetan monks, in low guttural sounds. Larry and I meditated together. I think he is glad that I am here, for the company. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of Cindy’s death, and we will have a small ceremony in the morning. She has been everywhere lately. I think that I will go back down to the lake and meditate on the edge of the dock. Larry’s light is still on.

1 a.m.

I am now thinking about my meditator in Australia. She wrote that goals were important to her - and surely the saints were happy with their successes, they were human after all ...

This was in response to something I had written: that the last desire we are allowed is the desire for enlightenment, sainthood - to see God. But that in the end even this desire must be given up, otherwise God will always remain outside of us. It is not easy to truly understand the ego, and the hold it has over us. To see that our desires arise from the ego - as do all our thoughts, and our identification with the personality and the physical body. Goals, desires imprison us, our own thoughts imprison us. Goals are good - as long as our intentions are selfless; that all that we do is done solely to please God; that we know that all our achievements are the Divine working through us. The saints would not be proud or even happy at their successes, for they would know that the Divine Itself had brought about the success. This is the secret of the saints.

Undoubtedly I will fall asleep on the couch and be woken by the sun at dawn. I had better write some letters and then try to sleep ... First, another visit to the lake, to stand in the clear, warm air and hear the sound of the waves.