An inside look at how the cycle begins

Many cases of abuse start out in the same way, innocently. Two people meet, marry, mate or simply have a relationship, and begin their journey. But unlike healthy vital and dynamic interactions, these people are living a lie, though often one of the pair is completely unaware of the others darker motives.

Contrary to popular opinion, the signs of impending trouble are often missing.
Even a psychiatrist for example: Dr. Doreen Orion, was caught completely off guard by her abusive stalker and went through 8 years of sheer hell trying to disengage from it. Her story can be read in her fine book “I Know You Really Love Me”. The basis for all abuse is of course control. And the most violent, the most damaging offenders start out way ahead of the game.

Using the model of the pedophile as an example, the first step is building trust and confidence in their prey. Acting as an understanding and sympathetic confidante, they soon have enough tools to begin the game . These predators are adept at assessing a victims strengths and vulnerabilities. Very often a considerable amount of preparatory background is gathered to reinforce their goal of ultimate control. For these monsters in human form must have control at all costs.


Whether this occurs offline in “real” life or online, the hunter finally “traps” his quarry. Lundy Bancroft, a former co-director of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a 15-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. There are NO easy answers here folks.


Soon a pattern of self doubt, carefully inculcated in the prey starts to build. As the victim becomes more uncertain and begins doubting his/her own motives, the controlling begins in earnest. He/she is encouraged to rely solely on the other person as their only refuge and source of safety. The world takes on a darker more ominous tone, where dangers, carefully depicted by the abuser, lurk everywhere. The dependence, degraded self esteem and lack of security increase as the real cycle of abuse begins.

With the first slap, verbal punch or rape, the victims sense of isolation and shame are complete. By this time, most victims are barely able to function on any meaningful level, clinging to their abuser as the only one who“loves” them, thanks to the careful and methodical building up of dependency. If by chance the victim reaches out for help from others, they experience the “ well.. why don’t you just walk away?’ response Which in a badly shattered ego, is not quite that easy, as they perceive a world filled with threat.

The abusive partner meanwhile, who cannot see this person as “real” and separate, but a part of him or herself, is frantically sniffing for signs of impending rebellion. And.. the abuse increases to completely dominate and subjugate their “disobedient” prey. For to lose them, is to lose themselves. If truly convinced they have lost their victim, they may kill them to “keep” them safe.

Physical abuse of course leaves visible scars. But often it is the emotional.verbal abuse that creates the deepest damage. No one can “see”: the signs of an emotional beating. But it’s there. And often it’s this form of abuse that lingers longest in a victims mind. Here are some signs of being abused by an emotional batterer, as described by Dr. Mary Susan Miller PHD in her book: “No Visible Wounds : Identifying Non-Physical Abuse of Women by Their Men”


“ DOES YOUR PARTNER . . .
* have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
* become jealous without reason?
* prevent you from seeing friends and family?
* deny you access to family assets such as bank accounts, credit cards, or the car?
* control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
* insult you or call you derogatory names?
* humiliate you in front of your children?
* turn minor incidents into major arguments?
If you or someone you know can answer "yes" to the questions above, chances are you are suffering from nonphysical battering--controlling, tyrannical behavior that is just as damaging to a woman's self-esteem as a broken bone or a black eye.”


If you find yourself locked in a cycle of shame and pain, be careful who you turn to for help. Often others in the guise of being friends, can worsen the damage and endanger you further with shallow judgment or simply by giving you bad advice. Contact law enforcement or go to the local women’s shelter. Don’t let fear or ignorance isolate you any more.

There is a life beyond the pain. Trust me on this. Don’t allow anyone to shame or degrade you into thinking otherwise..ever. No one “asks” or deserves such treatment. But only you can make that critical life affirming step into the sunlight once again.