Mommy Could This Happen To Us?


For the third time this year, here in Sacramento, a parent or relative has killed a child.

For the third time this year, here in Sacramento, a parent or relative has killed a child. This time, a Russian émigré killed 4 members of his family in cold blood and took off with his surviving son. Children around here are scared and upset over this horrendous event. But what really broke my heart was my children asking me “Mommy, could this happen in our house, to us”?

Children can deal with what they can understand. But how on earth do we, as parents, try to explain the unexplainable to them, in terms they can grasp? I’m very angry that something like this needs explanation. In an ideal world, there wouldn’t be room for such horrors. But, there is, and we have to do the best we can to help our children cope with such outrage and fear. What words can we use to ever make it all right for them?

I can only share with you what I told my own two children. And hope it helps other parents, when confronted with these same fears. I first asked them for what they were feeling. Sad, mad, scared? It turns out they felt all three, like Justin said, “In a great big ball in my tummy”. “They wanted to know how come this happened?” And most importantly where were people to help stop him?” Finally, they asked”Why?”


I explained that many people don’t have good tools to get help when they are feeling angry and upset. They don’t know who to ask for help or where to go to get it. So that bad, or upset feelings get all bottled up with nowhere safe to put them. When that happens sometimes people just have these huge explosions of anger because they don’t talk about their feelings, and this is what can happen. I stressed to them the importance of letting someone know when they are feeling upset, overwhelmed or angry. That in our family, we know how to get help, we have the tools. And I promised them, we would use them.


I answered the question about where was help for these people, how come no one stopped him. I explained as best I could that it happened very quickly, the police were called quickly, but thought there had been a car accident at first. I pointed out since there were no gunshots, no one heard much of anything, but people did try to help. I then asked them to think hard about something they had tried THEIR best to do but couldn’t. And then I asked them to imagine how very bad neighbors and the police felt, in not getting there quickly enough to stop him. This then turned to a discussion about how very important it is to tell someone, if you see or hear something bad happening.


As to the question of why, I explained I had no good answer. That something so vicious and ugly doesn’t often have a why to it. I know this was probably not the greatest answer in the world, but they seemed to respect my own bafflement as to why crimes like this occur. And I gave them my firm promise that this will not happen in our home. That they are safe, loved and secure. It’s all a parent can do, when faced with the monstrous things that happen in our world today. I would like to remind all parents that, just because your child doesn’t appear to react to things like this, doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling the impact. Talk to your children openly and frankly about these things.


Communication, love and respect are potent counterweight to the monsters who live among us. Use this as an opportunity to draw the family circle close in. Love each other well.