. Modern families are often multi –parented and multi-cultured. Many children were the result of unwed pregnancies. Often a parent will make the decision to lie or pretty up this portion of their lives. In other instances, a parent, grandparent or other relative may simply omit, or hide a very close family connection, due to disagreements, estrangements or outright dislike. Some hide history out of a sense of shame or embarrassment. The result is the same, a sense of betrayal, loss of confidence and a deep sense of not fitting anywhere

There are lies of omission and lies that are designed to deceive someone deliberately. There is another type of lie, I call the family lie, that can have devastating, long term impact. What I am discussing here is the lies many families tell, to hide parentage and familial relationships from their children and other relatives. Not just adoption secrets, but basic family core relationships.


We are all fairly familiar with the stories of pain, loss and confusion adoptees have shared. How dislocated and displaced these children often feel. How the need to know lives at the core of their beings, an unending ache that only finding out the truth can ease. Victims of family lies feel this same ache, sense of betrayal and loss. Modern families are often multi –parented and multi-cultured. Many children were the result of unwed pregnancies. Often a parent will make the decision to lie or pretty up this portion of their lives. In other instances, a parent, grandparent or other relative may simply omit, or hide a very close family connection, due to disagreements, estrangements or outright dislike. Some hide history out of a sense of shame or embarrassment. The result is the same, a sense of betrayal, loss of confidence and a deep sense of not fitting anywhere.

I know, because I’ve discovered that everything I’ve ever been told about my family is basically false. I always knew that my father was a secretive, complex and brilliant man. Very prominent in San Francisco business, society and politics, it’s hard to believe, few knew little about him personally. My mother, raised in San Francisco and educated in France, was part I thought, of a large and loving Spanish family. As it turns out that relationship was distorted and hidden. Family names, I’ve known since early childhood, don’t belong to me, save in a very distant way. My Uncle Carlos was actually guardian for his very wealthy great niece. My cousins are in fact distant, not the close first cousins I played with. My Parisian grandfather, Maurice is in fact a step-grandfather. I don’t know who my maternal grandfather is. The woman I thought was my grandmother, is in fact, my great grandmother. Lies upon lies, secrets upon secrets.

What little my father shared with us, involved his being born in Long Island NY. He told us his parents were killed in a boating accident off Long Island Sound, and that he was then adopted by another family. I don’t know his ancestry, heritage or anything about him. Again, I don’t know who my paternal grandparents are. Even his surname is in question. Genealogical research on him comes up blank. Asking relatives has produced nothing. Since I have two profoundly grave disorders, Lupus and Crohns disease, locating family is crucial. I feel totally dislocated and unsure of my place in the world, after discovering how many family lies have been told, and secrets still being kept.


I am sharing this with you, in the hopes that someone keeping their own secrets will see the awful cost it incurs. No matter how much you dislike someone, how much shame you might feel, whatever the reason, don’t do this to yourself or your children. Not knowing is so much worse than giving them the truth, simple or complex. Children are surprisingly understanding and flexible, given half the chance. This Christmas perhaps, might be a good time to share family secrets, and give your children their rightful sense of fitting in the world. It will relieve you of the burden of lies, and give them the gift of belonging.

MERRY CHRISTMAS