Ideas on becoming more lovable through inner and outer actions and attitudes.

Take time for You! Are you wondering how a focus on taking time for you could make you more lovable? Well, I believe that many external problems people experience are due to a corresponding lack of clarity. If you've thought out what is important and are not acting consistently with that awareness, maybe you're not as sure as you think you are about your needs.

If you're not in a romantic relationship and want to be, is it possible you're sabotaging yourself in some way? Are you holding back from greeting guys you're attracted to, responding to ads, asking gals to dance? If you know you only want attention and flirting, do you let on by words or body language that you're looking for a long term relationship? Do you have some beliefs about what you can or can't do in relating to potential partners?

What could a day alone, away from friends, maybe in a park or other natural setting, maybe in a tea house or a library, depending on the weather, do for your dreams and goals and life situation? Part of the impetus for this article was an assignment for my 25 hour (5-week) class on Explorations in Systemic Understanding. We were to spend a day without talking, just being in our body, noticing (what crazytigerinstitute.com teacher Rodney Donaldson calls embodied experiencing) animals, other people and ourselves. A book we were to read, from 1952, by Konrad Lorenz, King Solomon's Ring, explores the author's research of and interactions with various birds, shrews, hamsters, and fish. I believe the purpose of the assignment was to observe Lorenz as a model to help us hone our skills in awareness. I want to pass along the value this could offer.

May I assume you're open to taking off a day (or half a day) to listen inside, to ask what you really want and need. There are many ways to do this. You can write stream of consciousness for several pages, whatever comes to you about what you want or need or value. You could write two columns, with the left column repeating the same sentence, followed in the right column by whatever comes to mind. Example, especially if you don't think you know what you really want: I'm clear on my needs. (what comes up may be "I wish I were") I'm clear on my needs. (no logic allowed, only what comes up, such as "Well, I do know I need food and shelter and friends") I'm clear on my needs. (maybe "I'm so changeable from day to day) By repeating the sentence you wish were true , being sure it's in present tense, such as "I'm delighted with my partner" even before there's one in the picture, you trigger unconscious thoughts, beliefs, fears, and the like.

It's much easier to deal with what isn't working when it's been brought up to consciousness. You may need to write what comes to mind even 20 or 30+ times after the repeated sentence of the first column to finally get what the holdup is. You might also pretend a friend has just told you his or her problem, and it's very much like yours. "I'm shy", "I always find something wrong with a partner by the second month", "Nobody is interested in a deep spiritual relationship", or "I'm afraid of commitment" (in which case I recommend Carter and Sokol's He's Scared, She's Scared).

If you can detach from your concern and be with this friend who shares your problem, what would you say? Assuming the person just needs questions and a good listening ear to help him or her get to their own understanding, what might you ask? Perhaps "Why do you believe that?" or "What would be different if that weren't true ?" or "What are the benefits of your being just the way you are now?" or even "Say the opposite and tell me everything that comes up for you around it."

Recently, in my Why not Go for Everything piece, two of Rodney's statements were "All that I do I do because I want to" and "Responsibility means going with one's found liking or disliking of the consequences of one's behavior." If you don't like the consequences of not having a desirable partner, and you've taken time to be aware of all the implications, what will you find yourself doing because of that knowingness? If you don't end up at singles gatherings or in chat rooms or placing personals at yahoo.com, aol.com, socialnet.com, match.com, kiss.com, or in print media, is it possible you are following someone else's agenda rather than your own?

Example: "I'm 35, and better find a partner soon if I want a baby" even though you're not sure a baby fits into your life plan. Or it's entirely possible that you have concluded "If it's meant to be, it will happen. I'm not going to push it." Maybe you are playing the comparison game--John and Jane and Jerry and Joy are married or engaged--is there something wrong that I'm not? If you've taken off several hours or a day--even better if you do that every month or so--and gently open yourself to wondering about the truth of "All that I do I do because I want to", what conclusions might you draw? When you are procrastinating on a project or on joining a class that will put you with others sharing your strong interests, look for the truth of "I'm procrastinating because I want to."

I'm aware that for the past two days, I put off making some calls because they put me out of my comfort zone. Most calls don't, but these did. I more wanted the comfort than the discomfort, but finally made the calls with the support of my coach. What else besides fear or the need for comfort and safety keeps you from asking for a date, telling your friends you'd like their support in breaking through your barriers, or being straightforward in a current relationship and asking for what you want? What's the worst thing that can happen from speaking your truth--i.e. what you notice, feel, think, need, and are willing to do? Rejection? Anger? Hurt feelings? And what's the BEST thing that can happen? Acceptance? Understanding? Intimacy? Which do you want?

When you are clear, you are more likely to be in love with yourself, and that self-love is a powerful attractor of what you want to draw into your life. How much happier might you be in a romantic relationship if your partner also took off several hours each month to get an inner tuneup? You might remember from last issue that a man I met through match.com seemed like a magical connection. I'm sad that the spark, the heart tug, the chemistry did not hold in person as it had on the Internet. I knew that possibility, of course, but it all seemed so right. He and I have talked a lot and spent time nurturing the friendship, so we feel good about our relationship, but we are both out looking again. We still believe we can have what we want, and the clearer we are on that, the more likely we'll find a desired partner.

If you're in a fulfilling romantic relationship, I urge you to continue to take time away by yourself to maintain clarity about what you want to bring forth in your life. If you find yourself unattached, it certainly doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It may mean no more than a signal for you to get clear on what really matters and then to be aware of what you want to do to create reality out of that desire. Again, the more you are at home in your mind and body, the more you like yourself, the more attractive you will be to others. You can trust yourself to learn what you need to learn when you take time away from people and distractions. You might need to write a whole page about your fears or concerns before you can allow yourself to reach toward fully expressing all of who you are.

When will you take an afternoon or a day to commune with yourself? Look forward to the richness and the clarity you will find there. When you are being fully yourself, self-confident and self-loving, you are very appealing and lovable.

Moreah Vestan is a life coach, speaker and writer on personal growth topics--self-discovery, compassionate communication (http://communication coaching.net.), and fulfillment of mind, heart and body. Some of her essays are in her book, Pleasures and Ponderings: From Nun to Nudist to Now. She has written a monthly column since 1992 for Seattle's Active Singles Life. She has an M.A. in Adult Education. Contact her at 206-938-8385, or email moreah.comcast.net