Abuse Without the Bruises
Discussions about abuse conjure up images of bruises and broken bones. Police photos taken of physical abuse victims in news coverage, and television shows and movies about the revenge of battered wives have created awareness of this type of abuse; but what about abuse that inflicts a broken spirit, bruised self-image or emotional and verbal injury? Despite the absence of visual evidence, verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse.
I survived an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Through the support of family, friends, and my own intelligence and desire to find answers, I have been fortunate to recover with my self-esteem intact. The phenomenon is more common than physical abuse. “Thirty-five percent of all women who are or have been in married or common-law relationships have experienced emotional abuse. In comparison, 29% of women have been physically assaulted by their male partners.” (Springtide Resources.org, 2000). Many victims do not report emotional abuse because they feel they have no concrete proof. Conversations with women who lived through this kind of abuse, but may not have bounced back as I have, have led me to seek more information on the topic.
What is Emotional Abuse?
Steve Hein (2006) describes emotional abuse as “any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation, etc” He further states that it “can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.” Suite101.com states that “abuse is about control and the fear of losing it.” (Vaknin, n.d.) In heterosexual couples, women are sometimes the abusers, however, the phenomenon most often manifests with the male in that role.
Signs & Symptoms
Every website I visited on this topic gave a list of how to recognize emotional abuse. It was like reading my diary from those years I spent with my ex husband. Here is a list of the most commonly repeated symptoms, all of which applied to my experience. I have incorporated quotes my ex actually used as examples of these signs and traits:
- Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings? “That’s bull! You don’t really feel that way.”
- Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs? “Who was that on the phone? When you are talking on the phone, you need to say the person’s name so I’ll know who it is.”
- Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner's eyes? “I can’t get you to do anything like I tell you to do it!”
- Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you? “You know I love you, but I just need you to follow the rules.”
- Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you? “You’ll never find another man to love you like I do.” (said upon my leaving him).
- Do you have to account for every moment of your time? “It took you twenty minutes to drive to the mall and twenty to drive back. Where did you go when you got there? How long did it take you to do that? Then, where did you go? What did you do with those fifteen minutes you haven’t accounted for?” (I spent the time ordering and purchasing a large, decorated cookie that said “Happy 1st Anniversary”)
- When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag? “Why are you always on my back about something? Sometimes I don’t believe you can think for yourself.”
- If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don't deserve anything? “What do you mean you only spent three dollars on flowers? “Don’t you have enough flowers without spending my hard-earned money on this kind of B.S.?”
- After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up? “Come here, woman. I know how to cheer you up.”
- Does he use the children against you in arguments? “You wouldn’t have the relationship with those boys you have if it wasn’t for me. If you keep acting this way, they are going to grow up hating you.”
- Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong? “What did you do to the truck? The clutch went out while I was driving it!”
- Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself? “I don’t care how much you like that color. I don’t like it, and no wife of mine will be caught wearing that.”
- Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups? “Why is your sister always on the phone? You need to stop hanging around her, she’s up to no good and I don’t want her in our business.”
Do I See a Pattern Here?
Emotional abuse is difficult to characterize, but follows the same pattern as physical abuse. A prominent psychologist, author and abuse victim’s advocate developed a three-phase cycle of violence model. First, tension increases, followed by a breakdown of communication and the victim feels the need to placate the abuser. This phase is followed by an explosion; an incident of abuse such as anger, blaming, arguing, threats or intimidation. Then, the abuser becomes loving or contrite and apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, and denies the abuse ever occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims (Walker, n.d.).
What Are the Effects?
The cycle is the same for physical as it is for emotional abuse and many times a verbal abuser escalates to physical violence when they feel they may no longer maintain control over their victim. Victims of emotional abuse find it difficult to classify what they are going through as true abuse because their partner never actually struck them violently. There is no physical evidence of battery, but this kind of control can leave deeper scars than the stereotypical wife-beater can.
Women tend to become afraid to make decisions for themselves and may become subservient and willing to do anything to please their partner and avoid the abuse. Forgetfulness, confusion, inability to concentrate, and changes in eating and sleeping habits may occur. Losing interest or lack of energy to do things they once enjoyed is coupled with a loss of self-confidence and fear that the victim can’t make it without the abuser. Feeling sick, anxious, tired or depressed frequently is common and because the abuser works to separate the victim, she may lose contact with family or friends.
So, I’m Abused, Now What?
On the website SpringtideResources.org, I read that “[m]any people think that emotional abuse is not as serious or harmful as physical abuse. Women state that this is not true , and that the biggest problem they often face is getting others to take emotional abuse seriously.” (2000) The site lists ways to recognize this type of abuse along with a list of ways to seek help. One major challenge is that emotionally abused women don’t think battered wife shelters will accept victims of emotional abuse. Getting help does not require bleeding or bruises. Helplines, shelters and the local police are all viable options. Remember that abused women are at the greatest risk when they try to leave the abuser, so have a safety plan in place.
Road to Freedom
When it’s time to overcome an emotionally abusive relationship, the solutions were common throughout my research as were the symptoms of abuse:
- Understand that emotional abuse is a serious problem and that help is available.
- Realize that emotional abuse is as bad as or worse than physical abuse.
- Take your safety and that of your children seriously.
- Realize that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
- Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behavior.
- Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counseling.
- Do not give up; keep looking for help.
- Find someone that will listen and take emotional abuse seriously.
- Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
- Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.
My Story
I was with my abuser for twenty-three years before I found the strength to break free. I was fortunate to have a good support system. His behavior became more and more evident to those who were close to me. Friends and family questioned how I seemed to be so much less vibrant and outgoing than the person they knew. Still, making the decision to get out was difficult. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to provide the basic needs of my children. I now understand that this was one of the standard symptoms of abuse and that I was not alone.
I recently saw my ex-husband for the first time since our divorce hearing almost four years ago. His father passed away and my sons wanted to say farewell to their grandpa, so we made the four-hour drive back to North Carolina. I wanted to be able to look my ex in the eye and know I was free, know that the old triggers were gone, and know that he no longer had the ability to push my buttons and control me. I said hello, and he tried to pick a fight and blame me for everything bad that happened to him since I left. His tactics had not changed, but I discovered that I had grown beyond his ability to push my buttons. When I did not respond to his accusations, he escalated and implied that a DNA test would verify my children were not his. It was quite liberating, and the source of a good belly-laugh. Its official; I am free.
I feel I've come a long way, but deep down I wonder if a few sessions with a counselor wouldn't help me better understand what I went through and therefore better equip me to enter another relationship. I was a strong person going into that relationship, and I've come out of it stronger. Still, every now and then I see an old demon associated with that time in my life. They usually show up in my knee-jerk response to a certain type of stimulus—like at tax time when the IRS keeps my refund to pay his old tax debt. I signed the return, so goodbye refund. It doesn’t matter that I was afraid not to sign it. In fact, when applying for Innocent Spouse Relief from the IRS, they stated that I was “unable to prove that abuse existed during the tax year in question.” This is a strong indicator of how emotional abuse is not taken seriously. My goal is to chase all the little demons out and chop off their heads!
Knowing myself and understanding the nature of what I went through and that it wasn’t my fault have been my greatest weapons against my ordeal. Maya Angelou said, “I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.”
References
Ending violence against women. (2000). Retrieved February 10, 2007, from http://www.springtideresources.org/resources/show.cfm?id=33
Hein, S., (2006). Emotional abuse: What is emotional abuse? Retrieved January 24, 2007, from http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm
Vaknin, S. (n.d.). Verbal/emotional abuse. Retrieved January 24, 2007, from http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse
Walker, L. (n.d.) Dynamics of domestic Violence – the cycle of violence. Retrieved January 24, 2007, from http://www.enddomesticviolence.com/include/ content/filehyperlink/holder/The%20Cycle%20of%20Violence.doc
