(How I Brought Movement Back To Interactions With My Pastors With Four Simple Techniques)

Communication Paralysis

The solution was simple enough. As a full time student and staff member serving two hours away, communication with my pastor was difficult. I reasoned I could keep him informed by leaving messages under his door on Sundays. So I thought.

Problems between us became frequent. Communication came to a stand still. I finally realized my pastor could not grasp the printed messages. He understood verbal communications. Written ones frustrated and made him mad. The printed attempts at interaction resulted in a case of communication paralysis.

Now, a twenty plus year ministry veteran, I have learned to communicate in ways my pastors understand. Each has been developed through prior mistakes, watching my peers, and being sensitive to problems in communication. These four techniques have brought movement back to our interactions. Use of all four will not be necessary in communicating with any one pastor. The longer your tenure, the more likelihood each technique will be needed.

* Technique N0. 1 - Employ Face to Face Encounters

One of my pastors needed one on one encounters. The above mentioned scenario was real. Some people struggle with understanding words in print. The problem stems from not seeing the emotions and body language or failing to understand printed word usage. This pastor misinterpreted my correspondence because he either struggled with the English language or my printed correspondence was vague and confusing. His eighth grade education may not have prepared him to handle written correspondence. My tendency to get straight to the point may have left out necessary details. In either case, misunderstandings probably would have been avoided with face to face encounters.

Looking your pastor in the eye is the best chance to avoid miscommunication. My present pastor sums up the feelings of most when he says, “I do not want to run your music and senior adult ministries, I just want to know what you are doing.” Face to face encounters ensures they will know -- with misunderstandings kept to a minimum. Weekly staff meetings provide a time for these encounters. If you are not having them, strongly encourage your pastor to consider their implementation.

* Technique N0. 2 - Use “Could it Be ...” Preface Questions

Another pastor communicated on an emotional level. John was emotionally insecure. My efforts to help went awry even in honest attempts to make him aware of potential criticisms.

John grew up in Mobile, Alabama. His home church was one of the mega churches. The pastors and teachers he knew and trusted served in Mobile. Whenever a guest speaker was brought in, you guessed it, it was someone from there. Rumblings were soon heard throughout the congregation criticizing John for his choice of speakers. They feared he was steering the congregation toward a mega church mentality.

Then I, unwisely, enter the picture. I approached my pastor and said, “ John, I am hearing a lot of criticism about all of our guest coming from Mobile. Couldn’t you pick some speakers from other places?” Unfortunately, it came across as if I had a problem with John’s speaker selection and not the church. John became defensive. Our relationship suffered.

Since this interpersonal fiasco, I have learned to ask, “Could it be...” questions. Had I asked, “John, could it be our congregation is thinking we are leading them to duplicate such and such church in Mobile by our choice of speakers?”, his response may have been different. It may not have changed his continued selections but at least it would have possibly kept me out of trouble. Also, it would have been a reminder to be more careful in his future selections. By including “we”, and suggesting this may be a concern, I avoided being critical while being willing to share the criticism if it were true .

* Technique N0. 3 - Put It In Writing

Peter needed everything written down. He communicated in logical terms so I always presented the facts. If I showed him on paper the value of an event, he would give his support.

Our youth choir had a successful in-state tour. As their director, I felt the timing was right for an out of state tour, specifically to the Washington D.C. area. I knew the first major hurdle was getting Peter’s support. Getting my ducks in a row, I petitioned Peter: “Pastor, because of our successful in-state tour last year, I would like to take our youth choir to Washington D.C. Here are the details -- schedule, cost, fundraising, itinerary, and dates of rehearsals. I have also included a list of ten reasons why we should go.” After a lengthy discussion, Peter did not fully embrace the idea, but he appreciated my work and allowed me to present the trip to youth parents.

Another scenario with Peter revolved around my budget presentation. Learning from a previous pastor, I prepared a budget in detail. I included a sentence or two of justification -- telling why the item was needed and how it would be used. Not knowing how my predecessor did his budget, an unexpected windfall came in the form of appreciation from Peter and the finance committee. It seems the prior music minister had simply asked for a lump sum without showing how the budget would be utilized.

Both the tour and the budget preparation were early examples with Peter in dealing with facts ... in putting the communiqué in writing.

* Technique N0 4 - Focus On The Spiritual

Another pastor communicated on a spiritual level. Charlie had one thing on his mind -- soul winning. Whatever the activity I chose, the happening had to have as its bottom line the goal of winning people to Christ.

This was so true when I requested making a certain purchase. I said, “Charlie, I would like to pursue buying handbells. Can I?” Charlie’s flat response was, “No, handbells stifled worship.” In Charlie’s mind, handbells hindered worship so no one would be saved.

Communicating with Charlie forced a close examination of an activity’s spiritual benefit. As he saw I was willing to better my witnessing skills by taking an evangelism course, Charlie was more open to my request -- even handbells.

Have I always avoided a communication paralysis in relationships with pastors? No, as identified in some of the above encounters, I have not. I have learned that face to face encounters, could it be questions, putting it in writing, and focusing on the spiritual has brought movement back to my interactions. If they have for me, could it be... they might for you also?

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