The custom of arranged marriages in the east along with real life stories.

Marriages, we solemnly believe are made in heaven, pairs are decided by God and united on earth. The Lord Himself has already done the greater tasks and has only left the unions to us; and we make a muddle of that too! Setting ego problems aside as to whose choice it is, who cares how the couple comes together, by themselves or by some adults…the bottom line being that they are meant to be together with or without the adult authorization stamp!
Then whether marriages work out or not all stems down to the question every aunt will obstinately ask: arranged or love? And again we have at hand a tiresome debate. Love marriages are by no means a taboo; there is nothing wrong with the fact that two people share love and understanding and want to make it legal and binding. Unless of course they are totally wrong for each other and their sanity is roller blinded by the unfathomable declaration of love.
Arranged marriages sure seem old-fashioned today when young western couples live-in together before tying the knot. Yet if you look at it in an unbiased way, however old-fashioned they are, they are existent and are part of a tradition thousands of years old, unwavering from a time when marriage meant more than the union of two people in companionship and sexuality; still an explicit requirement in the East.
Lest the marriage bureau aunties start knocking my front door down, let me explain that the issue is not inevitably the "arranged ness" of a marriage, but how composed and well informed is the decision by the couple? The concern is not about defying one of the two severely divided approaches of marriage, but the dire need for a conscious choice between the boy and the girl.
However, what is dubious is the manner in which arranged marriages are practiced around us for they sanction and perpetuate the prevalent gender inequalities in the Eastern Third World. Yes, I am talking about the popular ‘three-way ticket’ featuring the entry of a proficient bachelor who returns with a bewildered bride a-stride after some slapdash time in his country.
With such infallible regularity whilst battling pending deadlines, pressure and parents, these young men wind up finding a partner for life. A person foreign to this culture would ask that befuddled one word question: How???
Is it that all these absolutely eligible bachelors have bewitching personalities, are competent professionals, a girl’s cherished dream or this that their bigoted worth in a sexist culture leads to the pageant of a good number of eligible girls (whose parents have been patiently waiting for some time) in front of him. What’s more questionable is that was the choice sentient? Or was he just taking the traditional easy way out? Was the decision personal or taken under pressure? Would he prove to be a suitable husband or just remain the exemplary obedient boy who returned home to marry? Period!
It is often said that arranged marriages work because both partners have realistic and reduced expectations. Let me rephrase that; the girls have reduced expectations for it is the eastern women who are inured into a faith that marriage is one big compromise requiring constant adjustment and re adjustments for the wife alone. With such old wives tales, feeding stories and one-sided cooperation, any system can be said to be working. And if that doesn’t, it’s the couple’s fault, ah…the impatient and stubborn new generations, huh? As if!
What I would like to know is that when mature people can make foremost decisions concerning themselves then why is the decision of compatibility in marriage delegated to the prudent "elders" or to fate out rightly and totally? Certainly, compatibility is hard to pre-judge; but that doesn’t mean that it is unthinkable for couples to make out whether the match is well suited or not instead of treating the sacred vow of marriage as one big negotiation. Sure, we have to compromise, like if one partner prefers sleeping on the right side of the bed and snores, and their spouse also wants to sleep on the left side and is a light sleeper, they compromise—but if one partner has a predilection for physical abuse or is of a sadistic nature, and the spouse holds on to save the marriage, that might be a compromise but till a certain time.
I will refrain from discussing domestic violence as that is extensively written about but rather dwell on emotional abuse, a malady of the middle and upper classes. You see the illiterate require no such proxies, for them wife battering is the best lesson taught. The emotional abuser uses 'words' or 'looks' to insults, call names, criticize and finding fault with everything done. Criticizing physical disability, doubting character, suspecting devotion, digging up old graves, salvaging old accusations, using crude language, hurling threats etc. It is usually a private interaction between husband and wife with no wounds to show for the scars are skin deep and the torture is mental.
Then what happens? Marriages fall apart; a relationship that had flowers beautifully withers, turning the sweet wine of love into bitter poison that has to be spat out after a short passage of time. And you wonder was it really the magical chemistry of love, the valentines hearts, enchantment of Cupid's arrow or just a psychological attitude and sentiments dictated by time and place?
Slowly the laughter that was music to your ears once is jarring noise, the impulsive nature that you once loved is regarded as sheer recklessness, and forgetfulness is labeled as thoughtlessness and nothing done seems right any longer. The Cinderella-like story fails to survive the clocks’ striking twelve and the fairy tale takes shape of a haunting nightmare.
24-year-old Saima complains that at her stages every discussion revolves around the ‘M’ word. M-A-R-R-I-E-D? and M-E-N! “Yes, it's really tough getting married but its worst when you are asked why. Yes, men all are b—stards; all the good guys have run off to the west.”
28-year-old Saran complains that guys are wandering creatures and very few can be trusted; majorities are afraid to lose their bachelorhood and some continue living it even after they are married.
Mawish Khan can tell you what guys think like before and after marriage, “Her education has made her too picky. Or her parents' soaring standards and bank balance has scared every male away. She’s too social. She’s a dumb mutt. She's got a bad reputation. She’s goody-two-shoes. She's not pretty enough. She's too pretty. She works. She doesn't work.”
Another girl adds that a man-woman relationship spoils the moment you brand it with a marriage certificate; “Its simple, guys feel trapped!”
Now lets hear the guys out! Arif Kitchlew feels that men mainly fear commitment but if mind has been made up on commitment there is nothing to fear, even stepping out of the bachelor stage.
Wanting to be identified as "The Coolest Guy in Town" or better still "The Most sought-after Bachelor" claims that, “I don’t think I would be afraid of losing my bachelorhood as such. Its just that I don’t want a girl who says ‘I need my kids to go to a good school... good schools cost money...O mama why did I marry you!’”
‘Talaq, talaq, talaq!’(Divorce) is how Abbas Zaidi effortlessly summed up his answers. Amusingly he is a 21-years-old, studying in the States and not married, let alone divorced. His answer might have been prompted by the fact that he is familiar and weary of the traditional eastern marriages and the related plight.
The best response was from Abbas Dar, “Marriage is something special. It is total commitment but then at that time you have to be ready to get married.... not just fall in love. In our culture you don’t just marry the girl you marry the whole tabbar (clan)! I don’t fear marriage...I just don’t want to end up with a cow sitting on the sofa all day watching Zee TV or fighting with everyone. Plus I’d like to make the right decision and not wake up one morning next to her and ask why the fuck did I marry her? It’s hard to imagine having someone 'there' all the time. You wake up she’s there...you eat she’s there...like its never ending! So it’s important that you have to love the person you marry.”
“I am not too keen on arrange marriage. How can someone spend the rest of his life with a girl who he has met just a few times? It takes years to know a person inside out and even then one thinks twice before making such a big decision. In one way arrange marriage is good. If the marriage does not work out it isn’t your fault.... vice versa for love marriage...in the end you suffer whatever the case. So marriage is a risk.”
Newton’s law that to every action there is an opposite and equal reaction stands true not only for physics but also human psychology. Yet it is defied when it comes to marriage related issues, no matter what happens the scales don’t balance. It is still considered disgraceful for a woman to desert her partner under any circumstances till you can literary say, till death do them apart. She has been robbed of her confidence and is nagged by meaningless questions like the social reaction, family’s prestige, children’s custody, insecure future etc before finally deciding to call quits.
Marriages don’t just thrive because the partners are right for each other; there are other aspects involved. Like there is better communication between people with similar cultural and religious background. Humanity has developed marriage as an institution and religion sanctified the relationship providing a code of ethics and values that need to be followed. For example, “ Thou shall not commit adultery” lays the foundation of relationship in marriage for both partners and reduce strain in a relationship gives a certain level of assurance of commitment to the bond. (Not that it is held sacred around here!)
When we say ‘better economic conditions’ it does not mean that only the rich can have steady marriages but this that people should spend as much as they can afford. This should reduce the strain in marriages at all income levels, the key being that expenses should be within means for both partners.
The availability of a support system as in a network of people can helps resolve any misunderstanding by justly listening to both sides. At these times friends and family can either save or break the marriage. In the east however, mostly the susrals (in-laws) play an active negative role since they have nothing better to do.
The typical blame game slowly eats up the bond like termite devours wood, accusations are hurled and a mountain is made out of a mole hill just because the ego is bruised and people tend to think that after saying sorry the other partner will gain an upper hand. Petty misunderstandings can result in irreconcilable differences where the common response to an argument is finding slips in the partner to hark back that they are even bigger doers. Most stable and successful marriage are tenderly up-front and without hesitation to say sorry and giving ample breathing space.
Better still are these pearls of wisdom:
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be space in your togetherness.
And let the winds of heaven dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
(Kahlil Gibran)


THEIR CLOCKS STRUCK MIDNIGHT
(True Stories)

The fairy Godmother waved her dazzling wand and clad the world in bedazzling attire. The Cinderellas’ stepped out of their coaches, left their parents side to sway to the tuned of their Princes’. A castle of their dreams, the satin curtains covered the grim closing walls, the magnificent carpets covered the gaping holes and the masks hid the true faces…
Gul’s pretty face turned out to a curse in disguise. “He fell for me the first time we met, I was from a simple family and he was a sought after guy.” We had an understanding for about half a year and then got married. Then he just changed over night! The fiancé who used to flaunt me around forbid any makeup as a husband, not even thread and wax! He wouldn’t let me visit my parents alone and would go mad after getting home from a gathering with wild accusations.” One night he beat her intolerably, that was the second last time she saw him, the last being in court where he settled for all her dowry and belongings against divorce.
“He dragged me by hair and locked me in the bathroom.” Sana was married to a distant cousin her parents had met at a wedding and before she knew she was married and packed off to Ireland. Her husband was her age and still reluctant to settle down. “I was like a stranger in the background for four months but I kept trying. But he hated me for a reason that was beyond my understanding until a woman showed up with his 3-year-old daughter.” Her husband pleaded to her to keep this from his family, as it would shatter his image. “He had shattered my life and all that mattered to him was his image.”
Naz is pregnant with her sixth child, broken with her mother in law’s cussing; she left the village with her family to try her luck in the big city. Her children hadn’t eaten for three days in a row. “Zeb is the eldest, she understands, so if we do get food we give it to the younger children.” And Zeb is only 9 of age. Her husband who she claims is tirelessly looking for a job is apparently on drugs, least concerned and trudges home at mealtime.
Nikkei’s marriage was arranged though she was involved elsewhere. She did not want to marry the educated, wealthy, political figure, twelve years her senior but she did. It was more of a business transaction, "He would go out with other women and even bring them home in my presence. It was very insulting," She remained in the marriage nevertheless, hoping her situation would change. He just killed my self-esteem; I stopped caring and looking after myself. Then he divorced me claiming publicly that I was fat, ugly and had several affaires…”
The clock had struck twelve… the ball had ended, the music halted, the coaches turned to pumpkins, the gowns to rags. The splendid castles wall became forbidding and grim, the masks came off and the faced were revealed.