Interview with M. Hill

The Ones That Got Away: A Dating Memoir
M. Hill
HoneyBee Publishing (2008)
ISBN 9780981750002
Reviewed by Paige Lovitt for Reader Views (7/08)

Today, Tyler R. Tichelaar of Reader Views is pleased to interview M. Hill, who is here to talk about her new book “The Ones That Got Away” and answer for us the question of “Why Are You Still Single?”

Ms. Hill is a Northeast transplant currently living in Scottsdale, AZ. All, and I mean all, the other info—anything you could possibly imagine, is in her book. But hopefully, she will share a little of it with us today.

Tyler:  Welcome, Ms. Hill. I’m glad you could join me today. To begin, will you explain why you decided to write your own memoir about dating?

Ms. Hill:  I actually explain early on in my book how I came across a story I had written when I was young about a single woman, and when I realized that I was basically living a life like hers (which is not a bad one), I couldn’t help but wonder when that had happened to me—or how. That’s how my book began, by trying to answer that question.

Tyler:  So do you think from the time you were a young girl you envisioned yourself as single and you spent the rest of your life intentionally working toward it or sabotaging yourself into staying single?

Ms. Hill:  I can’t say that I ever gave it a lot of thought when I was young. I can say, however, that I never daydreamed about one day being married. As I wrote “The Ones That Got Away,” I wondered for a moment, myself, if I had fallen into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I’m still not entirely sure about that. Although, I am pretty sure no one, after reading my book, will think I am a self-saboteur. In fact, I think they’ll see me as a real trouper.

Tyler:  May I ask, what is your age, and do you get asked a lot, “Why are you still single?” Is it because of your age?

Ms. Hill: Sure Tyler, you can ask me anything—my life is an open book, literally. Right now I am 43. And yes, I get asked quite frequently, “Why are you still single?” I don’t think it really has much to do with my age; after all, that question has been presented to me for years. I think I’m asked that question because people are often surprised when they find out that I am single. Many are also surprised to find that I’m in my 40s now. Most people are very complimentary to me about my appearance, my personality and my achievements, and they just don’t understand why I’m alone (so to speak).

I have to say that I think there is some commentary in there, somewhere, on the state of things in today’s… society, if that’s even the right word. What I mean is this: I think people would be much more accepting, and perhaps comfortable, if when they met me they heard I was divorced, or even widowed. But single and not really even looking anymore, well, people just don’t understand that. And I think that’s largely due to the fact that most people are uncomfortable, or afraid, to be alone. Not me!

Tyler:  I know where you’re coming from Ms. Hill since I’m a thirty-seven year old confirmed bachelor myself. I find I just enjoy my own company too much to share it full time with anyone else, and I have too many things I want to do to waste my time doing what someone else wants. Some might call that selfish, but it would be more selfish for me to be in a relationship and not commit full-time to it. At least until I find the person who shares my interests that I want to commit full-time to. Can you relate to what I’m saying in your own situation?

Ms. Hill:  Of course I can, but I’d like to clarify my position. I’m not single because I enjoy my own company so much (although I do, I’m quite entertaining), it’s just that if to be with someone else is a chore, a draining, taxing chore, well then, I would rather be by myself. I’ve been on dates where I sat across from men thinking things like, ‘If I had stayed home, I could have gotten my ironing done.’ What does that tell you? It screams, “He’s not for you!” I mean, if I’d rather be ironing…YEESH! It’s all about finding someone you are compatible with, that you enjoy spending time with.

Tyler:  So when people ask you why you’re still single, do you generally respond a specific way?

Ms. Hill:  I generally sigh—sometimes the sigh is accompanied by an internal eye roll. It’s not an easy question to answer. It’s not as if I had one horrific experience that put me off the whole affair. That’s the beauty of my book “The Ones That Got Away—A Dating Memoir”; now when I’m asked, “Why are you still single?” I can just say, “Here, read this. Get it?”

Tyler: A lot of your dating described in “The Ones That Got Away” has been blind dates. Will you tell us what you think was the funniest one you ever had?

Ms. Hill: I wouldn’t say ‘a lot of my dating’ has been blind dates—this makes me sound like some hideous beast that can’t get a date on her own, I’m not; I have had a lot of blind dates though. As far as the funniest blind date goes, I’m not sure that any one in particular was actually funny, in and of itself, but they are usually a guaranteed source of entertaining material—whether it’s wrinkly-shirt guy or the guy with the festering wound on his face. What I will tell you is that my second blind date was the most bizarre, but I can’t go into the details here because it would spoil it for the readers—See Chapter 7.

Tyler:  Did you have any truly scary dating experiences that you mention in “The Ones That Got Away”—maybe one you were glad got away?

Ms. Hill: I don’t think scary, a little weird at times certainly, but thank God, not truly scary. I’m glad that most of them got away, downright thrilled with some of them. To tell you the truth, there were some I didn’t think I’d ever shake!

Tyler:  Is there anyone you ever dated that you wish you had tied the knot with?

Ms. Hill:  Of course there have been times when I thought, “Oh my, he’s the one!” And then there was the time that I actually almost did get married. But, I don’t think I’m really the marrying kind. I actually ask the readers, toward the end of the book, after they’ve been privy to a lot of my stories who they think got away. It would be interesting to me to hear the answers to that question.

Tyler:  At times, did you ever decide just to give up trying to find a partner and stay single?

Ms. Hill:  Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, you haven’t fully read the book, huh? I’m not looking—not that I’m closed off to the possibility, but I am not looking. I’m living my life! I still meet men, and I’m still amassing boy stories—check out my blog.

Tyler: Do you wish you were married now? Do you think you will get married in the future?

Ms. Hill:  No, I don’t wish I was married now. And I don’t know if I’ll marry in the future—maybe I will, maybe I won’t. It doesn’t matter to me. Marriage, in and of itself, isn’t the thing—finding someone who is compatible to you, that you enjoy spending time with, that’s the thing. I can’t even find someone I’d like to have a second date with right now!

Tyler:  Would you see your book as a non-fiction version of “Sex and the City”?

Ms. Hill:  Sure! I have great friends and I have more than my fair share of ‘dating’ experiences (32 chapters after all). My stories aren’t as salacious as “Sex and the City” though—well, okay, maybe Chapter 14 is (but there was a lot of liquor involved, shhh.)

Tyler: In the book, you come to the realization that, “I would never again spend time with the wrong person just so as not to be alone.” What led you to this realization?

Ms. Hill: Again, I don’t want to spoil anything for the reader. The groundwork is laid in Chapters 16 & 17, but the realization actually hits home in Chapter 21. The thing is, being with the wrong person is lonelier, to me, than being alone. When you’re by yourself, you can do whatever you want, when you want and how you want—or do nothing at all. When someone else is there—we’re talking about the wrong person here—you can’t do anything freely. You can’t even mope if you want to! UGH! To paraphrase Merrill Markoe, “When you’re by yourself, you have no annoying habits.” Having been with people who criticize, I just love that.

Tyler:  What do you think is the biggest mistake women make in dating?

Ms. Hill:  Settling. Without a doubt, settling. So many women feel they need a man, any man, by their side to validate their existence, or worth, I guess. I think this is why you see so many women with losers. I know that makes no sense logically—how does a loser validate them, but to many, being with someone, even a loser, is better than being alone. I don’t subscribe to that. And the other thing is that some women think once they marry a guy, they’ll be able to change them or mold them—it can’t be done. If he’s an abuser now, he’ll be an abuser when he’s married. If he’s not a cuddler now, he won’t be a cuddler when he’s married. If he doesn’t want to go shopping with you now, he certainly won’t want to go when he’s married.

Tyler:  What reaction have you received so far from readers of “The Ones Who Got Away”?

Ms. Hill:  Unbelievably awesome! Women are relating to it, loving it, laughing out loud; some have been moved to tears. It has been overwhelming for me.

Tyler:  Ms. Hill, have you tried any Internet dating, and if so, do you think it enhances or detracts from the chance of finding the right person?

Ms. Hill:  See Chapter 31. (Smile)

Tyler: Why do you think women should buy and read “The Ones That Got Away”?

Ms. Hill:  I think it is a light, funny, relatable story that they would enjoy. No one’s alone in the love life thing—we all go through similar experiences. I think all too often women make the mistake of settling, as I mentioned, and perhaps after reading my story, they’ll feel more confident to be by themselves. Let’s face it, no one’s going to find Mr. Right (or Mrs. Right) if they’re filling their time miserably, with the wrong person.

Tyler:  Do you think men would benefit as well from reading your book?

Ms. Hill:  The husband of a friend of mine told his boss about the recent release of my book. I think this man in on his fourth marriage. Anyway, he said he was going to get a copy in the hopes of gaining some insight into women. I hope he finds what he’s looking for—it is clearly written from a female’s perspective.

Tyler: Before we go, what advice would you give young women today, even high school or college age women who are just starting to date?

Ms. Hill:  Don’t settle. Don’t feel you need to be with someone to validate who you are. Don’t expect someone else to make you happy. Enjoy life!

Tyler:  Thank you so much for joining me today, Ms. Hill. Before we go, will you tell our readers about your website and what additional information they may find there?

Ms. Hill:  Thank you, Tyler. Readers can visit my website www.honeybeepublishing.com where they can purchase my book, read my blog and post any of their comments.

Tyler: Thank you, Ms. Hill for the informative interview. I hope either you find Mr. Right or remain single and happy.

Ms. Hill:  You too! Let’s just hope happy is always a part of it—whether single or in a couple.