Interview with Amanada Richardson
Saved From Silence: My Journey Back from a Childhood of Abuse
Amanda Richardson
iUniverse (2009)
ISBN 9780595524440
Reviewed by Paige Lovitt for Reader Views (3/09)
Today, Tyler R. Tichelaar of Reader Views is pleased to interview Amanda Richardson, who is here to talk about her new book “Saved from Silence.”
Born February 14, 1982, author Amanda Richardson still resides in the suburban East Texas town where she was born and raised. She is a wife of five years to her husband, Daniel and the mother of one child. She currently works as a dental hygienist, a dental hygiene educator, and is also a full time student majoring in psychology at Kaplan University. “Saved from Silence” is her memoir about the abuse she endured as a child and how she overcame it.
Tyler: Welcome, Amanda. I’m glad you could join me today. I’ve interviewed several other authors who have written books about being abused, but they are usually much older, at least middle age, and have undergone horrific experiences of adult abuse as well before they faced their trouble and conquered it, so my first question is what made you decide at such a young age to tell your story?
Amanda: Thanks for having me, Tyler. To answer your question: I didn’t want to be that woman—looking back in time with regrets—and I knew that every day I lived in my secrets was another day I wasn’t living at all. My decision to speak out came from a culmination of events: I wanted other women to know they could find a place of “ultimate healing” and I wanted their loved ones to know what their role could be in helping the survivor reach that level of healing.
Tyler: Will you explain to us why you chose the title “Saved from Silence”?
Amanda: There were so many steps in my healing that brought me closer and closer to who I had always wanted to be. But ultimately, it was facing what I call my “spiritual abuse” and finding my peace with God that finished the process. It was God who was able to save me from my silence, above all else.
Tyler: Your father was considered an upstanding citizen and also a religious man. How could someone who would seem like a model citizen be an abuser?
Amanda: I think this is one of the biggest misconceptions about child molesters—that somehow they are always scraggly lonely men preying on unknown children. Statistically, we know that the overwhelming majority of children know their abuser. In fact, I think what makes child abuse—and particularly child sex abuse—so undetectable is that it is often committed by unsuspecting perpetrators. Children may have fear that their disclosure will not be believed and may have even been led to believe that by the perpetrator.
Tyler: Amanda, do you have any insight into why your father abused you? Did he have his own demons?
Amanda: That’s probably the one thing I will never understand, why? My father wasn’t an alcoholic or drug addict, but certainly anyone who could do what my father did has his or her own demons.
Tyler: Many people are survivors of abuse, but not everyone decides to write a book about it—why did you feel the need to do so?
Amanda: I wanted to be a voice for those survivors who have not yet found theirs. I use to ask myself, “Where’s my advocate?” “Who is there to speak for me?” Now—I can be that person for others.
Tyler: Did you have any fears about making your story public?
Amanda: People ask me all the time how I can have the courage to tell my story. To me, nothing could be worse than living the life I had before I told my story. Everyone who knows me personally lived through this with me—so really, my story was already public.
Tyler: In your introduction above, I mentioned that you live and work in the same town where you grew up. Many people in your situation would have wanted to move far away where no one knew them—what made you decide to remain there?
Amanda: That’s a great point—many do chose to move far away and I can’t lie and say I haven’t thought about it a few times. But ultimately, I realized that this was not my shame to bear and that I could hold my head up and be proud of the person I had become despite all the abuse of my past.
Tyler: Will you tell us more about shame—isn’t it true that many people who are abused feel shame and even blame themselves? How do those who are abused overcome feelings of shame?
Amanda: You’re right. Shame is a common trait amongst survivors—but it doesn’t have to be. If they can learn to love themselves for the strength it took to survive, rather than blame themselves for what they endured, they can open a road to recovery that will eventually lift that shame.
Tyler: As I mentioned above, many people have written books about abuse they experienced. What do you think your story adds to an understanding of abuse, or what makes your story stand out from others?
Amanda: One in three women in America have been sexually abused, and one in five men the same. “Saved From Silence” can inspire survivors to take their own steps to heal while also encouraging America to acknowledge this “elephant in the room.” I also wanted Christians to understand the gravity that such abuse can have on a person’s spirituality.
Survivors often blame God himself for the abuse and have difficulty exploring any aspect of spirituality as an adult—especially if the abuse was committed at the hands of a self-proclaimed Christian. But as Christians, we can help survivors find their way back to God by first acknowledging the impact that the abuse is having in our society today. I believe that “Saved From Silence” can open a dialogue amongst its readers, so that survivors can come out of the shadows, and “ultimate healing” can begin.
Tyler: Amanda, in terms of opening up that dialogue, you said earlier that you wanted loved ones to know what their roles can be in helping survivors of abuse. Will you explain how “Saved from Silence” provides that kind of understanding?
Amanda: It was important to me not only to tell my story, but to do so in a fashion that highlighted what I desperately needed from those around me. Many loved ones of survivors simply don’t know what to do or say, and end up taking the “get over it” stance as a defensive mechanism. With sixty million survivors in America today, it is important that we talk about what to do and say as well as what not to do and say. “Saved From Silence” serves to do just that.
Tyler: Amanda, I understand your mother was often in denial of your abuse. Does she still wish you had stayed silent?
Amanda: Unfortunately, my mother’s actions were all too common and I don’t believe that she ever allowed herself to understand fully the gravity of my abuse. While my mother and I no longer have contact, I don’t doubt that somewhere in her she still loves me in the only ways she knows how. I will always love my mother and I forgive her, but I no longer feel responsible for bringing her out of her denial.
Tyler: Amanda, you are now married and have a child. Will you tell us about your life now—did you ever doubt a healthy relationship would be possible for you? Did you have negative experiences with men before you found your husband? I ask because so many women who were abused as children end up marrying abusive husbands—why do you think you were so much luckier?
Amanda: I wouldn’t say that meeting Daniel was “luck” —but that it was God’s plan for my life and my willingness to accept that. I don’t want to paint a rosy picture—times weren’t always easy. We met when we were just seventeen and as you can imagine, I had major trust issues and learning how to have a healthy intimate relationship took a long time. But looking back on my life, I can see now how God really guided and protected me along the way. We don’t always choose to take the path that God provides for us, but there’s no other explanation for where I am today without His influence. Dealing with the spiritual abuse helped me to realize that all the things that I had blamed on God resulted from the actions of man and the free will that He provides us.
Tyler: Will you explain what role Daniel played in the situation?
Amanda: Daniel was amazing throughout this process—dancing a fine line between letting me take my own journey and keeping me from self-destruction.
Tyler: What advice would you give to someone who is aware that someone else is being abused? What should that person do to help the abused person?
Amanda: If adults have legitimate concerns over the wellbeing of a child, they need to report their suspicions to Child Protective Services or local authorities. Standing by and doing nothing makes you just as guilty as the perpetrator in many states. I’ve included multiple resources in the back of “Saved From Silence” for those who may need additional assistance.
Tyler: What kind of relationship do you now have with your parents, your family of origin?
Amanda: I had to go through a process of grief for my biological parents—not for the parents I had—but for the parents I wanted to have. I learned that I could forgive my biological parents without pretending that everything was okay. Because of the nature of my abuse and the journey I took to heal, the relationship with my biological parents ended some time ago and we no longer have contact. But my extended family has been amazingly supportive of this journey, always encouraging my healing in whatever ways I felt were necessary.
Tyler: Amanda, will you explain that a little further—what you’re saying is you had to mourn the loss of a dream that your biological parents could become the ideal parents you wanted—is that correct?
Amanda: Yeah. When you think about it, I wasn’t sad because I lost a relationship with my parents. I was sad because I lost the hope of a normal relationship with them and I had to grieve for the loss of that dream.
Tyler: Your brother, David, was also abused. Would you say his experiences and recollections of the abuse match yours? How does he feel about your book?
Amanda: I often say that my brother is my hero. He was the first person to validate my abuse and one of my biggest supporters along this journey.
Tyler: What was that journey—once the abuse had ended, what happened next? For example, did you go to counseling? Are you still on that journey of recovery today?
Amanda: My father’s abuse ended when I was fourteen, but I spent the next ten years trying to get my mother to believe me. It was then, as a young adult, that I finally revealed my depression to my doctor and started counseling. That decision started a chain of events that eventually freed me from my silence. But I think that recovery is a lifelong process. When this type of abuse occurs, it changes who you are and how you view the world. Even as I talk to other women today about their abuse, I find a deeper level of recovery in myself.
Tyler: You make the point on your website that your book is not intended as advice or counseling for those who are abused and they should seek professional counseling. If that’s the case, then what impact do you hope your book will have?
Amanda: While I strongly support and promote counseling services, healing often comes in stages and finding inspiration from another survivor can be one of those stages. There aren’t many happy endings with childhood abuse, but I can serve as a positive example of survival and recovery while also shedding light on this issue’s depth and severity.
Tyler: Thank you for the interview, Amanda. Before we go, will you tell us about your website and what information can be found there about “Saved from Silence”?
Amanda: Yes—at www.savedfromsilence.com you’ll find the synopsis, of course, as well as endorsements and even the preface and an excerpt. Readers can scroll through my blog and view upcoming events or link through to “Saved From Silence” on other sites like amazon.com, goodreads.com, and myspace.com. Thanks again for having me Tyler—it was a pleasure.
Tyler: Thank you, Amanda. I admire your courage in telling your story and I hope it helps many other people.
