Light hearted narrative with chuckles and down right belly laughs, all concerning the real meaning of rednecks!

718 words
The Meridian Star Newspaper
January 22, 2005

YOU MIGHT NOT BE A REDNECK IF……..


Are you tired of all the “Redneck” stuff – as tired as I am? Being a native Mississippian I refuse to take this “Redneck Abuse” any longer – that is, not without a good ole name-calling, down and dirty free-for-all!!
Oops! Sorry! I just sometimes get carried away and loose my natural southern cool (yes, we CAN be cool Down South!) but loosing control nearly never happens with me, well….. not often, that is - and I don’t live in Red-Neckville, never have, and if you want to get me riled up then step on my Deep Southern well-cultivated roots and then…..just move out of the way!!! Oops!
Oh, brothers and sisters of the South, how we have struggled, scratching our way into the land of intellect, culture and well…smarts! We’re smart, no doubt! Hey, we live in the South, don’t we? That speaks volumes and volumes! But again, being Southern and living in Mississippi (by choice, I might add AND by the Graces of our Good Lord!!). Yes, just living in Mississippi automatically (duh!) some of those dim-witted non-Mississippians (bless their hearts!) will slosh that fact into Red-Neckness! It’s time to take action! Like our Mississippi native-son Elvis crooned, “A little less talk and a lot more action!”
First off, we MUST all stick together and have forgiveness in our hearts for those less fortunate; you know all those non-Mississippi and non-Southern types. Then… we must work our “You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck …… Plan” by displaying some of the following thoughts and references - always remembering to show tolerance and patience to the forsaken ones who must live AWAY (can you even imagine that!) yes, far away from the glory land of Mississippi and the South!
The following thoughts might be helpful when we feel a “RedNeck” weakness coming on:
(1) You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck if…..you have your GrandMother’s silver. It’s just that it’s buried in the backyard somewhere – but it’s yours!

(2) You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck if…….you make two trips to Atlanta each year in GrandMother’s Caddy and it’s NOT for NASCAR!

(3) You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck if ……Auntie Emma’s tea party nearly cancelled because of Uncle Horace’s annual Coon Dog Jamboree BUT Auntie Emma won out!

(4) You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck if…..Cousin Sara Belle marched in the Fourth of July parade, made it all the way…and didn’t even break a sweat – she just glistened!! That’s a real southern lady!!

(5) You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck if….. you have attended each family reunion for each side of all respective families participating in every agenda and always taking your very favorite homemade banana pudding!

(6) You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck if….the choice came down to a new four-wheeler, a golf-cart or a ’57 Chevy Bellaire and you took all three!

(7) You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck if…..your husband is the pool man, the yardman and the handyman but he gets to sleep with the lady of the house!

(8) You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck if…...Ole Miss was playing State (televised) at the very same time “Gone With The Wind” was showing on the History network and to beat all the “Make Your Own Muscadine Wine” (a once in a lifetime tutorial) showed up on the Food Channel – Whew! That was the day you purchased two new flat screens for the den – there was room for all three of them after all!

(9) You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck if………you have finally perfected and patented camouflage in satin and velvet….at least you know there is hope now!

(10) You MIGHT NOT be a RedNeck if…….you think about taking a vacation…you think and think and think, where, where, where - BUT that would mean you must leave this perfect homeland of yours (even temporarily) so you decide to bring all of your out of state friends and family to your house – they deserve some time in paradise, too!

Well, brothers and sisters of the Southland that’s enough to get started for our
“You MIGHT NOT be A RedNeck” Agenda – just continue to be your darling, charming, sweet-talking selves and WE SHALL OVERCOME – Yes, we can make RedNecked-ness a thing of the past, (our long suffering past!) and that’s for sure!