His and Hers Towels

(Or: Matching ‘I’m With Stupid’ T-Shirts)

By: Patrick M. Kennedy

As you slink around retirement, arm-in-arm with your soul mate, anticipating nothing but relaxation, excitement and good times, something shadows your golden path … His and Hers towels, beautifully embroidered with larger-than-life script letters … may give you a hint.

These are a simple method to finally know which bath towel or bath robe is yours, but … and this is especially important … if there are two people living in the same place, with lots of time on their hands, the invasion of personal possessions and areas of comfort in all things will inevitably be the origin of spats, or better, hours or days of silence. “DON’T WIPE YOUR SHOES WITH MY TOWEL!” or, “KEEP YOUR MAKEUP OFF MY WASHCLOTH!” Sound familiar? It happens to the best of people. We territorialize our lives. ‘After all, if it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with perfect strangers,’ said that internationally famous philosopher - Anonymous.

Now, at last, you can stop speculating, if you have, why they build houses with two-car garages, two bedrooms, two baths, a living room the size of Vermont, and both an attic as well as a basement … a water-grow-mow, water-grow-mow front yard and a back yard with ever-creeping and expanding flower beds: His and Her territories. It is no shocker that male and female brains differ quite a bit in architecture and activity, and it most likely explains why one rearranges the furniture while the other is practices golf around it. The habits and distractions of men and women do differ … even in retirement … even after having lived together nearly forever.

You would think after all the years being together couples could learn to live together, and share (you know, using something along with others, in case you’ve forgotten). Mars and Venus are planets; Mars and Venus are excuses for the differences between a man and woman; Mars and Venus -- Mars is the fourth planet from the Sun and is commonly referred to as the Red Planet: Venus is the second planet from the Sun and the sixth largest planet. Neither place has been occupied by a human of any species as far as we know. Never … and never is a very long time. End of discussion.

After all, the root of marriage problems as it relates to international affairs was brought to the forefront by a former President with the initials, JFK. “We cannot negotiate with those who say, ‘What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is negotiable.’” Compromise or ‘give-and-take’ is often used as a solution to all (most) territorial problems. George Burn and Gracie compromised in their own way. “A lot of husbands appreciate their wife’s cooking. I appreciate my wife not cooking.” … It was sort of a compromise or a win-win agreement.

Individualism is an American way of life and is engrained into our lives since birth. It’s a hard habit to break. But there are solutions: two-signature checks; bicycles built for two; two-way streets going in opposite directions but down the same road; Tea for Two – or is that coffee for one and tea for the other? Going to a restaurant for dinner on the same night (together); motorcycles with side cars (if you dare,) and matching ‘I’m With Stupid’ T-shirts, all exist to close the gap: Can’t we all just get along?

This is one of the many articles in my book, How to Have Fun with retirement.

www.funwithretirement.com