I did not know whether to grade this PG or to risk being accused of putting ideas into the heads of teenagers.

Fear and Panic #2
Attack of The Insurgent Zappers

A new reign of terror more terrible than any previously experienced is about to be unleashed upon the unsuspecting populations of the western democracies. Dismiss Genghis Kahn and his Mongol Hoard, forget Al Quaeda, the Red Brigade, ETA, EOKA, the PLA, IRA, UDA, KLA, the PFJ and even the Vegetables of Mass Destruction led by my old friend The Potato of Terror (who will be making a debut here soon I hope.) All of these are as nothing compared to the ruthless and inhuman tactics of this new campaign. The terrorists will at any time be able to reach into the homes of ordinary people and disrupt their way of life thus spreading Fear and Panic where it has never spread before. Wherever they operate the Insurgent Zappers quickly infiltrate the local communities and live amongst us as they plot their outrages.

Their weapon, a new type of universal remote control with an unusually long range. It works by sending commands in a range of formats and so is effective on most leading brands of home entertainment equipment so not just TV but VHS recorder, DVD player and Hi Fi are all susceptible. Because of the high signal strength the zapper can be used effectively from outside buildings.

Despite its limited practical application (who goes outside to watch TV?) its potential for spreading Fear and Panic has quickly marked it out as a 'must have' for trouble makers in hoodies and baseball caps.

These people, recruited by leaders of underground cells, will gather on street corners, monitor the progress of a TV show on their 3G cellphone and at as a crucial moment approaches they will disperse and zap all the TV sets in the street. The technically illiterate are sure to think aliens have landed and in accordance with government guidelines sit in darkness with brown paper bags over their heads for the rest of the evening.

The victims who are deprived of seeing a pivotal scene in a soap opera (for example, the scene where a main character learns that the person they have always believed is their father actually IS their father) the climax of a favourite film or the winning score in an important sports event are likely to be traumatised to such an extent that they can no longer function as useful members of society.

The Insurgent Zappers are produced in the far east, probably in factories owned by a world domination cult headed by billionaire international terrorist Deng Xao McSweeney. If you see any on sale or in use in your area you should report it to the anti - terror squad.